A Losing Game -Rider

[hardy quest]

Trigger warning: reader might experience severe psychotic episodes upon reading such garbage, viewer discretion is advised

This is the first draft so I'm looking for things to change

@hollow night

@steel flax

@viscid oar

@hardy burrow

@tribal fjord

@exotic sapphire

@errant fractal

@lime abyss

[tribal fjord]

in the 3rd stanza should that be shifting ?

[hardy quest]

Nope

Sifting

[tribal fjord]

the poem is really good and the rhyme schemes are perfect

[tribal fjord]

oh ok

[hardy quest]

@lethal flax

[hardy quest]

What do you think of the meaning

@cold chasm

[lethal flax]

It's amazing!!

[hardy quest]

@static solar

[tribal fjord]

well I'm getting a lot of ups and downs about life , love ect... a lot of imagery in the poem too and you talked about the sea a lot in this

[cold chasm]

one thing, in the second para maybe you could use - from a gentle june to a troubled october

everything else is fine

the poem is well written, the imagery is wonderful, of the sea and the sky

also i liked the juxta, calm and chaos, innocence and experience, it creates dualities and add more depth

[tribal fjord]

there is also a lot of mix emotions in this poem as well

[vagrant trench]

*there is also a

lot of mix emotions in

this poem as well*

- vardomc.

[cold chasm]

but still the best part is the imagery of the sea and sky, its so striking

[static solar]

It's beautiful, I love it

[steel flax]

The poem if I am not wrong is about having trouble with your emotions.... you want too feel them but you can't. The lines "Hypnotizing every canvas with a colourful palette, yet the canvas is left, dulled with scars". Is such an amazing way to say it. U say the same thing in such a poetic way in the lines "each emotion its own hue,each silenced by sunsets red dye". As always an amazing poem from you.

[steel flax]

Wrong ping...

[errant fractal]

@hardy quest
Flufffff (⁠T⁠T⁠)
I- I just love how you put your words together , the rhyming of the poem is also perfect and I already told ya I literally love these lines---
"The sea, as raging as it can be, holds appeal in each wave.
Either bittersweet salvation
Or an introduction to a grave"
Idk what you thought while writing these but I just assume it as , the sea is you and when you are around people or like get to know them you kinda hope that they see you as you want to , and these interactions are your salvation , be it bitter or full of sweetness and you feel like either way it's all gonna hurt me anyway"
(Sounds dramatic but this stupid one can only understand it as above)

[exotic sapphire]

beautiful

still love the second stanza last line

and the way u end it is also immaculate

[hardy quest]

If I did that, I'd also have to write "from a calm blue.." and I'd have too many syllables on the second half of the stanza, leading to imbalance

This poem can be taken many ways as it's really deep, are there any other changes you guys would like (note the balance, one introduction stanza, 3 stanzas for sky, 3 for sea, one to connect them, one to conclude)

[cold chasm]

yeahh true

it would disturb the flow

[cold chasm]

its perfect

[hardy quest]

Exactly, I've been working on this one for 3 days

[cold chasm]

good job man!

[steel flax]

What changes this is literally perfection made into a poem

[vagrant trench]

*What changes this is

literally perfection

made into a poem*

- Hydrae

[steel flax]

See haiku bot agrees too

[hardy quest]

Thanks for that

Damian on his way to give me a -40/10

[steel flax]

Welcome( it's true)

[steel flax]

If he does tell me I'm gonna fight him cuz this is a 100/10 poem

[hardy quest]

@honest chasm

[hollow night]

You already have my review just explain what you tried to convey

[vagrant trench]

*You already have

my review just explain what

you tried to convey*

- Sreya!!

[hardy quest]

I will when I reach home

[hollow night]

Alright

[warped trout]

very cool poem 👍

[hardy quest]

My guy

Read it

[warped trout]

done man

I read it first before you promoted it/told me to read it

smh

[hardy quest]

Feedback or analysis?

[warped trout]

uhh

my guy

I'll just let you know my fav stanza, I'm heckingly tired as heck

2nd stanza is so great

[hardy quest]

Lame but fine

@timid aspen

[timid aspen]

heyloo

[hardy quest]

Look

[timid aspen]

it's beautiful buddy

[hardy quest]

Hm

[hardy quest]

@shut gulch

[shut gulch]

I feel that this is quite disconnected as I already told u (just explain it to me)
But otherwise I quite loved the imagery which was, I must say, very very vivid.... and the metaphors are also extremely good.... I can't even choose a favorite as I loved all the lines..... beautiful use of metaphor o must say... commendable word play too 💙

[hardy quest]

ugh fine

@bleak moon

@fresh trellis

@honest chasm

[hardy quest]

@sour reef

[sour reef]

Hi

The pure sea, the abundant sky are promising, but the polluted air makes it negative. (1st stanza)

I can't quite describe the 2nd stanza but it's good.

