Sonnet no. 2, the 20 Minute Sonnet

[stable oar]

Watching the sun as it exits the sky,
Quite the task when I've worked all day long.
Observe the pain from the lights in my eyes,
Watching the sun set is clearly wrong.

The beams are like knives that stab in my soul.
The air, like daggers that rip at my skin.
The trees are all naked, covered in mold.
The benches are cold because of the wind.

But none of it matters when I'm with you.
I give you my coat so you don't shiver,
I can't even tell when I'm shaking too,
Because you're my heaven, a small sliver.

Your light, warmer than what the sun lets in.
No mold matters with you in my vision.

(P.S. Wrote this in 20 minutes so it's probably not great, not sure what to name it probably going to leave it as is.)

[grand creek]

wow i loved it, i love the contrast of the harshness of the enviroment contrasted with the warmth of the loved one, ifs there any feedback i could give it would be to expand even more on that, you already talked about how about the dangers or unconfortable things in the sunset, maybe you could add how she/him takes it all away in even more detail, expand on that. your painting this person as one that makes everything worth it, maybe show how these dangers transform, something like
"In your presence, the sharp beams gently fade,
The air turns soft, a comforting serenade.
Naked trees now clothed in the warmth you bring,
With you by my side, it's perpetually spring"
but in reality's its unnecessarily its already a perfect poem and its about how you want it.

[stable oar]

I would add more, but a sonnet can only have 3 stanzas

And the last one has to start with but

Or a variation, you understand

[grand creek]

oh im sorry i didint realize. But my point still stands, its a lovely piece

[stable oar]

It's OK, sonnets aren't done very often so no one ever knows the rules of them

I'm going to try an ode, I suppose, or maybe a prose

[grand creek]

well goodluck with that!

[stable oar]

@inland crane @jolly sphinx

[jolly sphinx]

The flow of this is so smooth.I like how you turned sunset watching into something else...most people only talk good things about it so this was a nice twist to it...Best lines would have to be the first line...watching the sun as it exits the sky...so well put...only thing I'd change is the second last line in the second stanza...I think if you ended it like...covered in moss it would sound better so that the word mold doesn't repeat itself...jst my thoughts...overall...great job