I fear this day has come

[bright tinsel]

I fear the day has come
Where you’re no more than a whisper in the wind
And the four walls of my car have forgotten your name
While my heart, once crying in pain, no longer betrays the shame

I fear the day has come
Where love dies to indifference
Something more hurtful than hate
For then at least I’d know I still cared, and my heart still carried the weight

I fear the day has come
Where I’ll say your name one last time
Remember once you said “you were mine”
But now you are but ashes in my mind

@fierce valve @onyx surge

@fervent gull

[fervent gull]

@hidden stump

@autumn musk

[hidden stump]

👀

[fervent gull]

@north loom

@golden garnet

@real lily

@lucid bridge

@ebon pumice

@glossy prairie

that should do it!!

[golden garnet]

I'm coping with my life rn
In the depressive phase smh smh

[fervent gull]

aww duck

im there if u wanna talk about it

[golden garnet]

I loved the title tho, I'll give it a read in a while

[bright tinsel]

Oh damn that’s a lot of tags

[golden garnet]

But
You're
16

[bright tinsel]

I’m a little scared LOL

[golden garnet]

[fervent gull]

so what

i am also a therapist

[golden garnet]

Ok bet

[fervent gull]

i can listen

[autumn musk]

POV: It is an exam.

[golden garnet]

Real

Papt pov: it's 17

[bright tinsel]

I was thinking of rewording four walls of my car to four walls of my room

[fervent gull]

🙄 stop making me old

[bright tinsel]

Or four sides of my car

Cuz cars don’t have walls

[golden garnet]

NO I MEANT ITS 17(MONDAY)

[gentle spoke]

Wonderful! @bright tinsel has just pregressed to level 1!

[fervent gull]

ooh

STOP SCARING ME

BOTH 17 SCARE ME

NO 17

EVER

[bright tinsel]

But I wanted to portray the memories I had with her in my car. Four walls of my room would also work cuz we FaceTimed a lot and the walls still sometimes whisper her name 🥲

[golden garnet]

It actually should be fine imo
It works as a metaphor here
How the memories of the person are trapped inside your car

[bright tinsel]

Ah, okay, I’ll probably keep it in then

[glossy prairie]

@fervent gull YOU’RE 16?????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT IN THE AXTUAL—?

[fervent gull]

I-

WHAT DID U THINK I WAS

yesterday everyone though i was like 20 something

[glossy prairie]

I thought you were my age??? Like 19????

I didn’t expect you were gonna be a CHILD 😭😭😭😭😭😭

[bright tinsel]

What is happening in this chat

[fervent gull]

😭😭 I AM NOT A CHILDDDD

child is 14

not 16

[onyx surge]

"I fear the day has come
Where you’re no more than a whisper in the wind
and four walls of my car have forgetten your name
while my heart, once in pain, no longer betrays the shame"

"I fear the day has come
Where love dies to indifference
Something more hurtful than hate.
At least I'll know I still care, and my heart still carries the weight."
Vs
"I fear the day has come
Where love dies to indifference
Something more hurtful than hate.
I'm afraid I'll know I still care, and that my heart still carries the weight."

[ebon pumice]

I fear the day has come
Where you’re no more than a whisper in the wind
And the four walls of my car have forgotten your name
While my heart, once in pain, no longer betrays the shame really nice , great job

[glossy prairie]

You’re threee entire years from becoming an adult so you still child to me 😭😭😭😭

[bright tinsel]

@ebon pumice thank you, it comes from a place of deep hurt 🥲

[onyx surge]

"I fear the day has come
Where love dies to indifference-
more hurtful than hate because if I at least knew I still cared,
that'd be great."

"I fear the day has come
Where love dies to indifference-
the missing weight
more hurtful than hate."

[ebon pumice]

No problem have you seen my last poem ? Midwest ?

[bright tinsel]

We’re trying to make the second stanza work rn because @onyx surge pointed out that “for then at least I know I still cared” doesn’t connect to the two lines before it

[bright tinsel]

I have not. I just joined the server like 2 hours ago lol, I’ll def check it out

[ebon pumice]

Oh wow welcome to the server, i hope you enjoying the server so far

[bright tinsel]

I love that it’s so active and full of content

Any feedback on the second stanza? Is the “for then” line confusing?

I’m trying to connect it to the idea that there’s reluctance in not hating anymore

Because it’s the last remnant of what I feel about the other person

And some part of me still doesn’t want to fully let go

[ebon pumice]

for then line u can reword that differently though to make it more smoother

[bright tinsel]

I can definitely sense that

[ebon pumice]

But at least I know I still cared or At least for me, I know I still cared

Yet I know, I still cared about you

[fervent gull]

i-

[bright tinsel]

Guys can we keep the adult child talk to #💬・off-topic

It disrupts the convo flow

[autumn musk]

The day i fear.