Wonderful rhyme and rhythm. Good balance! The mixture of the speaker in the sky and ocean is vivid. "Dead stars" is a good personification.

[hardy quest]

the poem is a mix of beauty and chaos

[hardy quest]

Here's the explanation

@hollow night @shut gulch

@errant fractal

[steel flax]

Hmm it's very thought out to say the least

[hardy quest]

bruh thats...

[steel flax]

I don't have the energy rn to actually contemplate the masterpiece that u have written pls forgive me for the bland reply

I'll talk later

[errant fractal]

Woah , your explanation makes the poem even more meaningful and nice to read .

And I'll stand by what I said , I love the 5th stanza

[sour reef]

That explains it. Keep writing!

[honest chasm]

I spent all of the love I've saved

We were always a losing game

Small-town boy in a big arcade

I got addicted to a losing game

Ooh, ooh
All I know, all I know
Loving you is a losing game

How many pennies in the slot?
Giving us up, didn't take a lot
I saw the end 'fore it begun
Still I carried, I carried, I carried on
Ooh, ooh
All I know, all I know
Loving you is a losing game
Ooh, ooh
All I know, all I know
Loving you is a losing game
I don't need your games, game over
Get me off this roller-coaster

[hardy quest]

Ok bro

[steel flax]

Arcade.....

[honest chasm]

good innit

[steel flax]

Yeah

[hollow night]

[shut gulch]

Amazing...now that i have understood my admiration for u and this poem knows no bounds... Marvellous work

[hardy quest]

Star

[verbal gulch]

Godman man... how is deep, is amazing this is perfect

and this poem has more personality than a movie

[exotic sapphire]

ALL I KNOW [adlib: ALL I KNOOOOOOW] LOVING YOU IS A LOSING GAME!!

[ivory badger]

Eh, not much.

Good. But not much, 7.9/10)

[steel flax]

Shut up its atleast an 9 👀 (and I am talking about u fir me it's perfect)/hj

[ivory badger]

Do you want me to point out the key points? To ruin it for you?

Thought not.

I appreciated it fur what it is.

[hardy quest]

go ahead i guess

[cerulean tusk]

Really nice imagery that poem kinda reminded me of a black swan event I like how it ends too

[hard igloo]

this is a long poem, please be patient while i gather my thoughts :>

[hardy quest]

https://tenor.com/view/community-ken-jeong-ben-chang-ill-allow-it-allowed-gif-4910073

[hard igloo]

This is a lovely thought out poem, I'm shocked this is your first draft! This poem has a ABCB rhyming pattern, if I'm not wrong. A simple one, but you put it out wonderfully. The metaphors you write are striking, and the imagery (like the sea and the sky) are simply beautiful. And judging by your explanation of each stanza, despite it being a first draft, you can put maybe a tad bit too much thought into it, in a good way! I think stanza 7 is my favorite.

I honestly don't have much critique for this, as it is simply one of the best things I have ever read. But I think better clarifying the meaning could work... or it could just be that I have a small brain that can't comprehend meanings lol. And I just noticed the syllables, and I think you're able to add a perfect balance.

If this poem still feels imperfect to you, explore it! There's always room to improve. Forgive me if this review is bad, critiquing is not exactly my forte :>

[hardy quest]

you say critiquing isnt your forte when this is perfect, thanks for that. as for the meaning, i like it to be easy for everyone to interpret in their own different way, instead of everything changing their mold to fit mine, i let my poem take the shapes of all the molds they like, everyone connects with the poem in their own way

[hardy quest]

@pearl mesa

[pearl mesa]

I'm literally the last one, you remember to tag... Oki sed

[vagrant trench]

*I'm literally

the last one, you remember

to tag... Oki sed*

- crescendos_1209

[hardy quest]

I'm sorry but there's so many names and I forgot a few actually, I only pinged them after they reminded me with a dm

[pearl mesa]

Uff sed oke let me read it

The imagery, is what struck me! It's so good. And the usage of words, is a lot better compared to your other poems. I can see improvement! And theme, it's good. The flow was best too! Well written!

[hardy quest]

Did you read explanation

[hardy quest]

.

[pearl mesa]

Now, that's impressive and brilliant.

[unkempt nimbus]

@hardy quest are u ...

[hardy quest]

Am I?

[unkempt nimbus]

yes

[hardy quest]

What do you mean

[unkempt nimbus]

U know what I mean , Yea Boi

[hardy quest]

Explain

[bold swan]

Sorry
I could not penetrate on what poem is trying to say
It could be my own limitations, but Yeah if others provided good feedback, then mine is not necessary

[hardy quest]

@bold swan

[bold swan]

yeah I can check that

but Poem should make you feel the emotion or the meaning
I can read it but, I failed to penetrate it with my own understanding

[terse crescent]

Wonderful! @bold swan has just pregressed to level 2!

[bold swan]

and yes
plz look at mine Too Vehement distaste for Vitality

[vagrant trench]

*and yes plz look at

mine Too Vehement distaste

for Vitality*

- harsha3000bc

[hardy quest]

can you copy link and send it?

