#Innocent Until Proven Guilty

1 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

crude dagger
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Deceptress pointed her crooked finger
And everyone’s eyes lingered
Like they could see the guilt on me
The guilt that they so desperately need

If they don’t arrest the criminal
People might claim the search was minimal
So they find another guy
And stick him to a lie

Is it because I’m a little tall?
Because I’m strong enough to assault?
Is it because I’m kind of poor?
And have to sleep on my floor?

They looked at my accounts
Added up all the amounts
They know I’m not well-off
So now, I’m held aloft

—Hung by the neck
The jury didn’t bother to check
If the evidence lined up
Pleased to sip from Deceptress’ cup

Is it because I’m a bit ugly?
And not at all cuddly?
Is it because of my RBF?
My face that shows my bereft?

I’m a human, too
I’ve suffered and I’ve gone through
Some pretty difficult things
You ignored the rings

—The rings on my left hand
Look at my wedding band
And yet you do not see my wife
And that is my strife

Listen to the other side
See what Deceptress tries to hide
A story of immense pain
And of fighting all in vain

Look at the hospital bills
And the dreams unfulfilled
At the dark stone of a grave
The grief that hits me like a wave

Deceptress knows it’s lies
But no one hears my cries
Because I am a bigger man
They refuse to understand

If I were more delicate
—Small, and more elegant
If I could shed some tears
Show you all my fears

You like to spare the pretty
You don’t like the gritty
But I can’t change the way I look
A good person can appear a crook

With a beard, I look heartless
Without it, I look “depressed”
And you use this as evidence
It didn’t take much to convince

The medical system failed me
Made me pay for their false guarantee
They said she’d make it out alive
But, alas, she didn’t survive.

Now the judicial system fails me
Locks up those who should be free
I won’t make it out alive
I know I won’t survive

But before you send me to the chair
I want you to beware
That the criminal was not me
The real guy still walks free

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@brisk fox
@wooden hatch
@thorny wedge
@lilac cradle

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@placid torrent
@vale steeple
@limber pilot

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@tacit aurora

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I'm not sure if I did this one very well, so I would LOVE some feedback :)

wooden hatch
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Good critique

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I like the

They know I’m not well-off
So now, I’m held aloft

—Hung by the neck
The jury didn’t bother to check

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Its not really a critique more just something id have liked, or you can do, is that you could maybe do more with the actual persons, whos perspective this is from, emotions and thoughts on this, unless the goal there is to leave that person more as just a vessel for this message

crude dagger
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This one feels a lot more empty than I wanted LOL

It's supposed to kind of call attention to false convictions and the fact that our judicial system is sometimes flawed because of how much the jury judges based on appearance.

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I was trying to give some backstory for why the guy on trial appears so unsavory--poor because of hospital bills, a bit messy and unkempt because of grief

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But all people see is the rags and the dirt

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And they use that to justify a conviction

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But I don't think I captured it very well

crude dagger
wooden hatch
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No you did

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Thats what im saying

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So the character comes across as sort of a collection of facts and backstory

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Rather than their own person

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Which again

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Is fine depending on what your aiming for

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So you’re welcome to leave as is lol

tacit aurora
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I will respond to this and the other one once I can! 🙂

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I'm at work

late gate
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Nice one bro. It tells a story as the title says, it goes deep from start to finish, well-rounded and well done. It doesn't have the divinity of a god but the complexity of human relations, not the imaginary but the underlying reality.

Well done 👍

brisk fox
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The topic of stereotyping people by their looks in such a setting is a great idea for a poem. You really depict the desperation of the character very well, and how there is no reasoning with the judges for them. What I also enjoy quite a lot are the two stanzas before the last one. Both systems failing them has a certain feel to it which I can't really explain, it definitely adds to the desperation and hopelessnes though. Keep it up catok

crude dagger
naive creek
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this is a strong poem for me

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although I'm not a fan of free verse, the structure here is quite nice

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it also has some depth to it, although it can be improved a little bit to make it more complex

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my opinionated (and biased) recommendation is to make the man's feelings stronger, more aggravated

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make it sound like the man is ridden with grief and pain

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if that's what your narrative wants, that is

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other than that, this poem is an 8/10 for me

vale steeple
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Hey, nice. I like the depth of the anguish and injustice you talked about. Also, the impact of the flawed judicial and medical system is very well described. Overall a great take on the flawed system.

crude dagger
tacit aurora
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I loved this

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Just one tiny nitpick

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"Poor" and "floor" don't exactly rhyme

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Other than that, this is fantastic :))

naive creek
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That's already enough for me, honestly

lilac cradle
# crude dagger Deceptress pointed her crooked finger And everyone’s eyes lingered Like they cou...

It's nice how the storytelling goes overall and it's a real good attempt at expressing it poetically. I believe I understand about your concern on the parts it feels somehow empty. Perhaps drafting it once again and marking what feels off to you personally so you can work on a better version for it. There are places where the rhyming scheme doesn't work exactly so it feels off the note. It's an awesome theme as always, I like the how the societal norms are depicted here and how it also shows the prejudiced that are often held against men in day to day lives as well. I adore how you make the pov of the voice in each of your poem as intimate as it can be for them to tell their sufferings. It's like you know it so well. Lastly the concluding stanza is again powerful. That the criminal was not me
The real guy still walks free - it's evoking emotions. Good one!!

tacit aurora
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"Poor" is like an elongated "puur", while "floor" has an elongated "O"

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But honestly, that's okay

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This poem is wonderful

crude dagger
crude dagger
naive creek
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They sound the same to me, at least in the poem