When Everything Gets In The Way
The sheer amount of tears roll on my face
The thought of the disappearance of a shining star
Withstanding its lifespan in the dreadful dark space
Leaving only the speaking of the elders, far
The clutch of my fist fights through my palm
Bleeding when the ongoing tyranny continues
Frail with the issued, the upcoming bomb
Leaving many passed with destruction, violet hues
The shakiness of my body passes from my mouth, tremble
The eventful life of a sole mother of six
Saying that the hardships will demonstrate with love
Leaving the children with lessons which tricks
Only up to the one with the burning soul of above
The lives of the dearly beloved
The pastimes of the endangered
The current age of the dreadfulness chants
Do we truly need a realization?
Isn’t the words that are spoken specialize in such times?
The times of the lifespan inner crosses
In people we trust with ourselves
There stood the stars leaving the path to inner connected
The tyranny continues, leaving word for the dearly braved
The children of the mother leave a flower on the stone, reflected
This corresponds, leaving many puzzled yet seen
Up to interpretation, for the artist cannot be tempted with revealing
Hidden with the idea quietly seen only by some
Feeling with the healing of the utmost dealing
Dealing with the future of the universe, across the motherland. Become
The one with the strength and understanding
That can be described by all, by the united continents of this beauty
Forth comes understanding
My sincerity, the rest of the melodies collide
I am but only starting the road to the rather confusing conflicts
The obstacles, collision will not be tolerated
The withstanding of the words coming from afar
Everything will abide…with time
For now, the start of the pen lets out a faint signature
Along with the grain of the papers, when will the troubles ensue?
When everything gets in the way
#wrote this poem about 2 weeks ago. would love some advice and criticism, please
ivory tulip
late swallow
When Everything Gets In The Way
The sheer amount of tears roll on my face
The t...
Amazing! It’s just lovely. The story telling is immaculate. And the words used are so good. 9/10 I would say, I feel you stretched a few single lines a bit too much. It’s like reading an actual story rather than a poem. Nevertheless, epic work. If I were to write this, i’d be proud of it.
And the questioning in between, forcing us to realise I personally use a lot. Then I would suggest to use multiple stanzas, it would help to understand it better. Then use a few repetitions to make it catchy
For example. How could I? How could I my love. And last of all, in a story to make it more interesting, you should relate the main character to the reader for better perspective, for example, as the main character is the mother of 6 in vain, you could refer the people as “son” but it doesn’t appeal to a few people of kind. Overall these are my tips from my poetry and stories. Feel free to apply or even ignore any of these.
Personally, i wanna know where you got this idea, keep it up.
hoary cypressBOT
ivory tulip
Personally, i wanna know where you got this idea, keep it up.
hello! thank you so much for the criticism, i greatly appreciate it. yes, i agree that some of the single lines are a bit too much. before, i used to write short but that was mainly due to me writing long haikus. yes, i did write other types of poems but i mainly wrote long haikus. i am now just starting to experiment on these kinds of poems because i am kind of sick of writing long haikus. it can be fun and challenging but i have no idea how to incorporate rhythm and longevity to my haikus. maybe one day, though.
yeah, sorry the poem seems like a story rather than a poem. i want to shorten my poems but not in a way where it's dense and rather boring. still working on it. i just haven't been writing because i feel like my current work doesn't really make sense. i tried writing a poem a month ago but i just got lost in the 10th line. it read like gibberish and as if i was trying to speak intellectual. i am now trying to write again because i just lost a friend of mine a few days ago and one of the ways i cope is by writing poetry. i want to write a poem for him. i want to say that i love him a lot. i never got to say that before he passed. i know i shouldn't be mad at myself but i hope the poem i write about him can be seen as a message to love the people that are close to you.
yeah, i sometimes write these poems for myself. yeah, you can see it as if it was written for you but that's not my intention most of the time. i don't quite like telling people the meaning behind my poems. it's fine but i would prefer that people see it the way they do. what if it's important to them? what if it reminds them of something? i want that connection to be seen in their criticism on my poetry. also, i don't like ignoring criticism. it makes a person, in my opinion
and one more thing. i got this idea through a Harry Style's song. As It Was, specifically. just the lyric. i try to make a poem out of one lyric. hope that answers your question!