#An unfit dimension of joy

353 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

pale orbit
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Drag her down to the depths of hell
and yet she would smile.
But bring her back to the heavenly bliss
She'd think of it as a waste of time

If people were to assume I'm beautiful
It's only for I, to be a vessel
A mere vessel for the regals to sip their tea in,
tea brimming with societal expectations
Beheld to still feel pretty

Wreck her body till the atoms watch the fool dissolve
And yet her desponded smile remains
But give her the optimum amount of attention
She'd succumb and claim it's just a game

But once used, will have its demise due
and so had I,
and so will I
crack soon when I fail to resonate
Once held by elite fingers, now adorned with dirt

State your desire with a heap of credence
She'd break a leg to fulfill your purchase
And break her demeanour and show your vice
She'd take it with a smile that screams grace

Still, who's to blame?
It was all my fault to amend
My fault for considering the courage,
the courage of breaking hellions' hearts,
as happiness: in knowing that it resides in the ones still beating

Taint her spirit with blues, greens and greys
Make her plight hilariously miserable
And here she thrives with forbidden glee
The euphoric descent: miserably hilarious

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@willow tundra @prisma bone @spice hedge @clear niche

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@void mist @robust sentinel

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@gilded rain

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@glad hound

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@broken crane

tender girder
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What sparked this one? @pale orbit

pale orbit
tender girder
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I could taste something like that

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Miserably hilarious is a wonderful oxymoron

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I love the way you've tied up the poem in the sweetest bow

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You've a real talent :]

pale orbit
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aw thank you!

tender girder
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Would you like to read one of mine

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??

pale orbit
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i got other poems too, wanna read?

tender girder
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I'd love to.

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We can exchange them here or in dms, if you want to read a couple of mine too

pale orbit
pale orbit
tender girder
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Lovely!

pale orbit
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u can tag me in ur poems posted here or send it in dms i dont mind

tender girder
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Your grasp of rhyme is stellar

pale orbit
void mist
pale orbit
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@real sandal

tender girder
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Hmmmmmm

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It's good, and the intended message is evident and clear

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But it could use something more

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Me, personally, I'd prefer if this one rhymed in meter

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And I'm not one of those "ALL POEMS MUST RHYME RAAAARGH" type of people either

somber jungleBOT
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*And I'm not one of

those "ALL POEMS MUST RHYME RAAAARGH" type

of people either*

- doctorhunger
tender girder
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but I think a well defined meter and rhyme scheme would really elevate this from a "good" poem to a "great" poem

summer gullBOT
pale orbit
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hmm i get that...but the structure here goes like every alternate para has the abcb rhyme

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i have better 'rhymed poems'....u want me to tag u in them?

tender girder
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No no, I believe you when you say you can rhyme

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unless you WANT me to read them, in which case, sure!

pale orbit
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ill tag u there

tender girder
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but I'm having a liiiittle trouble finding the rhyme scheme, would you mind spoonfeeding it to me here?

tender girder
pale orbit
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i kinda make stuff like these up so uh it makes sense if people cant find it easily

tender girder
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I think, in my opinion, that it would benefit from a more well defined structure

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because in its current state, it's difficult to see it unless it's directly spoonfed to you, so it kind of loses its musical lilt

pale orbit
tender girder
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Is the poem autobiographical?

pale orbit
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uhhh........maybe?

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idk some parts seem true, some might be overdramatic?

tender girder
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I don't think it's overdramatic or anything

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don't invalidate your feelings like that

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as the poem suggests, I think on an intellectual level, you recognize moments of self-doubt or self sabotage

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and, well, I think you just have to work on recognizing that on an emotional level too

pale orbit
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the poem stemmed on the thought of me missing stress honestly

tender girder
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missing stress?

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care to elaborate?

pale orbit
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uhh well i havent had a proper summer vacay since 8th grade, and now after like 4 years of constant studies, i miss the feeling of being jam-packed i believe

tender girder
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ohhhhhhhhhh, that's fascinating

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I think, if we wanted to, we could delve deeper into that emotional rabbit hole and uncover WHY you're a bit different from others in that regard

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perhaps you've already given it a lot of thought

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you DO show a tendency for self reflection

pale orbit
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yeah all my poems are mostly based on introspection

tender girder
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do you spend a lot of time alone?

pale orbit
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yeah

tender girder
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and you're in college or you're just finishing highschool?

pale orbit
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finished highschool

tender girder
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and you have no friends to hang out with?

pale orbit
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no i do haha lol im fine

tender girder
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(that's what they ALL say)

pale orbit
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(trust me im really fine)

tender girder
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but you DO admit to being, uh, unstimulated

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bored

pale orbit
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yeah im bored

tender girder
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then why don't you hang out with said friends?

gilded rain
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yooo i just read it, its a lovely poem

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catches the feelings you try to convey very well

gilded rain
pale orbit
pale orbit
tender girder
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and then once I have the small pieces, I can start to put together the big pieces

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vital detective work when interviewing a stranger, y'know what I mean?

