Be my boon or your curse.

[torpid void]

Treading on thin ice
my feet char black with this scorching rage
This land will crack who knows when
and till then I'll stomp hard enough to let them know

To let them know
Of this ravaging turmoil in my head
and the ever-growing void in my heart
For I am to never consume what I provide

I cater them comfort
I give them assurance
but don't for a second think
I would avoid red-eyed vengeance

Red-eyed vengeance loves those who
break me up and forget to rebuild me
To warn those who slip me off of stairs
and don't show me the ladder to breathe.

@past wave @frank iris

@spare sierra @reef leaf

@lyric pollen @fiery moss

@worn matrix <-Dummy dum dum, read it and give a feedback u lil piece of-

[frank iris]

very good poem , a mix emotions with rage and sadness in this poem, love the imagery and word choice and i like the 1st stanza

[torpid void]

thank you!

[unreal cradle]

Bad

could have been much better

but the substance

it deserves much more

[torpid void]

hmm, okay

[unreal cradle]

https://discord.com/channels/944439929734312006/1224034743163814038

almost we are talking about same stuff

but I literally made 3 parts to describe it

idk if you will like it personally or not

[torpid void]

its good

but we arent talking bout the same stuffdude

[unreal cradle]

mhm maybe I realised the difference

but still we are enraged about lofe

that is what same

[torpid void]

besides i get it, i dont think its the best of my poems, i wrote it in like 5 minutes so

[unreal cradle]

I am not questioning your skills for you to bring that up

I made this poem in lime 20 mins

[torpid void]

understood

[unreal cradle]

you tread on thin ice

and then your feet char black?

you could have used

Treading on thin ice
my feet turn cold and blue
This snow will melt with my might
tell then I will walk with rage anew

[torpid void]

because of the rage thats burning within me

even if im walking on thin ice

[unreal cradle]

that I can see

[torpid void]

the rage within me is so strong that it starts to burn my feet blac

[unreal cradle]

but you could have made better metaphors
not that this is bad

but it could have been much better

[unreal cradle]

how about my rendition
meaning is a bit different, but conveys same substance

[granite kelp]

@torpid void wow great poem... very poignant and the subtleties of the language give it a piercing quality... also conveys alot of powerful emotion

[torpid void]

thank you

[granite kelp]

🙂

[torpid void]

well yeah, but the thing is the thin ice breaks then all my problems will unleash

[unreal cradle]

but it wont crack when you stomp hard?

[unreal cradle]

if the point was to keep the ice

[torpid void]

yeah, thats why im not caring bout it

[unreal cradle]

why stomping lmao

[torpid void]

im tryna convey that my rage is gonna unleash and aggravate problems

[unreal cradle]

if that is so
then my lines would also be valid

[torpid void]

its an effect, not a thing i desire

[unreal cradle]

yeah
that is why might wil also effect

[unreal cradle]

might is greatness

it is also valid

[torpid void]

right

[unreal cradle]

the following stanzas are not a problem

[torpid void]

ill take ur points into account

thank you

[unreal cradle]

people do not uphold their equal exchange properly

they take but do not give back

that I can relate and understand

[torpid void]

yeah

[unreal cradle]

second stanza no problem

3rd stanza could be artistic, but still conveys message well

[torpid void]

i mean i have been on thin ice for so l;ong, that now i have started to think well maybe i shouldnt care about it and let my rage out

hence my feet char black

[unreal cradle]

No

I get

what you wanna say

mine makes more sense, if rage can make feet char black

it will also affect snow,

the thing is

[torpid void]

thats why i dont care if the thin ice breaks

[unreal cradle]

metaphors should fit simply and logically

if metaphors dont abide logic, they stop being metaphors

[unreal cradle]

yeah
my rendition does not break this meaning

[torpid void]

u see it could also mean that this icy feeling could make my feet burn

cause the last stage of hypothermia

the person feels like they are burning up

[unreal cradle]

I wrote that

read my stanza again, but I conveyed same meaning with less words and more sound metaphors

[torpid void]

during the last stage of hypothermia, ur body feels like its burning up

right before u start to die

so

[unreal cradle]

Do you understand the meaning of Scorching?