[bright tinsel]

@delicate zinc

This one’s a bit rough and unpolished

I was using the title as the first line for each stanza but I was told that it wouldn’t work because it confuses the reader on the message I’m trying to send so instead I changed it to “I fear the day has come” but it just doesn’t quite hit the same, lmk what yall think!

[delicate zinc]

despite being "rough and unpolished" , this poem still packs a punch the imagery of a once-loved person turning into a whisper in the wind, and the idea of love fading into indifference, is really powerful and relatable. the lines abt how even hatred would be preferable to indifference bc at least it shows that the heart still cares, really speak to the pain and complexity of loss and heartbreak

i think this is a beautiful and moving poem abt acceptance and moving on

[delicate zinc]

i see what u mean abt the repetition of the title as the first line of each stanza potentially confusing the reader. changing it to "I fear the day has come" is a good solution, and actually makes the poem more concise and direct

ultimately tho, the choice is up to you. if u feel like the original version with the repetition of the title is better, then go for it!

rmb there are no strict rules when it comes to poetry, so trust ur instincts and what feels right for ur poem

[bright tinsel]

I was a little hesitant on the change but I’m glad it makes it flow better. Ultimately I’m trying to convey a message here so I’m glad it helps it flow better

[delicate zinc]

yes, it can be tough when u have to make decisions abt ur poem that might change the original vision u had for it. but sometimes making changes can end up improving the poem in unexpected ways. if u feel like the new version flows better and still conveys the msg yr trying to get across, then u've done a good job

and rmb u can always make changes later if u need to. the important thing is that yr satisfied with the final product!

[bright tinsel]

Thanks sm for the detailed feedback, I really appreciate it

I think I’ll still try to tweak it a bit and make the flow better

[bright tinsel]

But there’s something beautiful about imperfect art

[delicate zinc]

Okay yeah i totally agree, imperfection can actually make art more beautiful and real. sometimes the most beautiful things are the ones that are a little bit messy and rough around the edges. keep tweaking and working on it, and trust yr instincts. ultimately it's ur poem and u know best what u want to convey.l

[bright tinsel]

Thank you moonlight! I would love to read some of your poems and return the favor when I have the chance too

[bright tinsel]

Just tag me in the future and I’ll try my best to return the same level of thoughtfulness and care you showed me:)

[delicate zinc]

Aw that's very sweet of you, but I don't write poems :>. I just like to read them

[bright tinsel]

Ofc ☺️, and no worries! The offer will still be there

[formal storm]

Hits like a truck, good job!
Your imagery does wonders for the message, and this is very well written.
I saw you were talking about the four walls - I think you should keep it as is. I think it has two main strengths - by making it a car and not a room you make the wall fully metaphorical. This adds a hint of constriction, which I think fits well. It also makes the car into more of a room, even raising the question if after what happened with this loved one the speaker moved to their car.

The third stanza feels paradoxical. Almost by definition, by speaking about the last instance of saying the name and remembering past love, this means the day has most likely not come. To me this reads as the fear of the speaker being somewhat detached from the actual state. This might be what you were going for though.

The ending is a bit weak in my opinion. You have a great buildup in the fourth stanza, but the last line lacks punch in my opinion. The whole poem shows unwillingness to go with the natural flow of moving on, so it all being boiled down to "the choice has been made" feels wrong. Maybe if you contextualised the choice as something more nuanced it would have greater impact. I'd recommend tweaking it a bit and looking for something more impactful.

Last thing, I think most of the poem reads clearly as death of a loved one, except the second stanza. I'm having a hard time putting my finger on exactly why, but to me the second stanza reads like a breakup. The duality might be something you want, but I thought it's worth mentioning.

[bright tinsel]

I really appreciate your feedback and analysis ❤️ yea the third stanza being paradoxical is what I’m going for, it’s more poetic in nature than something to be truly analyzed logically.

You’re totally right about the last stanza…I was thinking of ending it with the third stanza actually and taking out the fourth…maybe I can tweak the fourth stanza into something stronger, but if not, I’ll just take it out. I think the sense of clinging on and reluctance is already present in the other stanzas and it doesn’t add much to the rest of the poem

The duality of death of someone and the breakup is exactly what I’m going for. It felt like they became a completely different person than how they presented themselves to me at the start

Great catches man, it makes m3 really satisfied that I was able to convey my thoughts and feelings so well through this medium, thank you

[formal storm]

I think if you wanna tweak the fourth you can make it work, but ending on "ashes in my mind" is also a strong option.
The duality works well and carries a lot of weight.
I'm sorry you went through this painful situation.

[gentle spoke]

Wonderful! @formal storm has just pregressed to level 1!

[bright tinsel]

I think I’ll remove the fourth stanza and present it that way. Thank you for your kind words, while it was painful, it gave me so much self love and growth.