Do you reckon.....? -- \\/.erse

[torpid dagger]

@novel marlin @strange jacinth @strange jacinth @strange jacinth

I would love some feedback!!!

@violet nacelle

Do you reckon.....? --

Do you reckon.....? -- \/.erse

@dry fiber here

[dry fiber]

Oh hello

[torpid dagger]

oops

wrong ping

😭

SORRY!!!

@bitter escarp

[torpid dagger]

SORRY!!!

🍪

[dry fiber]

No prob -w-
Eats cookie

[torpid dagger]

<3

thanks

[ancient hill]

this is beautiful

theres some words i have never seen before

nice poem tho word choice is amazing

[torpid dagger]

oof

[torpid dagger]

thanks

[torpid dagger]

it was meant to be a collab but the other side never sent their work...

it is kinda incomplete as only I worked on it

[ancient hill]

Oh i see

[torpid dagger]

well I consider it my finer work

better then dust

[ancient hill]

yea... for real

[ornate cloud]

Your vocabulary, had gone beyond the limits. I love your thoughts. Just how you spilled those dusty poetry ink stained with love, well done. So good.

[ancient hill]

yeah for real the vocabulary is like on another level

like what

[torpid dagger]

<3 I tried to limit the words as in make it more readable

people complained before it was tooo hard

or the words were unknown

[ornate cloud]

Yaaa man for real!

[ornate cloud]

I love the words! You're inspiring!

[torpid dagger]

thanks for the heart and stars!!1

[ornate cloud]

I'm honoured to have this read..!

[torpid dagger]

thanks

[ancient hill]

ill make sure when i wrote all my poems down in my notebook ill keep notes of these fancy words

so i can use them in my poems

[torpid dagger]

haha lol

[violet nacelle]

Yes, i read this one!

[torpid dagger]

try to find words which epress your thoughts best

[torpid dagger]

I changed it a little

[ancient hill]

yes true

[torpid dagger]

(minor change)

[torpid dagger]

I can tell you the meaning of some

[torpid dagger]

would love your feedback <3

[violet nacelle]

I gave it y feedack already.

[torpid dagger]

you only rated it?

I think

I deleted before you could feedback

[violet nacelle]

Later then.

I wanna chill for now.

[torpid dagger]

fr

:)

[ancient hill]

sure lol

[strange jacinth]

So first of all, the poem has some really advanced vocabulary, like reckoned, forsaken, yield, etc. The content for a short poem is really dense, much denser than I could ever do. But my dumb brain cannot understand the meaning of some of the sentences, I do however like the imagery in the last line.

[small ore]

i dont even want to bother reading(i wont understand anything because i, like jess but more so, am very much an idiot), im going to assume its good and compliment it: MAGNIFICENT, MARVELOUS

[torpid dagger]

noo

[torpid dagger]

@desert lance

[desert lance]

Yup

[slender hinge]

This so wonderful, and pretty man

[torpid dagger]

<3

thanks

any suggestions

critique

[slender hinge]

Hmmm

I think no

I don't think I would change a word of a poem made with your emotions

[nova perch]

*I don't think I would

change a word of a poem made

with your emotions*

- besourao

[torpid dagger]

I see

I meant the structure and the way it is conveyed

[slender hinge]

I understand

But

Is perfect

and written according to the poem and thought

[torpid dagger]

too kind <3

[flat cypress]

really good 👍

[plush pelican]

Ah such a pretty read , its beautiful ,the sentence structure is awesome and your vocab dude>>>

belongs to the starboard for sure

[torpid dagger]

thans!!

[pulsar thicket]

Wonderful! @torpid dagger has just pregressed to level 23!

[torpid dagger]

<3

any critique?!!

[polar crystal]

ooh! its been a while since i've seen the word avarice. you have an amazing vocab and this poem is amazing, mesmerizing. loved it!!

your lines, and everything. so beautiful <33

[torpid dagger]

I see avarice is something I learned some while ago too

[torpid dagger]

<3

thanks for the heart and stars

[plush pelican]

I think its perfect the way it is, the structure is consistent amazing work overall. I dont have any critique

[tough gulch]

amazingly worded, i definitely grasped new vocab from this!! took me a while to process the poem too since it sounds complex, but it’s a great poem overall 🙌🏻

[gentle void]

Your words really struck a chord with me. The way you explore themes of heartbreak, fate, and love is incredibly moving. Your use of language is so vivid and thought-provoking—it's like each line paints a picture of emotion and reflection. Keep writing from the heart like this; your talent shines through beautifully.

[torpid dagger]

thanks

[torpid dagger]

very beautiful feedback <3

[mental pelican]

love to read more of your poetry, since I have a knack for loving old english!

[torpid dagger]

it is not that old lol

I cannot even understand old english

🗿

like Shakespeare

[mental pelican]

I love shakespeare

[torpid dagger]

I see

nice

[mental pelican]

It did give me those vibes though!

[torpid dagger]

I did feel that way too.

It is my style thoo!!!

[mental pelican]

YEAH and the style is fantastic!

[torpid dagger]

<3

I am reading yours rn

3rd time tryna see the meaning

[torpid dagger]

you can read #1214333984159301683

[torpid dagger]

@latent tusk thanks fr the star <3

[latent tusk]

Just checking if things change on the starboard

[exotic raft]

the punctuation here is painful!

id love if you cleaned it up a bit

the poem is very formal, or atleast magnificient in tone, here is whn stuff like the emphasized excalamation ("passionate!!") seems distasteful

"Ordained is fate!" really shook me up, it was on eof ht best things for me in the poem

"[...] diurnals do not deviate from truth" was always a delight t read. the guttural alliteration of the d-sound was sooo yielding.

