#Always on my mind:

25 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

final axle
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I ache to rejoice in your embrace;
For you to wrap your loving arms
Around my broken heart and…
Put it to rest in a sea of pacifying warmth;

To be lulled by your soothing breath
Upon my searing skin;
And to find solace in your overflowing hair -
A cocoa jungle torn from the heavens.

Squeezed by your Celtic knot,
My heart roars with agony!
Yet life pulls us apart.

Heated and inflamed am I - yearning for you.

Do you even feel for me?
Does your brain burn -
Does you heart howl with love for me?
Perhaps I am the only one
Tugging on the rose petals -
Burdening my mind with the
Tormenting image of you.

Torrential sweat is flowing down my skin-
Crumpled with stress yet juvenile and light…
Upheld by you.

Thine ever-alluring face never changes -
Except for its beauty - blooming forevermore.
Take my finger into your tender hand and
Point it towards thine flaws…
And I will see nothing but
The preeminence that lies beyond.

As though my heart is
Pumping blood towards you,
Chilling goosebumps fester
Upon my molten back.

The sweat is cooling… and I am freezing.
And the passion wears away -
As icicles instead embrace me -
Only to be replaced with mournful lamentation
For the wasted hopes and chances
I had to win your heart - already passed.

O, the regret…

PS: this is still to be improved, especially the stanza lengths and more.

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@winged rock

winged rock
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oh i love this

final axle
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Thank you

winged rock
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it’s a super emotional and raw piece, and it seems to tell a story in its own right
it seems to start with falling in love, and the innocent bliss that comes with that
i especially love “take my finger into your tender hand and point it towards thine flaws, and i will see nothing but the preeminence that lies beyond”
it’s a super powerful segment and honestly it speaks out to the reader
truthfully the whole thing does but this line especially

your use of figurative language and imagery also really strikes a cord, making this piece feel as emotional as it is graphic. in a way, it’s almost like you’ve painted a picture, but something emotional— like an abstract painting of words

truthfully i think the length is fine, a poem doesn’t have to be long to be complete, though if it’s something you could expand without ruining quality i’d love to see it
i suppose at least for me personally when i try to add onto things outside of the time i originally composed them, i tend to lose theme or quality because the emotions that inspired it have faded out into something less powerful or sometimes disappeared altogether

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i also just realized i never finished my thought on they first paragraph whoops LOL
im still kind of waking upAwkwardHeh

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okay take two

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it seems to start with falling in love which i stated, but it seems to end either on a breakup or unrequited love which i think is a powerful transition
to me it seems more like unrequited love, especially considering the title, but i think the abstract nature of this one allows it to go both ways depending on the perspective of the reader

final axle
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Thank you for the feedback really. Also about the stanza length I meant: should I drag the “and onto the next line” or “should I split the stanza in two” something like that

gilded quiverBOT
winged rock
final axle
winged rock
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honestly if you do make any major refinements and decide to post them, could you ping me again? im kind of curious to see the progress on this one i resonate with the topic so personally

winged rock
final axle
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Thanks

winged rock
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that was a bit beyond my brain to pick up but i can SO see it now

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it’s not something people address super often i love that

final axle
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Thanks

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Have a good day

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Oh and also, in the first part he s reminiscing about a past experience with the one he loves. Although she didn’t know about his feelings. He wishes it had never ended. Then his mind is flooded with questions: he is paranoid, thinking the love is unrequited, believing in the worst. But the tragedy behind this poem is that he’ll never get to know the answers anyway. Since it’s forbidden love. He looks back on all the “wasted hopes and chances” he had to ask her. And is regretful. Tragic.

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And the last thing is: I hope you noticed the metaphor about the sweat in this poem. It s predominant but kind of subtle. Starts with “heated and inflamed”, then “torrential sweat is flowing down my skin”, then: “chilling goosebumps fester upon my molten back”. At this point, the metaphor takes over. Since it continues into the last stanzas. The sweat cooling suggests that the anger and frustration of the persona ended. It’s replaced by depression and regret. Although this extended metaphor, if that s what it is, was kind of a subtle part of the poem, it becomes more evident in the last few stanzas. It’s like a darkness catching up with the persona and taking over in the end “as icicles” embraced him. @winged rock

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Sorry for the ping, just thought a bit more explanation would be appreciated.

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Have a great day.

winged rock
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no i don’t mind the ping at all^^
but yeah i noticed that one. the way it builds on itself is really neat
but its done in a subtle and fluid way that it doesn’t feel like this sudden thing just thrown in there, despite the depth it builds upon, which is a cool thing to see