#Whispers in the Land

139 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

lyric iron
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This is my updated version:

In a land of ancient skies,
Where olive trees and shadows lie,
A story of both loss and gain,
Is whispered in the wind and rain.

Children play where hope seems frail,
Their laughter masked by sorrow’s veil,
In fields where peace has long been sought,
Amid the battles bravely fought.

In one such home, a tale of woe,
A family’s grief continues to grow,
Young Amina, full of cheer,
Was lost to violence, stark and clear.

Homes in rubble, dreams in dust,
In streets where broken spirits trust,
That someday peace will find its way,
To mend the hearts of yesterday.

Mothers weep for sons they mourn,
Fathers’ hearts by conflict torn,
Amina’s mother, tears of grief,
Seeks solace yet, without relief.

Yet still they dream, through night and day,
Of olive branches in their sway.
The land of tears, of joy and pain,
Of promises in sun and rain.

The land recalls the scars and fears,
And holds the hope of future years.
Her brother, Ali, tries to cope,
Clinging tightly to threads of hope.

In valleys deep and mountains high,
Beneath the vast, unyielding sky,
A yearning for a world that’s free,
Where all can live in harmony.

May dawn arrive with soft embrace,
And shine upon each weary face,
In Palestine, where dreams take flight,
May peace prevail both day and night.

For every child like Amina lost,
The price of war, an endless cost,
May we find the strength to stand,
And heal the wounds across the land.

storm smelt
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You made that seem so easy

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It’s uncanny

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Is that really your first

lyric iron
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there my first in this server

storm smelt
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Oh I see but even so

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Usually people struggle with rhymes while also ensuring clarity to the story

lyric iron
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i won the somerset county poetry contest in year 10 if that helps idk what to say sorry

storm smelt
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You intertwined both so perfectly

lyric iron
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i won’t lie it’s one of the best i’ve ever created

lyric iron
storm smelt
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Very nice

lyric iron
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if you got any feedback would also be amazing since i always love knowing what i can work on

storm smelt
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Honestly I have no criticisms to make here

bronze oarBOT
storm smelt
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I could not do better

lyric iron
storm smelt
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You’re welcome

lyric iron
storm smelt
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You’re right

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I meant writing poetry about themes of war and genocide specifically

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I don’t think I’d be good at it

lyric iron
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100% i like to rhyme specifically so i try to sing it in a song freestyle jot down what sounds good then edit and go over it 2-3 times and that will be my final ‘performance’

lyric iron
storm smelt
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Keep it up friend

lyric iron
pseudo stirrup
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That’s dope af

lyric iron
lyric iron
pseudo stirrup
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I’ll send them later

lyric iron
pseudo stirrup
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Not in the right mind set to give out advice

lyric iron
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nah ofc hope everything’s ok

lyric iron
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@graceful laurel

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i didn’t do that because i don’t like making my poems personal

plain grottoBOT
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*i didn’t do that

because i don’t like making

my poems personal*

lyric iron
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In a land of ancient skies,
Where olive trees and shadows lie,
A story of both loss and gain,
Is whispered in the wind and rain.

Children play where hope seems frail,
Their laughter masked by sorrow’s veil,
In fields where peace has long been sought,
Amid the battles bravely fought.

In one such home, a tale of woe,
A family’s grief continues to grow,
Young Amina, bright and full of cheer,
Was lost to violence, stark and clear.

Homes in rubble, dreams in dust,
In streets where broken spirits trust,
That someday peace will find its way,
To mend the hearts of yesterday.

Mothers weep for sons they mourn,
Fathers’ hearts by conflict torn,
And Amina’s mother, tears of grief,
Seeks solace, but finds no relief.

Yet still they dream, through night and day,
Of olive branches in their sway.
The land of tears, of joy and pain,
Of promises in sun and rain.

Remembers all the scars and fears,
And holds the hope of future years.
Her brother, Ali, tries to cope,
Clinging tightly to threads of hope.

In valleys deep and mountains high,
Beneath the vast, unyielding sky,
A yearning for a world that’s free,
Where all can live in harmony.

May dawn arrive with soft embrace,
And shine upon each weary face,
In Palestine, where dreams take flight,
May peace prevail both day and night.

For every child like Amina lost,
The price of war, an endless cost,
May we find the strength to stand,
And heal the wounds across the land.

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updated version ^^

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@graceful laurel do you think that’s a improvement ?

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i really appreciate that i love writing i write stories songs poems many things it’s a big passion and i want to try publish my work but i wouldn’t know where to start

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Ok thanks

graceful laurel
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You’re truly talented omg🥹, and ofc free Palestine till it’s backwards 🇵🇸 🤍🤍

lyric iron
graceful laurel
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Ofcc!! I’m more than happy to read if you ever want to share your work 🙂

lyric iron
cerulean heath
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I’d love to read the original version of this poem just for comparison’s sake. I don’t agree that having a strong sign of hope is necessary for people to connect with a piece; in reality, people are losing their lives. They don’t get happy endings. Again i don’t know what the original ending was like, but uncomfortable truths are important and connect with readers.

lyric iron
cerulean heath
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Your imagery is very evocative, “a land of ancient skies” “whispered in the wind and rain”. I appreciate the poem almost becomes a prayer at the end, and the choice to focus on the character Amina was nice. There are a couple lines that don’t seem to flow well—“And Amina’s mother” is clunky, you could fix that by removing the “And”, “Young Amina, bright and full of cheer” is a little long for the meter, you could omit “bright and”. My last note is that “Remembers all the scars and fears” isn’t clear on who’s doing the remembering. overall, i like your poem. keep up the good work!

