Forgettable

[verbal jetty]

forgettable:
is this who i have become?
neither loved,
nor hated.
neither valuable,
nor worthless.

i am the figure in the background,
the smile they remember seeing
and a face they’ve never known.
i am the figure in the background,
the voice they remember hearing,
and a name they’ll never recall.

i am “that one girl,”
i am “the clever brunette.”
that is, until i am nothing at all.

and then i am gone.
they see not my eyes,
they know not my face,
and they hear not my voice.

i fade into the shadows,
for i am the figure in the background.
i am forgettable.

and you?
oh, you, my love,
you are as memorable as every sunrise;
as spectacular as every sunset.
you are as wise as every tree,
and as sure as every rock.
you, my love,
are truly memorable.

constructive criticism and analyses welcome~ this one is more straightforward but im curious to see how people take it

[sullen scroll]

Beautifully written poem! Lovely use of vocabulary and a nice flow with words, very cohesive. Keep up the good work

[lapis flicker]

do you read poetry?

[verbal jetty]

outside this server, not as much as i’d like
but besides searching “poems” or like “famous poems” on google i honestly don’t have much of a resource to

[lapis flicker]

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/

ur progress stagnates cause you don't read enough poems

read abt

Poetic Rhythm
and
Meter.

this is where ur journey truly begins

[verbal jetty]

ooh okay thank you! i’ll take a look at that
being self taught definitely doesn’t help my case in this instance

[lapis flicker]

Good Luck, keep pushing through the uncomfortability.

[verbal jetty]

@cinder hare

this one isn’t super old but it’s gone quiet and i don’t think you’ve seen it yet~

[cinder hare]

thanks for the tag! i'll be back once i get stargazing's review done!

[verbal jetty]

alright sounds good! im curious to hear what you think
i didn’t get a whole lot of feedback on this one upon release

[cinder hare]

vocab: simple, direct, grammatically makes sense. i feel like some words can be switched out for some phrases even more specific ("spectacular", memorable as every sunrise", etc) but as it stands it's good enough. structure: logical stanza splits, logical line spits, well done! metaphor/simile/imagery: the imagery could have more oomph, especially when delivering on the sunrises, sunsets, trees, and rocks to really show the readers how they are genuinely memorable. simile usages are okay, i don't think i saw a lot if any metaphors. typography: fairly standard, serves the poem. flow: nice to speak out loud! 10 out of 10 would recommend. overall, my favorite is the second stanza, where you've really layered on the blurriness of the narrator even to themselves, and the last stanza also came as an emotional punch where you really juxtaposed the "you" and the narrator, and showed the true depth of (dare i say) love the narrator feels for "you". very nice. thank you for writing and sharing this poem, as always!

[verbal jetty]

all good insight as always
i appreciate the second opinion
the only thing i will say though is the specific reason i chose “memorable” in that instance was because i wanted something to contradict the “forgettable” nature of the narrator
i did actually end up making a couple edits to this one after i released it, and i do like that version a little better, but i don’t think there was actually any big change in the things you commented on
though i could send the updated version too if you’re curious

[cinder hare]

yes please! do it through dms or here, however you'd like!

[verbal jetty]

alright bet! give me a second to copy paste

i have it saved

[verbal jetty]

here you go~ updated vers.

forgettable:
is this who i have become?
neither loved,
nor hated.
neither valuable,
nor worthless.

i am the figure in the background,
the smile they remember seeing
and a face they’ve never known.
i am the figure in the background,
the voice they remember hearing,
and a name they’ll never recall.

i am “that one girl,”
i am “the clever brunette.”
that is, until i am nothing at all.

and then i am gone.
they see not my eyes,
they know not my face,
and they hear not my voice.

i fade into the shadows,
for i am the figure in the background.
i am forgettable.

and you?
oh, you, my love,
you are as memorable as every sunrise;
as spectacular as every sunset.
you are as wise as every tree,
and as sure as every rock.
you, my love,
are truly unforgettable.

[cinder hare]

honestly the last line hit a lot better with that change!

[verbal jetty]

when i was writing it the first time i hadn’t noticed the repetition of “memorable” there and i felt like it kind of took away from its meaning