#So Close Yet, So Far Away!

48 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

wispy orbit
quaint abyss
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Ah so close yet so far

wispy orbit
quaint abyss
wispy orbit
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Okie

quaint abyss
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I love this poem so much

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I thought of line lmao

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I thought it would end with us,
It did indeed, end with us apart.

wispy orbit
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Damn good

quaint abyss
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Fr

wispy orbit
wispy orbit
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@livid warren

livid warren
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His blazing passion
Perforated each inch of my soul
🔥

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Is there an artistic reason it's centered? or just because?

wispy orbit
livid warren
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Her wintry love froze my heart,
Whereas, his flames of care,
Burned me into ashes;

Incandescently optimist was he?
Yet, he was a loner at heart,
By losing a part;

Her eloquent flow of rhythmic time,
May it be that I pine,
I pine for her love,
For her arctic touch.
Yet, I feel so warm;

His blazing passion,
Perforated each inch of my soul,
And buried me with pride;

Was she a symbol of the dark,
Symbol of threat, and dread?
Yet, why did her eternal love
Made my scorched tears wet?

Was he born to light,
Emit white, provide strength?
Yet, why his fire of purity
Contaminated my blood?

He curtly asked, "Did I push thee so far
That I lost the place I belonged to?"
Gently she replied,
"No, instead thou held yourself too far
Out of my reach."

Did their kiss intertwine their souls?
Or did the alchemy play to push them afar?

And I reply,
Her eternal immortality,
Made her crave his love
Whereas,
His dry heart died each time,
Just to be revived by her touch,
And pour out love;

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Just a transcription

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makes it easier

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I like that "Whereas" is at the beginning and the end, it's kinda chiasmic

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Yet, why his fire of purity
Contaminated my blood?
Yet doesn't really make sense grammatically here

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Yet, why did her eternal love
Made my scorched tears wet?
Made should be make here

livid warren
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Incandescently optimist was he?
The word order is a little wonky here, seems like you're trying too hard... Also, would you explain what you mean by Incandescently optimist? I really like it and would love some lore lol

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Was he born to light,
Emit white, provide strength?
Not sure what this means

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Overall, I really like this poem

hybrid flax
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This line-

Buried me with pride

you can make it more clearer if you specify what you buried like

And buried me beneath his pride

livid warren
hybrid flax
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its got a better meaning tbh and is easily understandable

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way smoother

livid warren
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yeah

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Was he born to light,
Emit white, provide strength?
I think a quick fix would be changing it to
Was he born to bring light,
To emit white, to provide strength?

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Makes it a lot clearer

white troutBOT
hybrid flax
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yup

livid warren
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I really like the images, but they're also unclear at times... I think it would be a lot better if you made them more visceral, not in a gory sense, but in a description sense

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Like... I can imagine them, but there's a lot of personal interpretation I have to make, which is fine, but I don't think that was the goal in this specific poem.

hybrid flax
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also what do you feel about this one

Did their kiss intertwine their souls?
Or did the alchemy play to push them afar?

from what i think the ? is a unnecessary after souls and rephrasing it as this seems much more correct

Did their kiss intertwine their souls,
Or did the alchemy play to push them afar?

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The juxta pretty nice, the wintry love and fiery passion.
so beautiful and wonderfully creates a vivid imagery of the ways love can affect us

livid warren
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I think it could go either way, that's more stylistic than an actual mistake... If I were writing this poem, I would personally keep the ? for consistency sake and because it's a way for the poem to stand out in the crowd

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Gives the poem some character

hybrid flax
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right

livid warren
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If it were written as prose, then it would definitely be just a mistake lol

wispy orbit
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Thank you so much for all the corrections, there's always room for improvement I believe. I'm so grateful, having you both read my poem. And provide intricate corrections. I will try to correct everything. @hybrid flax @livid warren I'm sincerely grateful.

hybrid flax
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smh

livid warren
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If you want to put me on your smokestack list, you're welcome to!