lyric iron
lyric iron
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@cerulean heath uodated version is up

graceful laurel
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Okay, so as far as technique, and rhyme scheme, and meter, and all that stuff goes, I don't really have much to say; I think it's a clean, well made poem

loud fulcrum
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Chatgpt

graceful laurel
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so now my critique becomes more, uh, subjective

loud fulcrum
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I feel like its chatgpt

lyric iron
graceful laurel
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more of my personal "opinion" rather than critique

lyric iron
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i’vee got a lot more in my notes i can send you if you like

graceful laurel
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Besides, even if you had evidence, I think I'll choose to give Mop the benefit of the doubt

lyric iron
lyric iron
graceful laurel
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"Mothers weep for sons they mourn,
Fathers’ hearts by conflict torn,
And Amina’s mother, tears of grief,
Seeks solace, but finds no relief."

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I trip over the "seeks solace, but finds no relief" part a little bit

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I could be reading it wrong

lyric iron
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Yeah no i agree i see that now

graceful laurel
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but perhaps "seeks solace yet, without relief" might serve better, lyrically?

lyric iron
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the but makes it a bit sticky

graceful laurel
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or some such change

lyric iron
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ooo that’s a good suggestion let me give the poem a read and add your part in see if that works thank you 🙂

graceful laurel
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but yeah, anyways, as I was saying

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as far as technical criticism goes, that's really all I can offer at this time

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as for subjective opinion, I THINK (and hear me out now)

lyric iron
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i feel like your idea would work majorly better i appreciate your feedback would you mind if i change the poem to your suggestion i can give you credit if you want 🙂

graceful laurel
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it might serve better if this poem leaned a little more into the "hopeful" side of things?

graceful laurel
lyric iron
graceful laurel
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that's interesting

lyric iron
graceful laurel
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I must've just sped the process up for you

graceful laurel
lyric iron
graceful laurel
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with the whole idea of "children playing/laughing"

bronze oarBOT
lyric iron
graceful laurel
lyric iron
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i’m glad to hear that i love inspiring people 🙂

graceful laurel
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See, there's two anti-war messages you can send:

  1. Here's how war DO be
  2. Here's how war COULD be
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the first one is your usual 'war is bad" type stuff

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dead bodies, crying kids, bombed houses

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the second one (which is how your poem felt like it was going), is more like, y'know, the beauty of human resilience and cooperation

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kindness during times of hardship

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y'know, THAT type of stuff

lyric iron
graceful laurel
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With this particular poem, you have the opportunity to do both options 1 and 2

lyric iron
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or option 2

slim pine
# loud fulcrum I feel like its chatgpt

It's a beautiful poem, but that chatgpt checker does say it was written by AI. It could just be a coincidence or the rhyming couplets. Either way it has good imagery, pacing, and tone.

lyric iron
lyric iron
slim pine
lyric iron
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thank you

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🙂

graceful laurel
# lyric iron do you think i should try implicate option 1 more ?

Here's how I would personally do it; and of course all writer's differ in taste, so if my idea is bitter, spit it out, but

First, I'd start off with the whole idea of "children's laughter is veiled in sorrow", because the image of that dad laughing is so deep and raw

Then, in the middle, I'd go on to elaborate on the tragedy of the situation by mentioning good things that the war took away. Schools, good food, families. Y'know, like community type stuff that were lost to violence.

And finally, I'd end it on a more hopeful "this is how it COULD be" type of note. Instead of "laughter veiled in sorrow", maybe you can transform it into "sorrow veiled by laughter", as in, the laughter and innocence of the children are louder than the bombs themselves

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so y'know, that way you can explore the different angles in one poem

plain grottoBOT
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*so y'know, that way

you can explore the different

angles in one poem*

graceful laurel
lyric iron
graceful laurel
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whichever way you choose, it's a good poem overall

slim pine
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It really sucks if the checker is mislabeling your poem. That is kinda a travesty. You shouldn't have to prove anything.

lyric iron
lyric iron
slim pine
graceful laurel
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I wouldn't witch hunt you over it

lyric iron
lyric iron
graceful laurel
lyric iron
graceful laurel
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yeah, eff the checker

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I don't really care all too much

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unless YOU yourself want to change it, I'd just leave it

lyric iron
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I really appreciate that thank you i’ll give it a little change from your feedback but apart from that like you said eff the checker 😂😂

slim pine
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Wow, this is wild. I just wrote two uninspired stanza's of rhyming couplets and the checker thought it was 50% AI. I bet that the checker would claim any well written poem that uses this sort of structure. I put your poem in a couple other checkers and it said 100% human. Sorry for doubting you.

I am a fan of rhyming couplets so I love this poem. It is very clear in its references and imagery. I was able to figure out what it was about even before you explicitly said it.

I don't think anything needs to change in it. It would be very hard to nitpick anything specific.

I will say that the story painted is quite surface level, which in this case is a great thing. You are able to capture emotion simply by describing the scene. It shows that your writing did not get in the way of the true reality of the situation.

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I think in poetry there is a route where you describe reality to bring up emotions, and another one where you describe emotions and let the reader interpret the reality. Writing can fall anywhere on this spectrum. Good writing has to be clear on its intent and how it utilizes true descriptions and raw emotions. You did this well.

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So I don't have any critisism.

lyric iron
lyric iron
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<@&1144090752457113794> <@&1236639608201023509> anyone want to add on ?