Twisted Looking Glass [2] | The Art of Poetry | Page 1

polar dune May 21, 2024, 2:48 PM

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I look around, confused and afraid
The friendships I have lost,
And the mistakes I have made,

I look towards the sky
Praying for a light,
A guiding messenger,
A path that is right

I ask for forgiveness
But the words do not speak
Stuck in my mind,
The words cannot go

I overthink to myself
Realizing what I’m doing wrong
But is the wrong the right?
Should I be gone?

I listen to sinners words,
Asking for forgiveness,
I wish to ask the same,
But I cannot deserve it,

I cry and reach for a word,
But conflicting desires churn it
I want to get better,
But instead I only hurt it,

I want salvation,
My heart so deserted,
A saving grace
Someone that can deem me worth it,

I wish for God,
Yet I treat Him worthless,
I do not see His help,
Supposedly a being so perfect

Maybe I don’t deserve it,
Maybe I am beyond saving,
Maybe he is saving me already,
But why is my mind still unsteady?

Am I overthinking still?
A disgrace to be considered
A sign of disgust
And yet it is nothing so little

I am lost, scared and confused
Am I loved?
Or am I just a muse?
Despite the feelings,
Could it be true?

-Page End, New Start-

polar dune May 23, 2024, 10:58 AM

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@strong zealot

strong zealot May 23, 2024, 11:08 AM

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Hmm, give me 15 minutes, as I'm taking care of my household

polar dune May 23, 2024, 11:10 AM

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yeah absolutely take your time

strong zealot May 23, 2024, 11:20 AM

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Yo @polar dune you online?

polar dune May 23, 2024, 11:20 AM

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yup

strong zealot May 23, 2024, 11:21 AM

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I like giving feedback more when I'm with the author, since I might misinterpret lines

polar dune May 23, 2024, 11:21 AM

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yeah that makes sense

strong zealot May 23, 2024, 11:22 AM

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Anyways, I'm kinda harsh, so, don't take my feedback as an insult (don't worry, I'm not some sort of Karen, it's just that some people, eh)

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Anyways

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Let's start

polar dune May 23, 2024, 11:22 AM

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yeah ofc thanks again

strong zealot May 23, 2024, 11:22 AM

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Found this at stanza 3

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Can you tell me its meaning first? (i mean the whole stanza)

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So I can give appropriate feedback, especially regarding the highlighted line

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People have different interpretations, and mine might be different to the intended message

polar dune May 23, 2024, 11:23 AM

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like i want to say them but the words do not come out

strong zealot May 23, 2024, 11:24 AM

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polar dune like i want to say them but the words do not come out

Hmm, alright

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I recommend revising the highlighted line, since it gives a different message than the intended one

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I interpreted the line as something like "the words mean nothing" or "the words don't reach you"

strong zealot May 23, 2024, 11:25 AM

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strong zealot I interpreted the line as something like "the words mean nothing" or "the words ...

While the latter sounds similar to yours, it's different to "the words don't come out"

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What I meant by that is the message doesn't reach the recipient

rigid hollyBOT May 23, 2024, 11:25 AM

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*What I meant by that

is the message doesn't reach

the recipient*

polar dune May 23, 2024, 11:25 AM

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ohh i guess i can see that

strong zealot May 23, 2024, 11:26 AM

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My recommendation is something like a question, like:

I ask for forgiveness,
Why doesn't my mouth speak?

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Feel free to revise it in any way

polar dune May 23, 2024, 11:27 AM

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yeah i get you 🗿 👍

strong zealot May 23, 2024, 11:27 AM

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Anyways, I also found this:

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Just found it confusing

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Can you tell me the meaning of this line?

polar dune May 23, 2024, 11:28 AM

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its uncertainty

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im doing the wrong thing, but can this be the right thing

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because im overthinking

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this stanza is mostly just my thoughts, jumping around almost in like a panic

strong zealot May 23, 2024, 11:29 AM

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polar dune im doing the wrong thing, but can this be the right thing

Hmm

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I'd support that message using the 4th line also

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Maybe something like:

"But can this be correct?
Can the wrong, be the right?"

rigid hollyBOT May 23, 2024, 11:31 AM

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*Maybe something like:

"But can this be correct? Can

the wrong, be the right?"*

strong zealot May 23, 2024, 11:31 AM

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Ofc this is a rushed example by mine

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You can easily revise and refine it

polar dune May 23, 2024, 11:31 AM

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yeah

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i dont want anything to be too polished, because its like my mind, where everything is rugged

strong zealot May 23, 2024, 11:32 AM

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I think that the line "Should I be gone?" isn't supported by anything, or rather, that's already supported by the entire poem, depending on the reader's interpretation

strong zealot May 23, 2024, 11:32 AM

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polar dune i dont want anything to be too polished, because its like my mind, where everyth...

Hmm, fair

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I would recommend "jagged" statements then

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Something short and punchy

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"I'm realizing what I'm doing wrong,
But can this be correct,
All that I've been doing wrong,
Can they be right?"

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Repeating words can also make it seem like you are in a panic

rigid hollyBOT May 23, 2024, 11:34 AM

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*Repeating words can

also make it seem like you

are in a panic*

strong zealot May 23, 2024, 11:34 AM

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Make the reader feel the message "What should I do? What should I do?"

