#Clean

6 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

exotic ore
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um its very short and i tried (dont mind the i not being capitalized) <@&1145760802666717234>

vital onyxBOT
knotty seal
exotic ore
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alrr

knotty seal
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1: "your name on the screen"
2: "fell in love with how youre so serene" seems like an unnecessarily long line in my opinion
3: rest is good, i liked it, also theres nothing wrong with a short poem

sturdy ermine
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Hi! I'm new to discord so I hope I'm typing this feedback in the right place...

  • "I want you in every thought I think" is a powerful abstraction, and invokes a deep infatuation
  • Is it supposed to be "you could hug you" in the second line?
  • "when I think you", or "when I think of you" in the fifth line?
  • I'm not sure why you as the writer "kicked the air and screamed" in the fourth line of the second stanza. Is it so the line works with the rhyme scheme, or is there a deeper meaning behind it? If so I think it would be worth exploring/explaining a bit more.
  • I like the image of "pretty ink", as it could have several meanings. Is it a schoolgirl doodling her crush's name in her notebook? A signature on a wedding certificate? A tattoo?
    Overall a fun first draft, and personally I enjoy the subject matter of a crush/infatuation. However in this piece I feel the rhyme scheme overpowers the meaning (it seems there are some lines which exist to rhyme with others, and may not support the meaning of the poem).
    I hope this was helpful! Keep on writing, and I'd like to see the next draft of this poem if there is one.