@finite mulch
#The Privilege of Pain
uneven moss
finite mulch
Going to read in a moment, right off the bat a really nice title.
The privilege of pain is an interesting oxymoron of sorts.
uneven moss
Np take your time Im watching you give some advice to others its very interesting lol
finite mulch
This will require like 5 reads 😭
Reminds me of my poetry from a year ago
Nor a bad thing or a good thing tbh it just has a very similiar outlandish sense of rhyme
uneven moss
Lol np I don't take offense.
finite mulch
I couldn't really discern much on my first read but that's probably just because I have like no attention span lmao
finite mulch
Nor a bad thing or a good thing tbh it just has a very similiar outlandish sense...
Like you lowkey rapping in the end lol
uneven moss
Like you lowkey rapping in the end lol
yeah lol thats something ive found I do in alot of my peotry I dont like it
I feel like it goes from using some good metaphors and imagrey
to very telegraphed and simple
finite mulch
My school year is almost done so I don't really have any more new vocabulary for english...
But you making me look up words again
Like that one time I used "blight" because I needed to rhyme but wanted to be unique lol
uneven moss
Like that one time I used "blight" because I needed to rhyme but wanted to be un...
Bro litteraly me 💀
I was told I could imporve on vacobculary so i tried to do that in this poem
finite mulch
I was told I could imporve on vacobculary so i tried to do that in this poem
Pov a poem of mine a few months ago
Don't try too hard is what I've learned
People can tell 💀
pearl swallow
exellent poem, soo many good metaphors, oh wow
finite mulch
Ok onto the actual dissection now
First stanza:
I'm assuming you meant to say "such a thing" just letting you know that's there. Overall though the metaphors of this stanza were very nice, although as a partially blind person, I could not completely understand the last line.
Second Stanza:
"I seem to be glad you've asked" is an unnecessary fourth wall break, could've easily led with "the privilege of pain is like glass" which is honestly such a nice line, same for the perspective/shatter line (don't use trash though, it feels SO out of place against the really good words you use literally all around it). I like how you personify time and dance. Pains trance kinda seems random but I'm sure yknow somehow it makes sense?
Third stanza:
I enjoy the meraphors of songs that the mute could sing, "and told to give our all" also kinda hits. Victory truly is, a last resort of hope, well-said.
Third stanza kinda confused me with all the words you used lol guess I need to use a Dictionary.
I'll get to the rest in a little bit.
uneven moss
First stanza:
I'm assuming you meant to say "such a thing" just letting you know...
First stanza:
yeah maybe gleam isn't the perfect word but It means to reflect light. I tried to say that pain could be seen in the eyes of even the blind.
Second Stanza:
Yeah I don't like that wall break either, but I couldn't think of another way I liked to rhyme with the next line "pain is like glass".
I have an idea. at the end of stanza one I add one more line which is the "How would I interpret such thing?" again which can lead into: The privilege of pain is like glass.
Like this:
The Privilege of Pain.
How would I interpret such thing?
A thing wearing many faces yet unseen
A thing found in different places, married to all with many rings.
A thing even the blind could so very easily gleam.
How could I interpret such thing?
Maybe the privilege of pain is like glass.
ect....
Also couldn't find or think of a better word than trash. Not to many words that would work there. Maybe I can change it to, "It can shatter, perspective reflecting piles of ash." which would go with the hourglass kind of with the ash being the stuff trickling down.
Also yeah I can take out "Pains trance..." it feels very random.
Third stanza:
i think your talking about the follwing lines;
It is the one lance fair to all, aimed at all both big and small.
and
A convenient retort to abort and escort away the pain.
the lance line is just depicting Pain as a weapon and how everyone is hurt by it.
the second line "a convenient retort, is like a convenient rebuttal or remark in response to ones own anger, and then that retort being the minds last resort of hope is there to abort and escort away the pain from thought.