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no offense, stranger

pale orbit
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nah its fine!

gilded rain
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oooh idk, loaded questions usually put people off :D

tender girder
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I don't mean to invade your privacy, I can back off, or you can disengage from the conversation at any given time, freely, and rudely too, if necessary

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I will take no offense

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I, too, am bored, and unstimulated

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character study is a good pass of time for me

gilded rain
pale orbit
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haha its fine really

tender girder
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is it a textual version of the cold shoulder?

pale orbit
tender girder
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closed-offedness?

pale orbit
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hahah no no ofcourse not

gilded rain
tender girder
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(trust me, I'm asking out of curiosity, I'm not insulted)

somber jungleBOT
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*(trust me, I'm asking

out of curiosity,

I'm not insulted)*

- doctorhunger
tender girder
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(I just think I smell blood in the water, and I want to chase that scent)

somber jungleBOT
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*(I just think I smell

blood in the water, and I

want to chase that scent)*

- doctorhunger
tender girder
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(no offense, Krisia)

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it could be a false trail

pale orbit
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(honestly its fine, im not giving u a cold shoulder)

tender girder
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What does this stanza mean?

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The other stanzas are a bit more direct, and the meaning is literal, and evident

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this one seems to be a bit more nuanced, coded

pale orbit
tender girder
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OHHHHHHHHHHH

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that actually puts that entire stanza into perspective

somber jungleBOT
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*that actually

puts that entire stanza

into perspective*

- doctorhunger
pale orbit
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and so had I been used and so will I be discarded lol

tender girder
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"State your desire with a heap of credence
She'd break a leg to fulfill your purchase
And break her demeanour and show your vice
She'd take it with a smile that screams grace"

I'm ASSUMING the first half of this stanza means "I, Krisia, will break a leg to fulfill what you want from me"

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But what does the second half mean?

pale orbit
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like ill go to THAT length in making sure your content, if that makes any sense

tender girder
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Ohhhhhhh, okay

pale orbit
tender girder
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as in like there's no break from the second line to the third line, it's all just a continuation of the stanza?

summer gullBOT
somber jungleBOT
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*and even if you

hurt me, I won't revolt back

or something like that*

- Krisia
tender girder
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I got confused because I kept reading it as one half of the stanza, and then a second half of the stanza

pale orbit
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im sorry if it was confusing

tender girder
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"My fault for considering the courage,
the courage of breaking hellions' hearts,"

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This part?

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if you can elaborate?

pale orbit
gilded rain
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i used to feel like at least through bullying me they get to have unity

tender girder
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Ahhh, so IF I'm interpreting this stanza correctly:

Still, who's to blame? (Here you ask a rhetorical question, essentially "victim blaming" yourself for the predicament you find yourself in)
It was all my fault to amend
My fault for considering the courage,
the courage of breaking hellions' hearts,
as happiness: in knowing that it resides in the ones still beating (And these four lines are essentially you saying "I have no one to blame but myself, because every time I consider the possibility of not being a people-pleaser, the thought of letting them down discourages you from saying "no"?)

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Is that more or less accurate?

pale orbit
pale orbit
tender girder
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The last stanza seems to be the most coded out of all of them; your admission of "missing stress" has helped me put the obvious clues together

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but the part about "greens, blues, and grays" still eludes me

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Is it some inside knowledge?

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An "injoke" you share with yourself?

pale orbit
tender girder
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Ahhhhhhhhhhh, that does make more sense

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I considered those possibilities, but I was wondering if it was a stretch of my imagination

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Well, that's not a bad little poem you wrote there

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It clearly reflects the way you felt at the time when you wrote it

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You DID ask for "harsh" feedback, but I don't think I can bring myself to do that

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You seem a little, uh...