Lines like "forsaken, did you not perceive it able of mutiny?" and "eyes enlightened once need not seek twice such damning heathered source" use metaphors and imagery to convey complex ideas it was def impressive

i understand it may serve a purpose but the verbose nature seemed to be a little too out there at times. For example, "It's herald's heralds naught of hope, yet still he conveys" is a bit convoluted.

The poem builds toward an emotional climax. The speaker starts with a sense of hurt and betrayal, then questions love and fate, culminating in the final sigh and question, leaving the reader with a sense of unresolved yearning. the end where u incl the "(Sigh)" was fun to read

lines like "lying diurnals do not deviate from truth, their axis's always beckon" use an interesting allusion to timekeeping and the unwavering nature of truth. while its cryptic makes it difficult for me to grasp it one read, it adds a layer of complexity

[torpid dagger]

whyy!!

[torpid dagger]

he doesn't question it tho? he is telling the readers no?? did it come like that?

[maiden sage]

My IQ isn't high enough for this vocabulary.

[torpid dagger]

it is not that deep

I learned it in previous classes

[torpid dagger]

@weary robin sorry I left

[weary robin]

It chill dawg

[short steppe]

maybe I should get back into my old poetry work and then reapproach this

[torpid dagger]

show!!

[bitter escarp]

Gr8 poem

[torpid dagger]

thanks

[torpid dagger]

@worthy dune

@umbral bobcat

[exotic raft]

i saw it liek that

[torpid dagger]

@small ore

[novel marlin]

this is the best one from you, the vocabulary is amazing yet simple and concise enough to understand even as a layman (if they read the old vocab superficially), plus the imageries and metaphors you inclued are good especially the second paragraph, it has multiple interpretations in a single skim, plus the structure and rhymes are not the issue like the prior poems, and when we come to the last stanza, the last line just opens so many possibilities, I would suggest making a sequel to it as the answer for the person writer told this to, it would be interesting to read and yeah this on just was best I have read in many months so there goes your prize, a 10/10. Thanks for being patient

[torpid dagger]

thanks <3

very appreciated

[torpid dagger]

@latent tusk

[violet nacelle]

nice one.

8.6/10.

[heavy thistle]

9.2/10

[violet nacelle]

mistake

i gave it a 6.9/10.

[torpid dagger]

🗿

funny number... very funny

haha

[mental pelican]

ahh yess, a number ruined by a period!

[strange jacinth]

Hmm you are good in using various language and stuff. I see it works as more of a prose poem, because I feel it lacks a rythm a little, but that might be because these words are diffucult, overall I like prose poems anyways.

[wise geyser]

I love it! Brilliant poem, conveys sin and love well. The vocabulary especially is incredible, and serves to highlight your words beautifully.

[torpid dagger]

thanks

[glass comet]

certainly reminds me of romantic poetry. it reads quite well, with decent flow. It has an odd rhythmic structure but shockingly enough it doesn't exactly grate me to read it across, probably in the way that it inserts its own irregularities. too regular of rhythm can also be a problem. i do think in some parts you can cut out words and preserve the rhythm fine enough, for instance, i'd probably cut out alas! from the fourth line, as it just would make it flow better to my mind. I certainly don't have much comments other than that regarding the first stanza, as its probably my favorite of the bunch, flows well and is by far the most striking to me.

i do think the language weakens. rhymed deceits and conceits seem very contrived to me, i like it when rhyme is so carefuly placed that it almmost slips past my view entirely, it's more engaging to me than something more glaring. again the flow is immaculate, but the first stanza speaks of hearts, mutiny, and sloth in both the corporeal sense and the figurative. It's so much more clever compared to "ordained is fate, its herald's, heralds naught of hope," which almost abandons the flow of the first stanza to promptly trip over itself on two clunky words smashed together back to back. there's the mention of falsehood and then veiled conceits, following deceits of course, so it's like now beating me over the head with its own redundancies, kind of blegh to me. there are a number of vague, rather eh words that i typically just don't use in poetry, like unbeknownst, and entity. These are two words in combination that are hefty, voluminous, and describe basically nothing, a modifier to the real subject of the line being fate. Certainly word choice wise, this is exactly the sort of adipose tissue i'd trim out.

i also find the third stanza to be similarly weak though it is more ab ab than aa bb, which appeals more to me, and there are some interesting words appearing again, like diurnals, an odd but somewhat creative choice.

i think i like this poem overall, with the rhyme and the flow being smooth at the beginning. i think you could write more poetry in this sorta romantic style and make it even stronger, which what amount to minor suggestions. already there's this ability to implement rhyme and rhythm in a way that isn't confused and conflicting, which is rock solid.

if you want to branch out from this style, i'd suggest experimenting somewhat with imagist or contemporary poetic approaches, focusing word choice, substance, and imagery, over rhyme and rhythm. i think this could help you garner the skills necessary to really elevate your style up to the next level.

linked parameters for transparency.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cd82yguft4bYuo5tDYfsDJcPryrW33rJN35-lZCRMrQ/edit?usp=sharing

[strange jacinth]

Okay imma save this document, thank you for your effort. 😇

[torpid dagger]

I see thanks <3, it was meant to be a collab, sort of letter to other poet lol

I couldn't keep the consistency fr

mb

[torpid dagger]

@strange jacinth

I am waiting for the ping

[torpid dagger]

@mental perch

@small grail @amber warren

[small grail]

@torpid dagger teach me english

[torpid dagger]

read dictionary when bored fr

also read books

most of the words are from my previous classes

[small grail]

@torpid dagger your voice be like an opera lmao

@torpid dagger the lore goes crazy

@torpid dagger its coming from poetics stream and our vc

Nvm that