[torpid void]

yes

[unreal cradle]

what is it

[torpid void]

like extremely hot

[unreal cradle]

yeah

[torpid void]

scorching heat

[unreal cradle]

and last stage of hypothermia will also numb your feet and turn them blue

[torpid void]

but the person feels super hot at the end

thts why many of the people who succumbed to hypothermia are seen without clothes

[unreal cradle]

but if you are in the last stage of hypothermia

[torpid void]

caus ethey think start to feel its too hot

[unreal cradle]

you cant walk

still does not make sense

[torpid void]

bro

[unreal cradle]

what

[unreal cradle]

if you are bringing last stage of hypothermia

[torpid void]

dont take it so logical man

[unreal cradle]

because your metaphors dont add up

[torpid void]

yeah meaning im on my wit's end

[unreal cradle]

that is my problem with first stanza

[unreal cradle]

You cannot use anything
no walking and nothing else, that is last stage of hypothermia

The problem is
you made it artistic and dramatic

I like it

but you also did not make sense there

which I am pointing out

[torpid void]

cool, ill take it

[unreal cradle]

2nd and 3rd stanzas are fine

the last one tho

it could use some better phrasing

thats it

[torpid void]

kay

thank you, ill take it into acc the next time i write a poem

[unreal cradle]

ah yes
people not treating the same way they treat you

such a comman feeling

people takes things so granted

[worn matrix]

Hypothermia semantics is such a non-issue with this poem, especially considering that the hypothermia is metaphorical to begin with.

[unreal cradle]

I like the substance very mich

[frank iris]

common *

[unreal cradle]

yeah
but metaphor cannot be non sensical

first she said her feet are hot because of rage

then she said its because of hypothermia

[unreal cradle]

Hypothermia is the wearout of the human body, due to profound intereaction with cold

cold here seems to talk about issues and problems

[unreal cradle]

Thank you bro

[torpid void]

mhm, but at the last stage, one starts to feel extremely hot, like theyir skin is burning up

[unreal cradle]

Yes they do feel it
There are literally burns caused by dry ice
but if you take that stage into account, you should make some sense
and then include a line of yourself not moving further

I would not have a problem wit that

as I said

The metaphors could be less confusing and more clear

this aint bad

it could be better, thats it

[torpid void]

but my rage is making me tread

[torpid void]

understood

[worn matrix]

The metaphor here, is hypothermia === rage. I do not think Krisia here means at all that their feet are literally char black from being angry, nor do I think their feet are literally char black from hypothermia.

The paradoxical undressing argument aside, I think the line highlights a contrast between the idea of walking along thin ice, and being fiery with rage. It's a fire & ice comparison and it works fine.

[unreal cradle]

read the stanza

you will get to know

[worn matrix]

I did.

Several times.

I think you just don't understand the metaphor.

[unreal cradle]

she literally said her feet are char black due to scorching rage

[unreal cradle]

@worn matrix

[worn matrix]

It is a figure of speech my guy.

Her feet are not actually char black.

[unreal cradle]

read her rendition

[unreal cradle]

She said its the rage in her

that is why I pointed out the problems

.

She asked for criticism
I gave her, I just want people to be more clear and improve
These issues I pointed out are present
its upto you if you wanna change it or not

[worn matrix]

The heat you feel at the end of hypothermia comes from within. There is not actually an external presence of heat. Thus, I feel she is equating this paradoxical warmth from coming within her, as her rage being the cause. Once again I see no issue.

[unreal cradle]

calling me dumb because of that is not great

[unreal cradle]

She literally said that it's her anger

[worn matrix]

It is a figure of speech.