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Idk

pale orbit
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i dont mind if u give the most critical one you got, cause if I'm posting it, it means that I'm already choosing for people to critique it

tender girder
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I'll put it like this, you sound like you'd make an excellent victim

pale orbit
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and in a way itll only help me grow in poetry

pale orbit
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victim for what though

tender girder
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Well, the first thought that comes to mind is abuse from your parents

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But anything really

gilded rain
tender girder
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an abusive partner

tender girder
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I'm literally warning her

pale orbit
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haha nah im fine trust me

tender girder
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There's a lot of language that I find familiar with those who "victim blame" themselves

pale orbit
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thanks for your concern

tender girder
pale orbit
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shoot

tender girder
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most of it is subjective, because of course art is subjective

gilded rain
# tender girder I'm literally warning her

Mate, you got a very weird position in this conversation you created. It feels like talking to krisia from a heightened standpoint, looking down on her and "pitying" her/giving her advice

On the same hand it seems like you are trying to flatter her with every second message, im just comprehending this on my second screen and have to put gifs when its too much for me

tender girder
pale orbit
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like i said, this might be overly amplified...so might not be totally true at certain places

tender girder
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I am removed from the situation in a personal matter, and am revising it from a purely objective standpoint

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However, because I am human, and because I'm not a robot, I find it hard to maintain that distance

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and so I throw her a "bone" every now and then

gilded rain
tender girder
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I think perhaps you're coloring me, or viewing me from some bias?

somber jungleBOT
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*I think perhaps you're

coloring me, or viewing

me from some bias?*

- doctorhunger
tender girder
pale orbit
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its fine, im glad ur taking ur time to actually analyse the poem

tender girder
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I'm kind of throwing my hands in the air in a "what the heck?" type of manner right now

pale orbit
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??? im confused

tender girder
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I think you see something in me, or you're accusing me of something that I'm not actually doing?

gilded rain
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no im just reacting to this while coding at work :D

tender girder
pale orbit
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???

gilded rain
# pale orbit ???

sorry for derailing your poem love <3 i thought this is off topic lol

tender girder
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Uh, no offense, but I'm actually a little insulted what you're insinuating of me

gilded rain
tender girder
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You're not being objective or straight forward, you're straight up accusing me of terrible behavior

gilded rain
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no im just reacting to messages i deem to be cringeworthy, i never said you do X

tender girder
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that's not an objective or flat statement, those are MEANT to be taken offensively

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very well, I will TRY not to feel offended at what you're insinuating

gilded rain
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i dont care if you are or not my man, keep on keeping on fella

tender girder
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But I get the impression that you're deliberately trying to evoke a negative response from me

somber jungleBOT
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*i dont care if you

are or not my man, keep on

keeping on fella*

- PelicansPoetry(Narvotic)
tender girder
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Very well, ANYWAY

tender girder
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but I DO have constructive criticism

pale orbit
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hmm

tender girder
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Basically, do you see this poem as something you'd publish? Publically?

pale orbit
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uhhh, idk?

tender girder
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Or is this more of a personal poem you'd rather keep in your folder for yourself?

pale orbit
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i honestly dont know

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i havent thought bout that yet

tender girder
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Well, that's totally fine, I know plenty of people would say the same about their own poetry

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Here's what I would personally suggest

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IF you intend to make this poem "presentable for the public"

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I think it needs a lot of work, particularly, I think this poem holds enough emotional weight that I would want to see it receive the honor of a good rhyme scheme and meter

pale orbit
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okay i get what you mean

tender girder
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I don't think all poems need rhyme and meter, but this one definitely does

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Some of the concepts are a bit vague, and perhaps I'm a bit slow, but it felt like there needed to be a little too much elaboration

pale orbit
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right

tender girder
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Nah, I wouldn't put it like that, I think it just deserves a little polishing and editing

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No one posts the first draft and calls it a day

gilded rain
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Tbf i disagree on this having to strictly adhere to meter and rhyme scheme

The poetic self is currently in distress, cause it has no distress. Which is a very disharmonic feeling

I think the disharmony in meter and rhythm actually supports that

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I bet, if we knew the way krisia reads it in her head, we would catch a very well fitting rhythm on this one

tender girder
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Although I DID ask to be spoonfed the rhymthm, and I think it was still a little hard to follow even after that

pale orbit
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hmm

tender girder
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BUT

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That brings me to my next point

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Let's say this poem is more for YOU than it's meant for an AUDIENCE

somber jungleBOT
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*Let's say this poem

is more for YOU than it's meant

for an AUDIENCE*

- doctorhunger
gilded rain
tender girder
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If that were the case, then I see no need for revision or editing

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It's a solid little showcase of your emotional state at the time, and you can proudly submit it into your folder and take a peek at it every now and then; as a sort of personal reminder like "Oh, that's right, I wrote that, didn't I?"

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And you can, and should, feel proud of that

pale orbit
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okay

tender girder
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For example, I was a little confused while reading the poem and needed her help every now and then

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With some elaboration and context, I was able to grasp the full poem

pale orbit
tender girder
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Oh, right!

