My Heart is Yours

[uncut gyro]

My Heart is Yours

I remember how we met within those blank white walls
Your body hooked with those machines all over
Yet your joyous laughter never failed to fill those halls
If only I had gifted her back then with a four leaf clover

Our beds were right beside each other, I loved to hear her musing
Never thought that mere words could have me dreaming in the day
Inside her battle against herself, she may have been losing
But her assured and comforting smile never gave it away

I remember that day clearly, I found I had no one left after the crash
I cried and cried till my blood had came out and that to dried
Yet she was the one who powered through her pain, and splashed
Right Into my arms, and told me that she will always be beside.

I saw her being dragged away one day with a lot of force
I wondered if she will be okay, I prayed that she was
Her Mother and Father crying with a lot of remorse
I heard, “How will she live without a heart! By the gods!”

I told the ones in coats about my story and woes
They understood but told me to be sure, as them I assured
A letter I wrote to the only one I had, the only line that I carefully chose
“You are the only one I have, so my heart is yours.”

[true valley]

@uncut gyro
Does this poem have a personal connection?

[uncut gyro]

It didn’t directly happen to me

[true valley]

okei

I love the formatting, the second rhyme almost felt rushed but didn't in the end

I definitely relate with this more than I would like to

Though

[uncut gyro]

Which one?

[true valley]

Clover

[uncut gyro]

Ah, it’s supposed to be a foreshadowing of

Ig

[true valley]

Yeah yeah that's why it didnt really

[true valley]

My future self relates to the metaphor

[uncut gyro]

“ With a four leaf clover”would fit better right,

?

[true valley]

'...gifted her a four-leaf clover...' Would work

Though not necessarily enough for an edit

[uncut gyro]

I edited the with in lol

[true valley]

I love the originality of this though

[uncut gyro]

Yay

[true valley]

👍

[uncut gyro]

Thank you

@paper venture

@prisma sapphire

@somber ingot

@rich flax

@hoary moss

@exotic meteor

@candid vortex

@dry sail

[dry sail]

Reading!

[dry sail]

This is actually gonna make me cry ong

This is so sad

Sickeningly beautiful

[uncut gyro]

Thank you

[dry sail]

I love it actually its so good if only there was a bit of ponctuation and thats it i absolutely love it

[uncut gyro]

Where should I add punctuation? When I sounded it out, it seemed five

Fine

@knotty flicker

[dry sail]

Whenever the sentence add a full stop i get quite confused reading it

[uncut gyro]

I add full stops to signify the end

As if the end is exaggeratingly huge

Do you reckon I just remove them,

?

@hoary moss

[hoary moss]

yes?

[uncut gyro]

R e a d

M y

P o e m

[knotty flicker]

👀

[hoary moss]

say pretty pls and i might consider it

[uncut gyro]

Pretty please🥺🥺🥺

[dry sail]

Hmm i see it could work that way too

[hoary moss]

*doesn't consider it

[uncut gyro]

Oki😔

[hoary moss]

guh first line already says enough for me

love poem

0/10

[uncut gyro]

Fair enough

Not enough AABB😔

[ebon fable]

This is so touching and heartfelt 💔

[floral whale]

Dang loved it man

[uncut gyro]

thank you

[storm bramble]

I remember how we met within those blank white walls
Your body hooked with those machines all over
Yet your joyous laughter never failed to fill those halls
If only I had gifted her back then with a four leaf clover well written

[hoary moss]

This reminds me of those tragic cinematic stories of inward patients. I personally feel somewhat connected to this work. This is a good attempt, Emi. You are doing well, you'll keep growing and there's always be some room for improvement. What matters is the journey you'll make. Don't be so hard on yourself. I love your words as always <33

[uncut gyro]

@rich flax READ THIS OMFG-

[uncut gyro]

thank you

[rich flax]

Ohhh

I'm sorry

I read it half

Then I got busy

My bad

[uncut gyro]

lmao

dw dw

[rich flax]

DAMN

This was

I got goosebumps

It was so sad yet beautiful

Amazing one emiya

[uncut gyro]

yippeeeeee

[rich flax]

You did a great job capturing the emotions

[uncut gyro]

thank you

[rich flax]

Very proud of you

Keep going

[uncut gyro]

i know it wasn’t the best it could be

buy thank you

[rich flax]

Personally

I wouldn't change anything in the poem

It's not my style at all

But if you were to ask me

To change the poem to a way I prefer

I'd keep it the same

[uncut gyro]

tell me bout it

[uncut gyro]

ok-

[rich flax]

Like what I mean to say is

Obviously every poem can always be better in some way

But what matters more

Is how appropriate it is

How much it satisfies YOU

Did you feel satisfied

After you wrote the poem

[uncut gyro]

fair

[knotty flicker]

Oh, my apologies I almost forgot about this

I’ll read it now

[knotty flicker]

Your poem has a consistent rhyme scheme it flows smoothly in terms of rhythm, which is definitely good for readability. But, there are some places where the flow feels a bit forced disrupting the natural progression of the narrative. For example, in the third stanza, the line
I cried and cried till my blood had came out and that to dried is grammatically awkward it could be rephrased for clarity & smoothness. You have some vivid imagery, like
blank white walls
her assured and comforting smile
which effectively set the scene evoking an emotion. in fourth stanza, the transition from talking about the crash to her coming into your arms feels abrupt. You might consider adding a smoother transition or expanding on the emotions/thoughts in between to maintain emotional clarity.
Hope this helps. 😊

[uncut gyro]

ofcourse

thank you!

[knotty flicker]

Your welcome

[rich flax]

@uncut gyro are you mad at me