[torpid void]

no one is

[unreal cradle]

NO she actually said it
that she meant it to depitct her anger

[severe fern]

*NO she actually

said it that she meant it to

depitct her anger*

- harsha3000bc

[worn matrix]

I can claim my soul is made of glass, but it is not literally made of glass.

[torpid void]

thats what

and it doesnt mean that if u hear her soul it will shatter

[unreal cradle]

That would be empirical claims and not metaphors

do not compare those 2

[torpid void]

because u cant put logics in stuff like these

[worn matrix]

How is me saying "My soul is made of glass", an empirical claim.

[severe fern]

*How is me saying

"My soul is made of glass", an

empirical claim.*

- Juniper

[unreal cradle]

Nah metaphors should make sense
so some logics are needed

[unreal cradle]

yeah

[worn matrix]

Thank you, Haiku bot.

[torpid void]

when ur in pure rage, there isnt much room for logics

[unreal cradle]

if you are describing your soul as a glass in poem
That aint empirical claiM

but if you are saying your actual soul is glass
it is empirical claim

but what I wanted to point out is

if you say that your soul is glass in poem
it should atleast follow the properties of glass

and if you say your soul can change in shape and size
then it would stop making sense

[torpid void]

i understand it shouldnt be super magical and unreal as well, but at the same time, u cant align everything with logics alone

[unreal cradle]

who said that? logics are universal

and when I say logics

I do not mean literal logics , but atleast with respect to metaphor

[torpid void]

again poetry is subject to the readers interpretation

[severe fern]

*again poetry

is subject to the readers

interpretation*

- krizia__

[torpid void]

thanks dude

[unreal cradle]

I am not trying to do everyhing

atleast metaphors should make sense

OK

lets finalise this

Is it your rage making the feet char black
or
the hypothermia of problems

My stanza does not give any such confusions

its simple and straightforward

[torpid void]

subject to interpretation

[unreal cradle]

no

[torpid void]

bro

[worn matrix]

Metaphors do not distinguish differently from empirical claims. A metaphor can be presented identically to an empirical claim in the poem. The presumption should be that it is a metaphor by the fact that it would not make any logical sense to be an empirical claim.

The whole point of metaphors is that you can connect them to a further point or idea. They don't intrinsically have to make material sense in the real world. A soul can't be glass, therefore, "my soul is glass" will never be an empirical claim.

[unreal cradle]

its objective to your intention

[torpid void]

poetry is subjective

[unreal cradle]

intention is not
I am talking about intention here

you did have an intention of what you were saying

[torpid void]

my intention meant that i could care less about whether this ice is gonna break or not, and this burning feeling is just a feeling, it aint real

this ice all of this aint real

I literally am not walkking on ice

breaking of ice over here means imma snap and everything is breaking into chaos here

[unreal cradle]

A metaphor is a figure of speech that describes an object or action in a way that isn't literally true, but helps explain an idea or make a comparison.

NO you are wrong
If you use metaphor to say someone is an angel, then you say the same person is cruel
its non sensical metaphor
and its looses its meaning in poems to convey substance

The who idea of metaphors is to describe things in other things, so you open a lot of possible opportunity to describe things
description i still bound by logics

[torpid void]

and my rage aint doing anything to help it

but i dontcare

[unreal cradle]

I know

mam

I said

your stanza aint bad

it could be better

[torpid void]

a cruel angel can exist

[unreal cradle]

if you clean this stuff up
and make it even logically sound

it would be better

[torpid void]

if the angel once who commited no sins now starts to think evil

[unreal cradle]

I am here to say how they could be better

[severe fern]

*if the angel once

who commited no sins now

starts to think evil*

- krizia__

[unreal cradle]

and not how they are bad

[torpid void]

even i aint saying that u are saying its bad bro

[unreal cradle]

thinking evil does not make you cruel doing makes

and if angel does bad things , it is not an angel
angel is by definition good

[unreal cradle]

It would be fallen angel, quite different from other stuff

[torpid void]

look, it feels like ur limiting the meanings here

[unreal cradle]

meaning are by defintion. limited

meanings are there for utility

you cant use things as you want

[unreal cradle]

you can break some meanings and in poems its allowed

but what i am saying is

you could have done better without breaking them

thats it

you get it?

