i can‘t seem to find a good conclusion?

[candid viper]

The last two lines are truly so aggravating. I tried to so SOMETHING out of it but I deeply hate it and I need something else to fill those last lines with. Anyone ideas?

[candid viper]

<@&1144090752457113794>

[somber tinsel]

wait omg I kinda like the last 2 lines

like a play on "buying time"

the flow is nice too imo

and it ends like almost distressing ?? like "oh my god what have I done" or "is this rlly my life" -- like a sad/anxious (reflective?) conclusion to the previous anxious lines

like "screaming out it's presence"
"chasing my tending garden"

"watering out the fever/ just to catch a cold"

like the pov can't catch a break!! tbe verbs make me anxious , like chasing/screaming, and it just tells an upsetting story!! like this person has this "desire to be on top" not dwelling on tbe ticking clock, or a desire to not care sm! but they don't get ut, which makes the regret at the end hurt more !! more powerful!

plus the title I feel like ties the ending so well cuz it's like "tik tik tik" the clock is ticking DOWN and then u reach the bottom and its j this fearful/regretful thought

spoiled for seperate unsolicited advice/opinion lol!!

|| if i were to suggest anything it would be abt the stanza before the last 2! I feel like before that ur writing was so strong and vivid, and those 2 lines r weaker (and clearly you're super capable of putting out strong lines!!) so I think maybe those r more worthy of editing? Just my unsolicited opinion haha so take w a grain of salt!! ||

[candid viper]

THANK U SO SO MUCH your opinion matters so much to me thank u sm <33

[candid viper]

I'll work on those 2 then !! Do u have any suggestions on what I can replace them with?

[somber tinsel]

hmm ig it's less of asking what to replace it w , and more like what does this poem need to say , like what do u wanna add to this poem/message?! like for example, u convey a distressing story of someone wanting to be more carefree, but "the clock is ticking" yk, and then end up regretful for the anxious/subpar life theyve lived (at least that's how I interpret it!!)

so maybe expanding on the clock metaphor to add more layers/facets/depth to the metaphor? you could try picking out aspects of a clock (the hands, the face; a cookoo (idk how to spell it) bird, the age of the clock like antique vs new, or analog vs digital, or idk! j examples!) to use and expand on for ur metaphor

like when u wrote the 2nd to last stanza , what was the information (whether that's description, context, a feeling, a "plot" point, or a million other things!) u were tryna add? like maybe expanding on its meaning in a more vivid/descriptive/specific way? j an idea!!!

like I bet u could come up w some imagery for "so many things done," for example. like that's a line that as a reader, gives me little to work w ! I realize it's saying something like "I've lived" which is relevant to the last line (essentially asking "is this rlly how I-- by my own hand-- have lived?" -- (maybe theres potential for a "hand" clock metaphor ? who knows!)) , so maybe expanding on what u meant in that stanza could be a start?

sorry i feel like this is so vague omg, I tried to give examples!! but basically I don't have specific ideas bc idk what ur vision is like what needs to be added or expanded on, basically like what is crucial for whatever it is u wanna convey yk???

IDK IF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE but I tried my best haha!! lemme know if u need me to clarify anything!!