Twilight's Descent: Scattered Stardust (1/3) -Rider

[vestal cipher]

okay so

man that poems hard for me to understand, its on my weak side

[mental nova]

for sally, give it a try

[vestal cipher]

but what im able to understand is that poem reflects the space and human condition
the thing i appreciate the most is the imagery, stars, stardust and void, the imagery creates a image on the search for meaning ig

also the repetition of questions adds a little depth

[mental nova]

A never-ending endeavor
To bring the universe some joy
Strike a spark in the hearts
Of those left destroyed and devoid

brother, meaning is there

[mental nova]

@vestal cipher

[vestal cipher]

yeah

[mental nova]

@waxen tangle

[waxen tangle]

recite?

[mental nova]

sure, that and feedback

[waxen tangle]

ogie

[finite ferry]

The usage of words is unique in nature, the imagery shown here is powerful. The poem is bittersweet, I am quite perplexed about the 6th stanza... You're so good in poetry. Well done!

[mental nova]

any suggestions or improvements?

[finite ferry]

Punctuation makes this poem more readable!

[mental nova]

😥 i hate it but fine

[finite ferry]

Lol the usage of enjambement is good, but it's quite confusing...

[mental nova]

enjambement, ill have to search that one up

[finite ferry]

It's a poetic device!

[mental nova]

i dont know the fancy words

[finite ferry]

You got a good vocabulary tbh

[mental nova]

how about now? (i suck at punctuation as well as poetry)

[serene pecan]

*how about know? (i

suck at punctuation as

well as poetry)*

- mustang1386

[finite ferry]

I read it, it is better! Now, I read this poem for the 6th time 😭

[ocean delta]

How do we use it ?

[finite ferry]

Enjambement is nothing but, there's no line break using punctuations.

Like you try reading Dust of Snow by Robert Frost!

[ocean delta]

Oh
A continued line

[finite ferry]

Yes. You're right.

[ocean delta]

I understand very well now

Thanks

I'll post one too now

I just wrote it

[mental nova]

a 7th wont hurt

[mental nova]

bro if youre here, might as well fedback

[finite ferry]

Fr am lazy 🦥

[ocean delta]

Sure

I'll read it once again, just a second
I liked your style

Ok firstly,

I like your imagery

Your rhyme scheme is great

The paragraph with interrogatory remarks is impressive although the last line I can allow due to creative liberty

Your usage of modern day words was different here

Also, destroyed and devoid is great alliteration but syllable counts makes the line a bit too long for me

[minor granite]

Wonderful! @ocean delta has just pregressed to level 2!

[ocean delta]

Overall it's great

Good job

I like it

[mental nova]

ill see what i can do about that

@ocean delta what about now? (i removed the word 'left')

[vernal wigeon]

Ok I just finished

[mental nova]

...

[vernal wigeon]

Probably the only critique or nitpick I could possibly make is: maybe add a comma after scattered in the first stanza but that's just a tiny thing overall it's great.

Okay so I really liked the line "in the wasteland, I'm aware" it really added even more personality to the narrator. Plucking at nonexistant fruit is also a beautifully executed metaphor. The repetitions of questions was also a highlight to me.

The narrator kinda had a savior complex and very black and white worldview though? That kinda bothered me

[mental nova]

but its like saying stardust is scattered, scattered is stardust

[mental nova]

thats spot on though, it has had its share of troubles but it has an endeavor to spread joy because of that, a tainted star that continues to shine bright, or am i just dumb 😐

can you be a bit more specific?

it was action then object, but ill change that

the idea is that its in space, if youve seen interstellar youd know that time is relative, for us it is because of the sun, but what of the sun, it doesnt know time, it only knows existence

have you seen interstellar?

as for the drifting, my pov was that stars are born drifting, and since space has no air resistance, it drifts forevermore. i want to give you the questions, not all of them with answers

and time, we only know of time because of our rotations and the fact that the sun rises and falls, but what about the sun? it doesnt follow another sun. time is relative in space, it doesnt follow the same 24 hours

[north sonnet]

The poem is overall good. The structure is also gr8. Just what i think is in the second last line of last stanza 'stars' will suit better than 'star'.

[mental nova]

i considered that, but i thought of only speaking of the star the story is about, if you dont agree ill still consider changing it

[north sonnet]

Na, whatever suits u best,thinking like that star is also gr8

[serene pecan]

*Na, whatever

suits u best,thinking like that

star is also gr8*

- The Lost Dragon

[mental nova]

zero G: Scattered Stardust (1/3) -Rider

[mental nova]

ill reread and see which sounds better

[north sonnet]

Ok

[mental nova]

@steep moon hello, been a while since you spoke

[mental nova]

there you go, give me a star for that!

