<@&1144090752457113794> <@&1145760802666717234>
#I need instant help.
dark pike
Ok I would rate this an 8/10
I would've gone higher, but then I thought it might not be staying true to reality LOL
So there are a few suggestions I have. The biggest one, however, would be in the line "The never-ending headache, like burdens of weight" (second stanza of the third image). This isn't a super big deal (and I'm struggling as it is to find real problems with this piece, because all in all, it's super good. But anyway, "burdens of weight" is kind of redundant because burdens imply weight, so if you're able to reword it a bit, that might improve what's alr p good, if only slightly LOL
Also, I'm curious to know about why you chose a butterfly and not a bird in the last lines of the first image.
willow rune
Ok I would rate this an 8/10
I would've gone higher, but then I thought it mig...
thanks for the feedback! The reason why I chose a butterfly is because my best friend, shes doing hers about "self doubt" she did something about birds born in a cage and how she relates to that so i felt like being a good friend and yk. Thanks though!! What do you suggest I do instead of "burdens of weight"
its fine don't worry, im 14 lol
its a slam poetry competition
either way, what are ways you think i can improve? 😁
dark pike
thanks for the feedback! The reason why I chose a butterfly is because my best f...
ohhh yeah that's nice. I would say birds are overused anyway, but connotation in poetry is EXTREMELY important because every single word already matters a hundred times more than they would in like an essay.
Anyway, instead of burdens of weight, which kind of seems like you're saying the burdens are made of weight (when that's what burdens are LOL), I would kind of tweak it a bit to clarify how much weight there is. That way, you can still keep most of it, but you also don't have a rookie definition mistake.
willow rune
ohhh yeah that's nice. I would say birds are overused anyway, but connotation in...
Alright, thanks!!
dark pike
Yeah, that would've been my second suggestion as far as the overall piece.
willow rune
Ooh, also do you think i should add any other line - if so what topic should i?
dark pike
Yeah, that would've been my second suggestion as far as the overall piece.
To make poetry stand out, I've learned that for my style, anyway, some very effective tools are breaking away from the format of the rest of the poetry. Then you have to make sure that those lines that don't conform really count and actually add to the meaning to make it deeper.
Another effective way to stand out is to use shocking imagery or unexpected twists. I write a lot of poetry about very serious topics, but I like to paint these topics in an unexpectedly positive light because it catches attention and makes it memorable.
dark pike
Ooh, also do you think i should add any other line - if so what topic should i?
This is something that I think poets shouldn't do just for the sake of doing. You have to trust your initial instict with how much to include, and make sure that each line is very intentional. Otherwise, it just becomes a jumble of synonymous phrases.
If you come up with lines that you think would be very important, then totally add them. But befor eyou do, carefully consider how much they actually add to the meaning.
willow rune
To make poetry stand out, I've learned that for my style, anyway, some very effe...
thats smart, what kind of imagery could i use in this context though
random latchBOT
narrow ferryBOT
Thats some really good rhyme
Wonderful! @willow rune has just pregressed to level 1!
dark pike
thats smart, what kind of imagery could i use in this context though
that's what's so amazing about writing, is that you make all the rules. If you're feeling unsure and want some examples, you can check out my poem #1237640880979181589 , and if you're ok with (TW) ||implied self harm|| , then looking at #1237931621022175242 might be even better, because I use the techniques I just told you about.
But when it comes down to it, you have to find methods that work with your style. That's part of growing in your writing.
willow rune
Okay let me do that right now
willow rune
that's what's so amazing about writing, is that *you* make all the rules. If you...
I love the red and white one, its so good
dark pike
Correct, sometimes you can come across as robotic if you have a long poem and every line rhymes perfectly. Thus, like angel said, use words that make the same sounds instead of words that just simply rhyme.
willow rune
Oooh
dark pike
That will also help capture attention
willow rune
Alright alright
dark pike
Who wrote this?
willow rune
my best friend shes an amazing poet
ill delete it in a second though
because i dont want anyone copyin it
dark pike
So here's what I want you to know. It's ok to compare poetry when you want to focus on rhythm and structure. However, when it comes to style, trying to copy someone else is (in my opinion) a bad idea. So comparing your poem to this one is irrelevant, because it has a different style.
willow rune
no i dont want to copy hers at all, hers is also in the topic of like teenage problems but i like the way she incorporates metaphors and stuff
dark pike
You also incorporate a lot of metaphors, and I think it would be worthwhile for you to kind of stick with it. Instead of going for quantity, go for quality. Develop one of your metaphors--extend it.
dark pike
You also incorporate a lot of metaphors, and I think it would be worthwhile for ...
Like the metaphor you used of clipping wings is a very good one, but then you abandon it.
dark pike
Good luck and dm me if you need more help (and tell me how it goes) :3
fierce nymph
I'd love to
Collab peeps?
neat night
I'd love to
I wanna inform you that we have a separate channel for that.
So you might wanna keep collaboration and relevant things there only
neat night
Sir*
fierce nymph
Ah collab? Sure