#Homecoming

76 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

surreal fulcrum
#

I was walking on the road
With my bare feet
The wind was too cold
And I could only find a place to weep

Crying for the mistakes I made
I lost everyone who cared
Did I deserve it?
Rock bottom is what I hit

I was the one who left them
What if I go back and tell them I was insane?
Will I be too bold?
It doesn't matter anymore.
After all, I lost my home.

I'll beg, I'll cry -
I'll make them feel I'm sorry
Tell them how badly I missed them
I love them
The past was immaturity

They have loved me, they really have
I never realized I always had their back
Now it's my turn, to go back to the heaven
They made for me.
Mom, it's my homecoming.

crisp patio
#

@surreal fulcrum 5 @ at a time is the limit

surreal fulcrum
#

@upper bridge @fading mason @red plinth @valid path

crisp patio
surreal fulcrum
dusky badgeBOT
surreal fulcrum
#

@wary path @vagrant owl

#

@honest basin @idle barn

surreal fulcrum
#

@modern robin

modern robin
#

wow this is nice I really like how you were consistent with the rhyme scheme except for that last line and I love how the "I love them" and the last line are spaced. I didn't expect it to have an ending this wholesome just from reading the first few stanzas so it was a very pleasant to get to that final stanza especially the last three lines

surreal fulcrum
surreal fulcrum
#

@steady seal

#

@misty glacier

misty glacier
#

Perfectly poem and perfect ending. Last stanza hits different. Keep up the good work

surreal fulcrum
surreal fulcrum
#

@red plinth

red plinth
surreal fulcrum
#

@upper bridge

surreal fulcrum
#

@royal igloo

#

@inner cipher

idle barn
# surreal fulcrum I was walking on the road With my bare feet The wind was too cold And I could on...

wow this was a bit to unpack lol your poem really grasps the raw emotions of regret , longing and the desire for forgiveness. The imagery of walking barefoot on a cold road really emphasizes vulnerability and loneliness, while the repetition of "I'll beg, i'll cry" underscores the desperation to mend things with those who were lost. The theme of redemption and yearning for homecoming is really powerful and somewhat relatable. Its a very touching piece overall and i really liked it! keep at it!

dusky badgeBOT
surreal fulcrum
#

@dense gull

surreal fulcrum
dense gull
surreal fulcrum
dense gull
surreal fulcrum
#

@dense gull

#

@stable basalt

dense gull
#

Wow

dense gull
#

Story about regret and love

#

Very unique

surreal fulcrum
dense gull
surreal fulcrum
stable basalt
#

"The past was immaturity" DAMN that was fire.

surreal fulcrum
stable basalt
#

That line spoke a lot of facts in jst 4 words, lowkey I like it

surreal fulcrum
#

@spice nimbus

spice nimbus
#

Beautiful poem about one reminiscing their past mistakes and becoming mature!! Very well put ❤️

valid path
# surreal fulcrum I was walking on the road With my bare feet The wind was too cold And I could on...

Sorry for the late reviews, Saylor! Hope you didn’t mind. I feel like the lines have been stretched a little too much and it breaks the flow. Also a lot of grammar mistakes, like “the rock bottom is what I hit” here “the” isn’t needed as it isn’t an object. Not in the right state of mind to nitpick, but there’s a lot of places which ick me off because of the grammar, work on your vocabulary and grammar. I’ll give you an in depth grammatical proofread later if you’d like. The last stanza I can see you put in the most effort, but you sacrificed format and flow for the story. Balancing it comes with experience. Its a potential 8/10, but a 5.5/10 for now. Feel free to correct me if i’m wrong.

surreal fulcrum
surreal fulcrum
valid path
surreal fulcrum
#

@heady sinew

heady sinew
#

This poem has a lot of good things about it! Rhyme scheme helps not only with rhythm but puts enunciation on the right words - really highlighting the pain this character is feeling. It tells a clear story, of regret, and almost subverts expectations with the heartwarming ending. The progression of rhetorical questions structurally is something I also find interesting. This character progresses from self victimisation to looking outwards - for opportunities to change - before returning back to their anxieties "will I be too bold?" and it's nice to see the non-linear thinking people experience universally when looking back at past, regretful events.

I think, also, building on what's been said about the grammar, some things can be omitted for a more direct effect. But rather than a subtract approach - I think making use of potential caesura's (.) or hyphens (-) here would be amazing

For example:

'll beg, I'll cry-
I'll make them feel I'm sorry.
~~And ~~Tell them how badly I missed them (either - or .)
I love them.
~~The ~~ Our past was immaturity' (Or you could change immaturity to immature, does mess up rhythm though hehs)

I'm not too concerned over grammar related things, because once you know how to use them, you can break them all you want. It's a lovely poem, and the message you're trying to deliver does land, but it's minor changes that make it even stronger!

surreal fulcrum
dusky badgeBOT
honest basin
#

This is so sweet and cute

#

Great job!!

surreal fulcrum
steady seal
surreal fulcrum
surreal fulcrum
#

@regal steppe

regal steppe
surreal fulcrum
surreal fulcrum
#

@night summit

surreal fulcrum
#

@prime cove

surreal fulcrum
#

@uncut cairn

uncut cairn
surreal fulcrum
prime cove
#

wish i had a moment like this in my life

#

sad to say those who hurt me actually hurt me and i had to forge a new place to call home entirely

surreal fulcrum
#

@iron venture

iron venture
surreal fulcrum
#

@torn bloom

torn bloom
#

SKIBIDI SIGMA

#

FHREUILGHEJRNHK

#

I LOVE THIS

#

"mom, it's my homecoming"

#

THAT LINE OS SO POWERFUL???

#

SAYLOR I LOVE THIS HFURKWHHGTRJE

surreal fulcrum
#

@crystal nebula