[meager inlet]

The imagery of drifting through the void and also "fueled by innocence and grace" is captivating n thought provoking the flow of the poem is quite good too, overall it's a pretty good poem!

[mental nova]

one more star and the board is here

[meager inlet]

2 lazy 2 give :3

[mental nova]

ill take the hint 😢

[north sonnet]

Lol, done

[mental nova]

lol idk if this one actually deserves the starboard but i cant complain, thanks boss

[ocean delta]

hey

I think when is not important here

[mental nova]

literally

[ocean delta]

rather, reading again critically, I want to ask
what is drifting ? is it stardust that you are referring to ? or is it smiles ?
@mental nova

and the devoid part sounds much better now :)

knowing when it started and when it will end is irrelevant to the poem

what will you achieve if you know when it starts ?

what drifts, why does it drift is more important here

it could have started eons ago
it could have started decades ago
or it could started just now

"Time is worthless
in the wasteland, I'm aware."

This sentence proves my point

yes

also
||if you are open to it
no compulsion - I've posted a poem of my own
maybe you check it out if you wish
maybe
I've written after a long time||

it's called || I Miss People ||

also,
is this for an assignment ?

[mental nova]

how would you do that

[ocean delta]

uh...
what

[mental nova]

i have no idea

[ocean delta]

well,if the point the reader is trying to imply requires pre requisite knowledge of relative positions in time and space, then this piece of information would be deemed useful
However,I think the poet here is just trying to put up a backdrop of a desolate environment, filled with space dust and black holes, I believe
and use that to say that in the middle of all this, stars are present somewhere in space, and so is stardust, which is drifting through space, along the forces of gravity, influenced by warped space ( which I believe is caused by highly dense masses (stars/black holes)

The topic then shifts to a comparison between today's monotonous world, where the poet strives to write poems to bring joy (implied by the line ' smiles are my jet fuel ') to its readers

@mental nova Am I right

[mental nova]

yes "for those engulfed in darkness i will tire myself and write"

[mental nova]

No, just me and my own

[ocean delta]

oh cool

would you like to read my poem too ?

[ocean delta]

great poem I must say :)

[mental nova]

I'm reading yours rn

[reef galleon]

"plucking a fruit thats not there" ahh what a beautiful line u got there and even "naive troubles" its a form of oxymoron i assume? very pretty indeed

[mental nova]

it highlights the star's naivete. although it knows about space's black and white nature, it also aknowledges that it's troubles are only innocent compared to others' real troubles. any feedback before i start part 2?

[ocean delta]

what will part 2 talk about

A Poet's Guide Through The Cosmos ?

[reef galleon]

nope i dont see any faults, you can go ahead!

[ocean delta]

cool

[mental nova]

humorousskeleton, anything i should change?

[ocean delta]

🤣

broo I am wheezing

[reef galleon]

oh btw can u guys read this?https://discord.com/channels/944439929734312006/1218763173801234542

[ocean delta]

sure buddy

[reef galleon]

💀

what am I then Shin breaker?

[mental nova]

exactly

[ocean delta]

um...nah I already told you for the improvements

[mental nova]

i dont exactly know what krisia is

[mental nova]

and i did implement

[ocean delta]

you're good to go...
calf cracker

[mental nova]

i love it

[mental nova]

id use that but shin breaker is my irl title

[reef galleon]

a name i made up TwT

anyways

[ocean delta]

I don't have any funny alternatives for it welp

[reef galleon]

pls, i dont know how to promote my poems

pls i need harsh feedback

[ocean delta]

harsh, u say

[reef galleon]

mhm

harsh

cruel

[ocean delta]

do you know about poetic devices

[reef galleon]

NO OUNCE OF SYMPATHY

[ocean delta]

or types of poems

[reef galleon]

yeah

yeah

[ocean delta]

ultimate scrutiny

😈

crushing criticism

[reef galleon]

mhm! an iota of pity BUT ASTRONOMICAL AMOUNTS OF ANIMOSITY !

MWAHAHAHAHA

[mental nova]

im omw for your shins

[ocean delta]

😭

[reef galleon]

NAHHH LMAO HAHA

yeah but pls feedback give veryy veryy importaaant[i know im tryna use butler english guys]

[ocean delta]

could you read mine if you don't mind ?
you could even give ' harsh feedback' if you wish
I'll read yours in the meantime

https://discord.com/channels/944439929734312006/1219224416492322847

mine

[reef galleon]

Okay!