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Sorry, I got sidetracked, but I'll check out those other ones you sent me

pale orbit
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no worries!

tender girder
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I don't want to make you feel defensive, or I don't want you feeling overly self critical; so I just want you to know I'm not attacking your abilities in any way

pale orbit
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no no trust me i dont feel that way

tender girder
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I think, depending on the intended audience, whether that be for you, or for public viewing, it really changes the context of which the poem is to be read

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so my criticism is subjective in that regard

pale orbit
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kay

tender girder
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So I read the poem, and it's pretty good

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I can definitely see the rhyme scheme, and the themes are pretty evident

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hold on, I'mma just drop the critique in the actual poem and not here lol

willow tundra
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hm yes looks like a poem

pale orbit
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@whole hare

whole hare
pale orbit
winter horizon
pale orbit
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@tender girder @lilac gale

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@lost swallow

lilac gale
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im dead

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i cant review

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i have nothin to say

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im too lazy to

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so

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WIWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

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WIW WIWIIWIWIIW

pale orbit
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its fine!

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take ur time no rush dear

lilac gale
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wiwiwiwiwiwiwiwiwiwiwiiwiwiwiwiiwiwiwiwiwiwiwiwwiwiwiwiwiwwiwiwiiwiiwiwiwiwiwiwiwiwiwi

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WIW

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:>

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bery WIW

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thank you for showing mah thiz masterpiece

lost swallow
summer gullBOT
tender girder
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LOVE DA VIBE HERE! IT GOT THAT DARK TWISTED BEAUTY

pale orbit
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TwT

tender girder
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the imagery is vivid especially the idea of being a vessel for societal expectations

pale orbit
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i dont rememebr if its this poem but i foudn it randomly in one of my notebooks

tender girder
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holyyy

tender girder
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😭

pale orbit
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like i dont rememebr writing these poems

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but ik they;re mine cause who else got a poopy handwriting

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no i dont think its this poem

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i remember wanting to write a poem that talked about a regals teacup

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and so i pushed the idea in here

tender girder
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English not my first language so 😭

pale orbit
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oh

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it kinda is suppsoed to be my first languag

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i had two first languages in one go

tender girder
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u're from asia

pale orbit
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ig

tender girder
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how so

tender girder
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😭

pale orbit
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no like ive been speaking to everyone outside home in english

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wow i didnt post my poem about being a groom and being jealous

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LMAO

tender girder
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can't relate

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tbh

pale orbit
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me neither

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but i wonder why i wrote this

tender girder
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ion got anyone to feel jealous on

pale orbit
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ig i tried fr a love poem it just took a dark turn

tender girder
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man dis generation is cooked in general

pale orbit
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ill post it ig

tender girder
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they don't deserve the love and effort real ppl do for them

tender girder
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trusttt

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if u met me at the start of this year

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i would'ev agreed

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but now

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oh no

pale orbit
tender girder
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even tho she elft me

pale orbit
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nah

tender girder
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cuz she "lost" feelings

pale orbit
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i dont believe in the idea of love

tender girder
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BUT

pale orbit
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its just delusion

tender girder
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now i do believe

tender girder
pale orbit
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eh

tender girder
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TRUSTT

pale orbit
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ntohing that would ever happen to me im sure

tender girder
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u're not a rock

pale orbit
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i dont look forward to dating or marrying dude :]

pale orbit
tender girder
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😭

pale orbit
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nah

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im straight

tender girder
pale orbit
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but hoenstly i dont believe in love

tender girder
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ur family

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ur real friends

pale orbit
tender girder
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the one that care ab you

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wdym

pale orbit
tender girder
pale orbit
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@tender girder

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@indigo coyote

tender girder
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the amount of yap in the comments dayum

pale orbit
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lol

pale orbit
tender girder
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this is so so so goood

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i am totally diggin in

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i love it

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its grear

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you captured it so beautifully

pale orbit
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thank ypu!

pale orbit
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@fringe thistle

fringe thistle
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I like this poem coffeepotat

Although analysis isn't my forte I can at least spread my positivity.

It flows quite well and the tone feels like melancholy heartpotat

pale orbit
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thank you!

pale orbit
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@prisma granite

prisma granite
# pale orbit Drag her down to the depths of hell and yet she would smile. But bring her back ...

Some distorted faces i did make, but not from misunderstandings sake

ive read not comments or some other share, i give my feedback with untainted glare

It's your fault yes that's true for blame, but not all yours you merely share the name

an ugly soul you have and i know what you want, so for now ill mirror the meaning you flaunt

to be used and abused you're long over due, but mistake me not (please dont sue)

the honesty you so openly crave, i admit was shared with open brave

on the mark i know i am, so lie to me if you're so damned

a euphoric descent or a twisted play, receiving praise from what you say

the forbidden glee is seen by me, given by he but wished by she

a few last rhymes for this feedback mime, your poem an ugly piece sublime

the societal expectations you percieve, are personal limitations you should reprieve

a heavenly bliss you always feel, a hell of waking is my appeal.

pale orbit
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damn