[worn matrix]

This is a false equivalency. With calling someone an angel and then calling them cruel, you are comparing an identical person. In Krisia poem, at least by my own interpretation, she is comparing two separate objects.

The ice is one thing.
Her rage is another.

The person who is both an angel and cruel is one thing.

The ice can be cold.
Her rage can be scorching hot.

Her rage can be so scorching hot that the ice no longer matters.
She has so much rage it makes the ice obsolete.

It is a comparison of two separate things.

[torpid void]

i still dont thinkj im breaking the meaning of anything in what i have written in my first stanza

[torpid void]

yes, thats what i meant

[unreal cradle]

I am not talking about the poem

I was talking that metaphors should make sense
and you agreed to it

I did not equate this to Kirisa's poem, you are doing a straw man

[unreal cradle]

yeah

but the problem is

she used ice to show her hypothermia causing burning sensation

and then also said

its her rage which is causing burning sensation

which one

that is what i am talking about

if you used only one, then it would not be much of a problem

[torpid void]

look at first i sid rage, then u said doesnt logically make sense, so i tried to look at it in another view and saiud hypothermia

[unreal cradle]

"Her rage can be so scorching hot that the ice no longer matters.
She has so much rage it makes the ice obsolete. "

how do you mean it
is it direct or bit indirect?

[worn matrix]

I do agree that metaphors should generally make sense. But it's weird to call me defending the metaphors of Krisia's poem a staw man when we're literally on a thread about Krisia's poem.

It makes no sense to post an example of a metaphor not working on someone's poem thread, that you yourself have previously made the claim that her metaphor doesn't work, and then say "Oh well I wasn't talking about her poem" when someone says your example metaphor doesn't align with the poem's.

[unreal cradle]

you gave two ones
so I asked which one you actually want

actually leave it, I want your poems to be more polished than this

now
do the same favour for me
co kill my poems

[unreal cradle]

no
I am not talking about the fact that you defended the poem

but I never equated Her poem with my angel example

and you said I equated it

I told you for that

I just gave an example for general talking point

not not this specific

[worn matrix]

The context of what thread we are in and the previous conversation up to that message implied that you were equating the poem to the angel example.

If you weren't, you should have specified.

[unreal cradle]

no
we already started to talk about what metaphor itself is
I thougt you would not that

I think we are just thinking differently

[torpid void]

yes

[unreal cradle]

I agree that sometimes you can go pass the logical sense
you agree that you should generally make sense using metaphors

lets just agree to agree and disagree to agree here

@worn matrix

[unreal cradle]

Hey treat me the same way I did to you
Go critique my poems
gogogogogo

[frail wyvern]

Wonderful! @unreal cradle has just pregressed to level 17!

[worn matrix]

Okay let me ask you this. Krisia if you had to choose one metaphor to represent your poem. Would it be the rage one or the hypothermia one?

[unreal cradle]

I already made a stanza to show her

[torpid void]

i-i will but i need to study now

[torpid void]

raage cause thats the intention i used to wirte the poem

[unreal cradle]

@worn matrix

[worn matrix]

Okay, well. I think your metaphor for rage works much better than the hypothermia example.

You should stick with the rage idea.

[unreal cradle]

I can understand
but dont forget

[torpid void]

yeah, i tried to help harsha understand thats it

[torpid void]

wont

jsut ping me ther ein ur poems

[unreal cradle]

ok

[torpid void]

thank you juniper

[worn matrix]

Yes, let me know if you want me to review anything else. Sorry I didn't really review this one.

