#Torvald

5 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

lethal umbra
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My sweet little bird
Must sing no false notes.
Because just as I am yours,
You are mine.

Do not mistake what that means;
For I am still in command.
Command of a household
That is none but my own.

You desire sweets to cure your hunger
But have, you shall not.
As an unfaithful bird
Is one that is cast aside.

Even as you try to break free
I still love you
And hope you feel the same.
Our marriage, so full of love-

What about the kids!
What about me?
A door is one that leads to a new life;
And you step through with no reservations.

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lethal umbra
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For context this is based on a play called A Doll’s House which is about a woman who becomes disillusioned in her role as a housewife and what's she's been doing with her life. The poem is through the pov of her husband Torvald.

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umbral atlas
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Okay, so got an anecdote here. I think it is really neat you chose this theme and sourcematerial, because during my second to last semester getting my BFA, I actually studied this exact play in college.

I think this is again a case where you have a really potent and strong idea, and really captures the inherent misogyny of Torvald. I think you capture that well. I think now that you have the basic form in, that it is time to do what I suggested with your other one and look at more wordplay.

Your first stanza actually does this. Note how often you play with "s" sounds in that first stanza, and it really comes together on the basis of those phonemes. It does have some wordbloat on occasions that could also be helped with contractionization. For instance, "Because just as I am yours" should just be shortened to "Just as I'm yours." It flows better in length with the succeeding line.

Again, you have a really potent idea, and I really want to see you keep going with this and revising. Good job @lethal umbra

last fjord