#contemplations (broken soul)

24 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

stoic briar
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Okay, so here's what I like about it. ( not much of a critic tbh with you )

I like the revelation-style you chose here!
Especially given the first two sentences.
This one especially :

When my fate and your psyche will be distant, Perhaps then the contemplation of doubts will occur, Now you are not visible, what should I write?

Really do like it!

I also am a fan of the conversational tone in this poem.
The ending repetition is a solid touch, too.

Yeah, not much of a critic as you can clearly tell.
But regardless, I really do like the poem here.
( also welcome back, Keshav :D )

stoic briar
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Its flow is my favourite part of the poem actually.
I forgot to add that in the initial reaction.
The obvious line that stood out happens to be my favourite.

Feels like you are conversing with someone here.
It did give me a smile as I related to the lines as well.

amber flame
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I give it 6.5

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There you go. Pointer.

sterile kayak
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This poem honestly confuses me. Maybe I need to give it like more rereads. Idk maybe it'd work as spoken word but I think the flow is a bit awkward. "Moonlit the night" doesn't make too much sense grammar-wise. And I feel like the repetition doesn't exactly play to the poem's favor but maybe I'm just not looking into it enough.

amber flame
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It is a love poem and a woe poem. Losing like a divorce. Loss of words and lack of inspiration hidden within a shape. And in the end, it lacks a general conclusion. And nothing more than a someone's plea I guess.

A 6.5.

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Wdym?

amber flame
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I didn't.

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I would respond to that as "You're even ruder now... "

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Hmm.... I guess you are overmatured then.

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Anyways, there is my review.

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Bye.

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Don't care, stop calling people immature just cause for a mere few events.

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End of discussion.

sterile kayak
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Ahhh ok. That checks out.

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Ok I'll take another look

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I feel as if Psyche is unnecessary. Something like "when we hold distant fates" but maybe worded better would be very powerful

I'd also just say "now that you're Invisable" instead of "now that you're not visible" but I'm guessing that's a translation thing

I still think it's a bit awkward but "Moonlit the night" would make more sense if you put a comma after Moonlit

I'd get rid of the second "now" from the Chain of occurrence line

I also wouldn't repeat occurrence. Maybe try to reword it one of the times you use it?

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But yeah now I can clearly see some things were probably worded weirdly in translation. My apologies for earlier.

sterile kayak
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Any chance you could take a look at one of my poems?

kindred otterBOT
sterile kayak
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No I don't think there were any real spelling errors

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Oki I'm excited to get some thoughts on it. Warning, it's kinda long. #1250599257602527342