[unreal cradle]

okay, but I tagged you my stanza for this one

what do you think about that

[torpid void]

no worries i pinged u in two other poems for reviewing, cause they are a few of my best works!

[worn matrix]

It's fine. It works in it's own way, but I think it changes the meaning of Krisia's poem.

The comparison between the ice and scorching rage is contrast. The scorching rage is more powerful then the ice. It's two opposite powers fighting for control, and the rage is winning.

I will say yours does a better job at concatenating the themes, by not oversaturating with multiple metaphors. It does a good job at keeping the ice and cold theme consistent, but I do not think it is totally necessary to make the metaphor work.

Your version is fine, just a little pointless imo.

[unreal cradle]

I do agree it does not equal it in same way

But I do reach the same conclusion

she wants to thwart the ice away because of so much suffering she got
I also came to the same conclusion

I did cut out some words, to make it sound much more logical
I could polish it even more, but I just had to show how it could be better

[unreal cradle]

you said it
mine does a better job, I do think its not a deal breaker
but if it does a better job according to you

[torpid void]

i dont want to thaw the ice away

[unreal cradle]

then my criticim is just

one thing I will say is
both are good and her poem is also good
but if she asked for feedback
I have to tell about the best it could be

We cannot disagree on what is good, but we might disagree on what is best

[torpid void]

thats not my inetnion

its jsut an effect

[worn matrix]

It does a better job at certain things. Let me break it down.

Krisa's poem: Better idea = Worse execution

Harsha's poem: Worse idea = Better execution

[unreal cradle]

you literally said you will stomp it, and yes thwart is wrong word
sry for that

and you said that you will stomp it and you do not care about it

I can tag them

[worn matrix]

Not that I think Krisia's execution is bad.

[torpid void]

yeah but i dont care if it breaks

[torpid void]

no got what u mean

[unreal cradle]

yeah

[unreal cradle]

you had more substance planned

but you did not articulate it well

I did not take much substance, but I laid it out well

@worn matrix is that what you wanted to see

[unreal cradle]

I did say it

you were so done with the problems, you will stomp the ice and you do not care if it breaks
the stanza is supposed to show how done you are with this problems and issues

I meant the same thing

I think you and I agreed to no talk about it and just agree to disagree @torpid void

I have to study too

[torpid void]

no look, u meant it in a way that says my main intentions is breaking the ice first

[unreal cradle]

so I will go, but please do review my poems

[torpid void]

sure thing

[unreal cradle]

my stanza?

[torpid void]

no what u think i meant

[worn matrix]

Treading on thin ice,

Hmm...

[unreal cradle]

this

[torpid void]

yes

[unreal cradle]

and your stanzas says

you will stomp it

stomp it hard

[torpid void]

cause i dont care about it breaking anymore

let it breaks when it breaks

ill do whatever i want

[unreal cradle]

Okay so you do wanna stomp it
you do not care about consequences

[torpid void]

yes

[unreal cradle]

so you intent to break the ice but do not care about what happens

[severe fern]

*so you intent to

break the ice but do not care

about what happens*

- harsha3000bc

[unreal cradle]

man your timing is off

[torpid void]

my intent it to just stomp like i want

like just walk the way i wanna

[unreal cradle]

I said the same thing

[torpid void]

no

[unreal cradle]

yes

where?

"you were so done with the problems, you will stomp the ice and you do not care if it breaks
the stanza is supposed to show how done you are with this problems and issues"

[unreal cradle]

ok

[unreal cradle]

I said the same thing
you do not care if it breaks
If means
may or may not

@worn matrix I am curious on what you are typing 👀

[worn matrix]

Something like this might work?:

Internal lands of thin ice,
Battle gusts of scorching rage.
My feet plant along its frozen surface.
Yet, are charred by the wind.

While I await the surface to shatter,
Melted from aerial heat.
Warning stomps to let all be known:
Stay away.

