#Don't know

56 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

wind badger
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This was very sweet, and your use of figurative speech is pretty clever

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You're like the moon, beautiful but distant.
You're like light, darkness prevails in your absence.

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I want you like the night,
when I can truly be myself.

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As far as figurative speech goes, these examples do the most legwork in your poem

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And of course, the final stanza entirely:

"The world has been cruel to us,
more so to you.
Now this heart of mine
wants to heal none but you."

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I consider this stanza highly romantic

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y'know, recognizing their pain, and then selflessly promising to take that pain away?

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that's romantic

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the lines about the wind, the rain, and the sun are a liiiiittle less effective though

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the other lines I mentioned have this very "human" and "complex" quality about them

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the other ones are just a little bit more surface level, and don't hit quite as hard as the others

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I think with a little reworking, it might benefit your poem tremendously if they all served as beautiful a purpose as your other lines did

solid pendant
solid pendant
wind badger
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at least in this case, I think complexity makes it better

solid pendant
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I see what you mean now

solid pendant
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R8??

wind badger
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hmmmm

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okay, so let's take the line "light, something something, darkness in your absence"

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right?

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okay, so that's got two layers of meaning to it

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because, you're comparing her to light, and when she leaves, the room goes dark

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alright, boom, that's beautiful

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very poetic

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great imagery

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it's just a romantic way of saying "she's the light in my life, and without her, darkness"

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that's good

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But now let's take a look at

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"You're like the wind, never staying with me"

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it's kinda...

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iunno

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it feels a little flat?

solid pendant
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Yeah

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wind badger
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it doesn't really spike that creative lightbulb

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I thought of removing it

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But wind and rain must be in the poem

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Cuz that's what the girl I like and me call each other

wind badger
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hmmmmmmmmm

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there HAS to be something better

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something more evocative

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something more poetic

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I know you can find it if you tried

grand hornet
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this was amazing

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sick tendon
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this is really cute

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Now this heart of mine
wants to heal none but you/ healing her heart break yours in the progress

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but a cute poem

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sick tendon
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it wil make u feel good that u healed her heart

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but only when she leaves

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you will realise how much you broke your heart in that process