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For the panic/overthinking part, that is

polar dune May 23, 2024, 11:34 AM

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this is a tough one for sure

elder meadowBOT May 23, 2024, 11:34 AM

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polar dune this is a tough one for sure

Wonderful! @polar dune has just pregressed to level 3!

strong zealot May 23, 2024, 11:35 AM

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polar dune this is a tough one for sure

What I would do for that is repeat words, use short lines, and use question marks, to make it seem like you are uncertain

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Maybe compare that to something like a sea

polar dune May 23, 2024, 11:35 AM

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i also dont want to abandon the doubt from the "should i be gone?"

strong zealot May 23, 2024, 11:35 AM

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You are in a ship, but you have no destination

rigid hollyBOT May 23, 2024, 11:35 AM

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*i also dont want

to abandon the doubt from

"the should i be gone?"*

strong zealot May 23, 2024, 11:36 AM

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polar dune i also dont want to abandon the doubt from the "should i be gone?"

Hmm, what I would do here is to make another stanza supporting this

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Or rewrite the stanza and integrate that, but that would lose some spark from the "overthinking" message

polar dune May 23, 2024, 11:36 AM

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right

strong zealot May 23, 2024, 11:37 AM

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Oh yeah, I also found a grammatical error

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Nothing too major, in fact, I actually liked this stanza

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Maybe rewrite the line into "But I don't deserve such mercy"?

polar dune May 23, 2024, 11:39 AM

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wait why is it wrong?

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grammatically i mean

strong zealot May 23, 2024, 11:39 AM

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polar dune wait why is it wrong?

The correct word/phrase should be "do not"

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Or "don't"

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I might be wrong and "cannot deserve" might be an obscure phrase (last time I studied grammar was a year ago, lmao), but "don't deserve" is also better for the context

strong zealot May 23, 2024, 11:42 AM

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strong zealot I might be wrong and "cannot deserve" might be an obscure phrase (last time I st...

Checked it out, "cannot deserve" is in fact, grammatically incorrect

polar dune May 23, 2024, 11:42 AM

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my idea behind it was "I cant imagine deserving forgiveness" because of the guilt and doubt

polar dune May 23, 2024, 11:42 AM

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strong zealot Checked it out, "cannot deserve" is in fact, grammatically incorrect

oh i see

strong zealot May 23, 2024, 11:43 AM

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polar dune my idea behind it was "I cant imagine deserving forgiveness" because of the guil...

I think "do not deserve" is fine for that, unless you want to flesh the idea out a little bit more?

polar dune May 23, 2024, 11:43 AM

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ohkay ill definitely flesh that out for the revision

strong zealot May 23, 2024, 11:44 AM

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Alright

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There's this structural problem that icks me out a little bit:

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The syllable count for each line in this stanza is:

4
6
6
10

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It sounds weird when you say it out loud

polar dune May 23, 2024, 11:45 AM

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yeah that line threw me off too when i wrote it

strong zealot May 23, 2024, 11:46 AM

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What I would do in this situation is put quotation marks around the "a being so perfect" part

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It's like you are doubting Him

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If that's the message behind the line

polar dune May 23, 2024, 11:46 AM

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its a mix of doubting Him and myself

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like if He is so perfect He would help me, but I also see myself not worth helping

strong zealot May 23, 2024, 11:47 AM

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Hmm, I would say to jumble the sequence of lines a little bit

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Like:

First line shows you doubting god.
Second line supports that with a statement, like "a being so perfect.
The third line says something about God not helping you/you not seeing his help.
The fourh line might detail you doubting yourself, maybe something like "maybe I'm not worthy."

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So you doubting yourself feels more subtle, if that's what you want

polar dune May 23, 2024, 11:49 AM

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yeah you are definitely right about this line

strong zealot May 23, 2024, 11:49 AM

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strong zealot So you doubting yourself feels more subtle, if that's what you want

You can reverse it if you wish, and make that the focus of the stanza instead

strong zealot May 23, 2024, 11:49 AM

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polar dune yeah you are definitely right about this line

Nothing helps more than dictating lines out loud, although I violate that principle sometimes

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Last one

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What is "it" in this line?

polar dune May 23, 2024, 11:50 AM

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it is me

strong zealot May 23, 2024, 11:51 AM

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polar dune it is me

Hmm, I would flesh that part out by opening the next stanza, detailing your heart

polar dune May 23, 2024, 11:51 AM

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yeah i see what you mean

strong zealot May 23, 2024, 11:52 AM

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Like, opening it with,

"My heart begs for salvation,
My heart, so deserted!"

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And that ends the criticisms

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For the good parts of the poem

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Of course, there's this stanza:

polar dune May 23, 2024, 11:52 AM

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Thank you ill definitely ponder on those

strong zealot May 23, 2024, 11:53 AM

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strong zealot Of course, there's this stanza:

Without the error, I liked this one

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I could also feel you overthinking, although you can flesh that one out

polar dune May 23, 2024, 11:53 AM

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wdym?

strong zealot May 23, 2024, 11:54 AM

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polar dune wdym?

I meant fleshing the idea out, with the help of my aforementioned suggestions

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Like, the recommendations about the lines of you panicking

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But even then, I could still feel the emotions

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I also liked the last stanza

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Overall? 6.5/10

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Other recommendations:

-Sticking to a strict rhyme scheme, or don't rhyme at all
-Dictating lines and making sure they are around the same syllable count, so they don't sound too long

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With a little bit of revision, this could be an 8.5/10 in my books

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Do ping me if you've revised this poem, since I liked the topic and message

polar dune May 23, 2024, 11:56 AM

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yeah fsfs

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thank you

strong zealot May 23, 2024, 11:57 AM

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polar dune thank you

No problem, I enjoyed reading your poem, actually

#Twisted Looking Glass [2]