This is just a rough idea but something that could make the metaphor execute better I feel?

@torpid void

[unreal cradle]

you made it more artistic, I see where you are taking this

it has better potential

but I still think you can do even better than what you did

[worn matrix]

I'm sure. This was just a rough idea.

[torpid void]

yeah this does sound good

but the rage is an inner channel u know

like from myself

[unreal cradle]

charred by the cold, could be used if you are using hypothermia

[severe fern]

*charred by the cold, could

be used if you are using

hypothermia*

- harsha3000bc

[worn matrix]

That's why I called the ice internal. Thus the winds of rage it battles are also implied to be an internal process.

[torpid void]

anyway lets all agree to disagree

[torpid void]

yup

internal lands i get it

[torpid void]

...

[worn matrix]

Sure. I wasn't trying to argue.

I like the poem as it is to be honest.

[torpid void]

thank you!

oh and @worn matrix do check my other poems, i pinged u in them

[torpid void]

and i wanna read some of yours too!

[unreal cradle]

Eternal lands of thin ice
I carry on with my burning rage
my feet turn blue and they too burn
my heart burns, so does my feet

I wish to utilize this scorching rage
to write the truth on my own page
I stomp with all my might, I will fight
let the scorching heat fuel this hate

[worn matrix]

Not bad. I like it.

[unreal cradle]

Eternal lands

because problems dont leave

[torpid void]

hmm yeah its good

[unreal cradle]

you can make many stanzas with one substance

that is the beauty of poem

[torpid void]

mhm that's right

and that one stanza can have many interpretations

[unreal cradle]

Krisia made a artistic and complex one
I just made it simple and clear

Juniper divided into 2 stanzas to put more meaning
I did the same with different approach

In my stanza
I did differentiate between the actual hypothermia and Internal anger

so that is why I used

let the heat fuel this hate

so its my actions that I wanna execute on the ice
I am not using literal heat, I use it as a reason to break

@torpid void for a 5 min poem
its good

[worn matrix]

#1225344879723413565 #1187124309660008511

[torpid void]

okii will get back to them soon!

[unreal cradle]

Your best one is 'An Aside from the Author'

that was really good and I enjoyed it

[worn matrix]

I feel it is too direct with it's wording.

[unreal cradle]

felt like I was having a suspense of novel
but enjoyment of a poem

[worn matrix]

Reads more like a spoken word piece than a poem.

[unreal cradle]

Weird that I liked it the most

it is good anyways

[worn matrix]

Try #1187124309660008511. It's not bad I don't think. Definitely not as crazy as my other poems.

[torpid void]

https://discord.com/channels/944439929734312006/1218078960605204570

[unreal cradle]

Yeah, I will study for now

[torpid void]

https://discord.com/channels/944439929734312006/1218065858396553216

[worn matrix]

Reading shades now Krisia.

[torpid void]

oki!

[unreal cradle]

@torpid void
I hope you get my intention of criticism

and yes
after you are done reading

you gotta give a thesis on my poems

Return the FAVOUR

[torpid void]

i do! and im glad ur able to be open

[torpid void]

I WILL but if i dont study, then i dont think i will be able to afford internet TwT

[unreal cradle]

yeah now go study

I will do the same

[torpid void]

bye gl!

[spare sierra]

Mb mew was busy 😺!

But here

What I got

Yea

Lol

Haha

I saved it in ur dm

Lol

[lyric pollen]

This is beautiful I love it

[torpid void]

thank you!

[lyric pollen]

Your welcome 🙂

[torpid void]

@novel sky

[novel sky]

Damn you really managed to convey the feeling of rage to the reader, I love that.
To me its so hard to convey non melancholic feelings through poems

Kudos to you for such a immaculate portrayal of rage and anger

[torpid void]

thank you!

[torpid void]

@polar socket

[polar socket]

Oh wow the beauty in contradiction 😯

[torpid void]

@inner walrus