[ocean delta]

issok pal

no compulsion, you could skip it if you want

[reef galleon]

oh trust me, harsh or not, my feedbacks are genuine and are in hopes for imrpoving ur poetry

typos typos EVERYWHERE

[mental nova]

hey krisia have you read #1216537644666982501 #1216800329077882880

[ocean delta]

ohh thats great

[ocean delta]

damn

[reef galleon]

ahh ill read them wait

[mental nova]

my chromosomes and genes have typos

[ocean delta]

most of your stuff are connected

in parts

[reef galleon]

OH YEAH YEAH I DID

[mental nova]

not most, just two series ive made

[ocean delta]

I've never seen poem sequels

[reef galleon]

i did give feedback as well

[ocean delta]

but I called dibs first so u go for mine first 🤓

[reef galleon]

oh lol i dont know about sequels but my poem was too loing so i made it into two parts wait ill put the links here https://discord.com/channels/944439929734312006/1218491890249498684

[reef galleon]

okay!

[ocean delta]

ahhh

[mental nova]

in the meantime, you read mine

[ocean delta]

uh...which one

give one

[mental nova]

i sent you a full message bro

[ocean delta]

first this I will do

[ocean delta]

then these two

[rough cosmos]

Thats so gently written and well described. Every word is dazzled on your poem with such grace, and the flow goes on neatly. I love it!

[mental nova]

Are you sure there's nothing to change before starting on part 2

It's about a star and it made it onto the starboard, it was predestined

[mental nova]

@rough cosmos

[mental nova]

.

[rough cosmos]

So far I dont think so

It looks well written

[amber wren]

I had read it in the morning, I just couldn't speak, anyway, great poem I see that you increasingly write long and profound poems

[hybrid path]

All your poems are so profound... but this one felt more so..... the metaphors of space,void symbolizing darkness and mortals ig... but you were the star ig so u were lighting up others worlds .... it was also about ig finding meaning of life and how you didn't know it at the start but then you at the end find the meaning and its both sad and happy

[mental nova]

@rough cosmos

@mint hedge

[little verge]

Why do u write so long poems@mental nova gimme a little while

[mental nova]

SPEED

[little verge]

Read it. Good job on this poem. Liked it a little better than the others. Loved the first stanza. Amazing work and this poem is very pretty too. No critiques. Love the repetition of "what does stardust do but scatter". Nice!

[vestal cipher]

In the 8th para theres the line "Never alone am I for we all share the plane".
Maybe you could rephrase it as "I am bever alone, for we all share this plane"
I guess this is a bit smoother flow

Other all is pretty much fine

Then umm

Nah i dont think any other changes is needed

Its a pretty nice, imagery and frame is wonderful

[mental nova]

Twilight's Descent: Scattered Stardust (1/3) -Rider

[mental nova]

here is part 2: #1219990196834009149

[minor granite]

Wonderful! @mental nova has just pregressed to level 22!

[mental nova]

boss ^^

[novel lance]

that poem is so pretty

[mental nova]

Ya sister, go read #1217458955291463690 you will love this one

[ancient current]

wow damm this really good

good job on writing this poem and how long did took you to write this ?

[serene pecan]

*good job on writing

this poem and how long did

took you to write this ?*

- vardomc.

[mental nova]

Bout 20 minutes

[ancient current]

thats kinda short

nice

[mental nova]

I am short

[pine tendon]

an emotional and powerful piece that describes a thoughtful artist, thanks for sharing shin.

[mental nova]

part two #1219990196834009149

@rigid cloud here

[mental nova]

@tacit plaza

[tacit plaza]

I've read this one before, and I still love it. The want to bring joy while suffering yourself and the metaphors are gorgeous.
It's heartbreaking and wholesome at the same time. ❤️

[mental nova]

Sorry for pinging you again, have you read the part 2?

[tacit plaza]

No problem! Idk if I have, send her through

[mental nova]

#1219990196834009149

[tacit plaza]

Yep, I've read that one too. Stunning

[mental nova]

Can I DM you for feedback on a work in progress

[tacit plaza]

Only if I can ping you on the poem I just posted

[mental nova]

Alright Mrs ultimatum, ping me whenever you finish something

@tacit plaza ^

[tacit plaza]

Already finished

[mental nova]

I meant whenever you post something (not just the sands of time one)

[tacit plaza]

Ah alr

[mental nova]

@steep moon

[rigid cloud]

@rigid cloud narrate

[mental nova]

alright its in the queue, thanks boss

[little verge]

@mental nova where's the third part rider

[mental nova]

Working on it

[little verge]

Oki