[bold swan]

sure

https://discord.com/channels/944439929734312006/1224034743163814038

[dusk ridge]

Wow it’s good i like it

[hardy quest]

@lime abyss

[honest chasm]

good lines

• yet the canvas is left, dulled with scars
  it starts well but loses power before scars
• a gentle June to troubled October
  I like the play with the months
• Each emotion is it's own hue
  perfect meter, perfect metaphor

as for the rest of the poem, maybe too irregular
the rhyming is consistent in the whole poem which is pleasing, the rhythm is not

I'm gonna elaborate more on the latter
each emotion is it's own hue
- u - u - -
sounds very pleasing and gives good emphasis, well, depends on how you read it I guess. The metaphor is just on point.

[hasty comet]

I am always a lover for poems like these.
To be honest, I have no favourite verse as I enjoy it as a whole!
Use of the ocean is always my topic in poetry.

There's not much I can say that hasn't already been said. I love this poem, Rider.

[onyx vector]

lovely poem

[hardy quest]

for ocean here you go #1216537644666982501 #1216800329077882880

[north trellis]

Some mighty fine garbage then

Although i have zero clue what its about lol

I especially liked the 5th stanza, very nice imagery, makes u think of all the different things that happen at sea.

Some survive by taking to sea. Like Moses, or war-born refugees.

Others meet their gruesome ends, with no-one closeby to close their eyes and wish them well on their journey forward

[hardy quest]

delete this before you get banned, couldve yelled this in dms as ive unblocked you
||hope i do too||

[hardy quest]

@errant fractal can you DM her to DM me

[errant fractal]

Do I have to fight ???

[hardy quest]

No, just ask her in DMs

[honest chasm]

I enjoyed the poem quite a bit! The rhyme schemes are great and the imagery is beautiful. I almost interpret it as a metaphor connecting climate change to the dysfunction of one's own mental state. @hardy quest

[hardy quest]

the analysis @honest chasm

[honest chasm]

I like the interpretation!

Very thorough.

[hushed shore]

It’s a piece really open to interpretation, I like that. It could appeal to people who love to ponder on pieces and their meaning behind them. I think the artistic direction and style is clear and put together. I had hoped to be guided a bit more into a story giving more personal meaning to this piece, but perhaps it’s beyond my comprehension haha. Good work:)

[hardy quest]

if you want analysis @hushed shore

[hushed shore]

Ahh I think it makes sense

[acoustic leaf]

Quite decent

I'm still giving comments about random people's rhyme schemes (for some reason) and it's quite inconsistent here

[hardy quest]

oh really?

[acoustic leaf]

But other than that, it's quite good, the emotions are decent, the message is clear (sorta?), and the imagery is top-tier

The metaphors you used are quite amazing, if I do say so myself

[acoustic leaf]

Yeah, some parts are

[hardy quest]

explain then

[acoustic leaf]

I skimmed it for the rhyme scheme, and it usually uses an ABAB rhyme scheme

But I saw a stanza that has an ABCB rhyme scheme

Lemme go back to it rq

[hardy quest]

ABCB all way around

[acoustic leaf]

Update: it was the other way around lmao

ABCB is seen more

Since y'know, you wrote it with the intention of using ABCB

[hardy quest]

it is only ABCB dude

[acoustic leaf]

Stanza 3 isn't, when I read it (I can't backread rn lmao)

There are so many messages that my phone lags when I back read

[hardy quest]

thats a coincidence, you found one stanza where they are slightly rhyming dude

[acoustic leaf]

Hmm, fair point

Idk but I consider -ing words to be rhyming, I'm open to being corrected tho

[hardy quest]

have you tried reading the rest of the poem without the mental block that one rhyme is slightly off in your opinion

[acoustic leaf]

Yeah, of course

I don't look at the rhymes when I read the poem for its content

And like I said, the imagery is amazing

Metaphors are good

Your poem is quite amazing that the only "criticism" I can give is the near-rhymes on Stanza 3 and 7 lmao

Overall, 9.5/10, I'm pretty amazed at the metaphors that you used

[honest chasm]

broo this like the poem id think if i thought of someone professional its deep and its not repetitive i like it

[hardy quest]

thanks bro, no need for flattery 😂

[hardy quest]

heres the analysis if you want, id suggest you read @honest chasm

[honest chasm]

WOAH I AINT READING ALL DAT😭 😭

can i see ur best poem tho?

[hardy quest]

lmaooo

[hardy quest]

idk which one is the best just search my poems and select the ones with more hearts and stars, you could also go to #1056779405491453992 and search there

[hardy quest]

i wanted you to read so you understand how a poet is kind of supposed to think

[honest chasm]

ok ill try to read it😭

[bleak moon]

hii

[hardy quest]

Hello

[hardy quest]

@honest chasm

[hardy quest]

@river stratus