#Live A Day By: Rainsun

85 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

urban otter
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For all the sorrow that leaks of days
The mundane that sinks my heart
The time has passed, but only few
So start is now, for something new

To look up in the sky
To feel the water flow
To smell the sent of blooms
To see what they have shown

To hear the sound of rain
Or meet someone again
To be is simple as
The worrying for less

So live again, cause now is here
The death we face, is always near

And even tho, tomorrows there
To live is still be worth the glare

And all that is around
Will always find a way
To show you what to do
So live another day

And live a day again
Until the time is gone
Because we do not last
So make each day your own

river helm
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Hello!

Mind if I drop my views on this poem?

urban otter
river helm
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Okay, for starters.

I love how this poem came to be. ( your friends are great for that )

For the poem itself? I like it, but there's things I'd tweak, too.
I'll go by the positives.

  1. The simplicity of the poem
    It's very ( for a lack of a better term ) innocent in its usage.
    For the movie being quite dark by its ending acts. This juxtaposes it all.

  2. Lovely lines
    For example : "To hear the sound of rain - Or meet someone again"
    "To live is still be worth the glare" and "Because we do not last"
    Are all such pleasant sweets for my eyes.

  3. The intro and outro
    They grab me and release me softly.
    Sorrow that leaks for days and making each day our own.
    Are good messages to highlight.

Now, tweaks that I'd recommend you keep in mind. ( for future poems )

  1. It's simplicity is also its own enemy.
    This poem for me at least, feels all too simple.
    It does get ( lack of softer terms ) boring at times.
    So, I'd suggest you find a way to express it creatively.

  2. Some lines are repetitive
    Stanza four is an example, I do see you try using life and death.
    But it does feel quite repetitive to read again.
    I'd would direct you to try other methods of doing so.

  3. Be more creative!
    This one could be limited to your vocabulary and imagination.
    You can also give more extensive metaphors a shot.
    That could help give this poem more depth and colour.

As of where it stands now?
I like this poem, but I'd love to see what else you can do!
Keep writing, Sunny! blanketpotat

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There's a lot of poets you can take a look at here for the themes you wrote here.

@vast forum ( for his themes )
@patent briar ( for his creativity in works and stories )
@alpine vine ( his vocabulary is astonishing )
and a lot of other poets existing here.

( these are my closest writers in this server, they're all incredible and stylistically unique )

urban otter
# river helm Okay, for starters. I love how this poem came to be. ( your friends are great f...

thank you for the advice! It is very helfull ans sei g the positives and negatives of my poems really helped me undertand it more. Sinse the theme even tho having great nuaces is quite simple live life to its fullest i wanted to do a simple poem. A nother thing i aimed for that i am not sure if i achvied but i liked it was making it sound poetical, as sometimes i have a hard time meking my poems seem more poetic and less like a text. It made me really happy seing the lines that you liked, as i found that they were also my favorite ones. I will definlity try to write more, it has been a while sinse i wrote because i have a hard time writing poems normaly, i generaly write only in times were i am feling really emotinal.

alpine vine
urban otter
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I Am slonreally happy you got the theme of the poeme and alot of its meanings, its very hard to strike a balance to make somthing poetuic but have people get the meaning fior me at least

river helm
patent briar
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I agree, @urban otter have I reviewed your stuff before? I feel like I have

urban otter
urban otter
river helm
urban otter
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I would also like a opinion if any of you could anwser me, are my poems to simplistique? ( ex this one) sometimes i am inseure that my wirting is to simple, i am felling better about the things im wirting everdy day but still, im not sure

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i am trying to strike for more poetical poems, because when i write with my emotions to strongly i sometimes feel i forget to use more poetical themes for example

patent briar
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I think I have but never mind that, this poem definitely is good as Poetica said. I feel like it misses a crucial thing I strive for, imagery. The theme your vocab is also pretty limited. Stanza 5 line one, it’s tomorrow, minor spelling error. Also you could try a mix of juxtaposition, rhyme scheme and free verse. You could incorporate the ABCB rhyme scheme for this type. And also, try out a one liner for the outro. It should be punchy and goes hard.

river helm
# urban otter I would also like a opinion if any of you could anwser me, are my poems to simpl...

Simplicity is nothing to be embarrassed at ( nor insecure about ), but I understand where you're coming from.
For the time being, your simplicity could be lighter in favour for more complex ways of saying.

Because like it or not, we've all seen the same things over and over.
I believe you're the same, too, so we're all here in search of something new to fantasise over.

I see poetry in the light of finding random stuff to see beautifully.
Like staring at a wall and noticing little unevenness in its paint and cracks forming.

You just need to focus on the topic deeper.

patent briar
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The thing is, in the pursuit of simplicity, you started a metaphorical definition and quit it midway. It leaves potholes in whatever you actually mean.

urban otter
river helm
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It's like a unique line that stands out.

urban otter
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ohh, thanks, i think i have used it before, it would look nice in this poem

deft viperBOT
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*ohh, thanks, i think i

have used it before, it would

look nice in this poem*

- arin_069
river helm
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You could definitely use more of it.

urban otter
river helm
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Give the readers something to take home and scream in excitement over.

patent briar
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I thought it would end with us,
It did indeed, end with us apart.

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It necessarily doesn’t have to be in a single line

river helm
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I'll use mine as well.

Because words are meant to be;
This human being isn’t one of them.

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It sticks out like a white dot in total darkness.

patent briar
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It is basically a line which sums up the whole poem

river helm
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The more you write, the more naturally it comes.

patent briar
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Agreed

urban otter
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uhummmmm, yeah, that is a good way to end a poem. Also loved your one liners, they bring emotions and ideas with so litle words

obsidian ironBOT
patent briar
urban otter
river helm
deft viperBOT
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*I understand that

stress. But it's worth it once you

actually get it.*

- poetics292_.
patent briar
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More you read works similar to yours (which I definitely do not do), and improving your vocab will get you sure success

alpine vine
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'Because we do not last
So make each day your own'
I'm an idiot because I don't do this in my poems either but you should've made it a bit more connecting and dramatic for my subjective liking. It would've definitely made the poem 9.5/10 But for now 8/10. Good job bro.

river helm
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Ah yes

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Now the trio is in this.

patent briar
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“The Big 3”

urban otter
river helm
urban otter
patent briar
alpine vine
river helm
alpine vine
river helm
patent briar
urban otter
patent briar
urban otter
alpine vine
river helm
urban otter
river helm
alpine vine
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*ads be rolling in

patent briar
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What should I suggest…

alpine vine
alpine vine
patent briar
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Guys you chose a poem of mine

river helm
alpine vine
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@urban otter Just read @patent briar this dude's bio. That is enough. His works are too good to be handled even for us two.

river helm
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This is great.

patent briar
alpine vine
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@urban otter Make sure to drink the special tea tho.

river helm
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But, that'd be all from me, Sunny.
Keep writing and we'll see you at the top.

urban otter
patent briar
alpine vine
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hhaha

alpine vine
urban otter
river helm
alpine vine
patent briar
urban otter
alpine vine
deft viperBOT
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*I got bored in the

few latest chapters of the

manga ngl.*

- some_random_person
patent briar