d-day

[turbid stone]

ethereal reverence, dotted with a heart on my i's:
crumble like sand, veneration takes over,
as my heart pulsates faster every time i see your name in my notifications,
as my eyelashes flutter when i see you for the first time,
the feelings of uncertainty and worry fade with you,
the feelings like anxiety flush like water,
partial only for you, the weight of deification melts my wax wings,
eyes spinning like revolving doors, pleading to catch you,
i feel safe and content to be around you all the time,
dieses gefühle ist “echter komfort”,
mein ganz eigenes hübsches mädchen,
es endet mit uns, schatz <3

@plucky junco

also any constructive criticism wanted :) please dont hold back

i would really like to improve my writing

@tranquil kiln didnt write it for the daily prompt but i think it still fits lol

[tranquil kiln]

It actually does somewhat, it’s okay I guess. As for the actual poem, each line is stretched out too much, you can try dividing it into 2 or if not 3 different verses. Btw is the last part german? It seemed interesting, what does it mean? The vocabulary used is nice, and the metaphor i’m liking too.

[turbid stone]

yeah generally i just suck with formatting and like verse structure i guess?

[tranquil kiln]

Oh okay

[turbid stone]

it is german, it says
“these feelings are ‘pure comfort’,
my very sweet prettygirl,
it ends with us, darling <3”

[tranquil kiln]

It isn’t the hardest you could work on

[tranquil kiln]

It ends with us so cute

[turbid stone]

yeah luckily its not too hard of a fix

[turbid stone]

thats the name of a romance book she recommended me when we met

when you say each line is stretched out too long you mean just that or that it doesn’t format correctly on mobile?

[tranquil kiln]

Thats soo romantic lmao

[tranquil kiln]

Like readability, it doesn’t actually matter if you’re on pc or not.

Missing the flow

[turbid stone]

hm, i mean its definitely not my best

but honestly i am in not in the state atm to fix it

not sober at all

[tranquil kiln]

Okay, i’d like to read it

[turbid stone]

but i will fix it later today likely

gotta show it her on our date today

[tranquil kiln]

Nice

[plucky junco]

i'm very intrigued by what or who crumbled like sand in the second line. there are some abstract concepts that would've benefitted from some grounded descriptions to pull the reader in further (for example 'etheral reverence'-- what made it ethereal? and the line underneath that speaks of veneration-- how do you show worship?) i liked the icarus reference, but again more descriptions would have grounded the readers and gave the reference a more significant weight. i liked the line 'eyes spinning like revolving doors', because it is a refreshing comparison and caught me off guard and captured my imagination-- more descriptions like that would've been fantastic. the last few lines in german is a nice touch. anyways, cool poem! thanks for writing and sharing this piece with us!