#Last Night

76 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

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Last night, in the embrace of balmy spring darkness,
A name echoed from across the dining table,
That name I knew, I thought to myself,
But I wish I did not – death had found its new host.

My mind began to race, my heart skipped a pound,
Fear and pain, misery and sorrow,
All apprehension to man known,
Nothing left, only woe.

A friend was lost, lovely and dear,
I would never see her fiery red hair once more,
Nor hear her contagious laugh of joy and youth,
Her soul was released, but mine broke.

Death, the greatest of beggars,
A glutton for sadness you always were,
Every day, you take one more,
Cousin, brother, or friend we adore.

Death, the least of choosers,
From the depths of Hades, you reach out your hand,
But whom you grab, you care not,
Oh, Death, why must it be a friend I love?

Here I am, the church bells ring,
Families weep, a sight no man enjoys to see,
In a coffin of ivory shade,
They gently carry her body to its eternal grave.

White roses are put into your tomb,
Your name etched in stone,
But your epitaph will never outlast,
The memories of you our hearts hold dear.

Azrael, if you must have her, guide her where she belongs,
May her soul of silver rest with the Lord,
On the other side of the Pearly Gates,
In deep slumber, forevermore.

frigid schooner
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I absolutely love this omg. ❤️ 👏🏻

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Thank you ❤️

marsh matrix
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Nice, i really liked it. Interesting description of Death as a beggar.

Also, is it skipped a pound or pond? First line second stanza

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Also, i'm sorry for your loss

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I chose to use the word beggar due to that infamous saying: "Beggars can't be choosers"

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I think it applies to death very well

deep steppe
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I love this too!

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Thanks 🙂

marsh matrix
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@zenith bane

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Last Night

olive quest
# tiny badge Last night, in the embrace of balmy spring darkness, A name echoed from across t...

I really like a lot of your imagery once again. My suggestions here are primarily concerning meter. The lines become very inconsistent with their meter, and this is mostly just due to a little over-wordiness in places. Meter is always important in poetry because it gives a natural cadence and tonality to the poem.

For instance, with your first line, "darkness" is a bit of an overused word just in general, but you could do a lot with that meter if instead you wrote: "springtide shade" Last night, in embrace of blamy springtide shade" (remove "the" as well). Continue:

"A name echoed across the dining table" (don't need from)

I think if you remove some of those smaller words and tighten up the longer lines a bit, it will flow really well and really make those images come in a concise and more potent manner.

Again though, this is a really good piece and your imagery is as always really great.

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I won't be changing this poem simply because it's the first poem I've ever written (outside of school years ago), and because I dedicated it to a lost friend

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It would feel a little wrong to alter it now

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But otherwise, you're right, I want too concerned with the meter here

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Thank you 🙂

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Your feedback is useful as always

olive quest
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For me, changing what has already been written a while ago isn't as important as learning how to improve in the future

zenith bane
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it got so profound meaning

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it highlights the enduring nature of memory and the impact a person has on those they leave behind

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wonderful

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the poem is incredibly evocative and emotionally resonant also the imagery is so vivid and lets not forget, use of words was amazing

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hats off man, solid 9/10

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This was the first poem I wrote

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I'm glad you liked it

tough tapir
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I audibly gasped—dude, this is an absolute masterpiece of a poem. Especially knowing this is the first poem you have written on your own? gobsmackedkitty2

Death, the greatest of beggars,
A glutton for sadness you always were,

THIS. I cannot express in words how absolutely creative this is—to compare death to a beggar is something so unique. The next line is just the cherry ontop.

I am sorry for your loss aswell, from this poem; she sounds truly like an fun, incredible friend.

So, so beautiful.

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This is what got me into poetry, I wanted to immortalise her memory

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I'm good at writing essays and letters, I always write birthday letters for my friends, for example...

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You can't write a letter for a dead person to read

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So I decided to write a poem about her, in honor of her memory

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It just felt right

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And thank you a lot! ❤️

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I compared death to a beggar because of the saying "Beggars can't be choosers"

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I thought it applied to death well, on a basic level...

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It always "asks" for more, but it doesn't choose whom it takes, it acts so unexpectedly

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It felt appropriate

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Thank you, again 🙂

tough tapir
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Dude, the fact that you got into poetry to immortalize her memory*

mystic surge
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This is beautifully sad 😭❤️

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true tangle
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my deepest condolences for your loss. this was a beautiful poem in honor of your friend, who sounded like a really cool person from the poem and from your comments. thank you for writing and sharing

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She truly was cool

calm timber
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This poem really hits home. The way it talks about the shock of losing someone dear and the confusion of grappling with their absence it's all too familiar. I've felt that same heaviness in my chest, that same longing to see a loved one again. And the way it speaks to the universal nature of death, how it doesn't discriminate it's a reality I've had to face too. It's comforting in a way, knowing that others have felt this too, that I'm not alone in these emotions.
I'm here for you
your really good at this! 🫶

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calm timber
heady ledge
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How come you found this?

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This was my first poem ever

eager vector
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grim gobletBOT
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*was just curious

on what ur first poem was

so i searched for it :>*

- kevionso
heady ledge
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so did haiku apparently

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faint orchid
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Wow... Just wow

buoyant cloak
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buoyant cloak
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i can smell the talent through the screen

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youre doing great man

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I really hope so, thank you <33

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You can also show me your works

buoyant cloak
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ofcc, ill tag you whenever i do end up posting