I saw Him

[molten rivet]

I was staring into the void
I found Him
My faith led me
All through the darkness

He is beautiful
He's got this creepy smile
His eyes, they burn eerily
He scares me

The world fades
The light goes out
He stares at me
He scares me

He is what I sought for long
I thanked him for all there is
No, this is not him
Perhaps, God is truly dead

[oblique sluice]

Wonderful! @molten rivet has just pregressed to level 2!

[copper shoal]

imma save

[copper shoal]

So I am here ^-^

I find your poem a little poor in language

I mean repetetion can be alright, but I think its not as good as it could be

You have bunch of "he" Repeated

But I found interesting the contrast lines in second stanza, I like it

I think I would recommend you to try to use a little more flowery language.

As for imagery, as I said the contrast was nice, but I think there can be more metephors, you see as a writer, you should not tell the reader, you should show it to them

So instead of
"He scares me"
His looks make my heart stutter.

Or

He make my throat anxious

Or

I find him as angel of death in my nightmares

You see, all these nice could somewhat describe, that you are scared

It depends on you, on context amd flow

As for structure, you are alright in terms of meter, I suppose you are new to poetry, so I won't torture you with stuff.

Hope its enough 😄

[molten rivet]

oh my thank you soo much for taking time out of your day and teaching me something new ^^
I really appreciate this!!

[molten rivet]

haha yea I'm pretty new to poetry, I always wrote it for myself, started a year or two ago but I was very irregular and now I've decided to get into poetry.

[molten rivet]

i really like this one, I can also use this to describe the feeling you get when your heart sinks, no? maybe unrelated to the actual thing but i guess?

[molten rivet]

yea your prolly right, any suggestions to improve on this? Like, how do I keep refering to the main base of my poem?

[copper shoal]

Yeah usually these metaphors can have for each person slightly different meaning.

So count with that

[copper shoal]

Thats okay everyone started somewhere. And its best when poetry does happiness for you.

[copper shoal]

Hmm

Well thats hard

But maybe sometimes you can skip the "He" part. And it will still make sense

[tender moss]

*But maybe sometimes

you can skip the "He" part. And

it will still make sense*

- maximumanxiety

[copper shoal]

For example:
He stares at me
He scares me
To
He stares at me
And scares me
Or
He stares at me,
Scares me.

[molten rivet]

Cool got it

Thankyou!!

[finite river]

Reading this after having gone through an heartbreak is just...

It's a great poem