#My Everything (VeX)

47 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

thick apex
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The stars are most pretty;
To lovers of light,
The bright in the city;

To a spouse, of a hou'hold,
On her hand, her ring;
But to me, Oh darling!
You, My Everything.```
mild solstice
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Short and sweet

errant fossil
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😑😑😑

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Nibba

thick apex
errant fossil
errant fossil
thick apex
thick apex
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Utna promote nhi karta ig?

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Gn bhai

errant fossil
dim dock
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Well written. I feel that the last line is missing a word, but the poem in its entirety is pretty good.

thick apex
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Thanks for your time!

gaunt garden
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You got the message out very well in such a concise way. I love the "to the lovers of light" line

still turtle
# thick apex ```To a darkgazer, The stars are most pretty; To lovers of light, The bright in ...

Your poetry has a sweet and romantic tone. To enhance it:

  1. Imagery: Add more specific details or metaphors to paint a richer picture of your emotions. For example, describe the stars in a way that conveys a unique perspective.

  2. Meter and Rhythm: Consider playing with the meter and rhythm to create a more melodic flow. Experiment with different line lengths or try reading it aloud to feel the natural cadence.

  3. Expand on Emotions: Delve deeper into the emotions you're expressing. What makes the stars beautiful to the darkgazer, and how does your beloved transcend the metaphor of "everything"?

  4. Consistency in Style: Ensure a consistent style throughout the poem. If you're using a particular rhyme scheme, maintain it consistently.

  5. Ending Impact: Consider ending with a powerful line that leaves a lasting impression or adds a layer of complexity to the sentiment expressed.

Remember, poetry is subjective, and personal style plays a significant role. Feel free to experiment with these suggestions while staying true to your unique voice.
@thick apex

chilly bobcat
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what bro do to deserve that kind of treatment 😔

next pasture
next pasture
gaunt sinewBOT
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*feeding the authors

poem to ai without their

consent is dirty.*

- Star.Writes.Poetry
dim dock
thick apex
thick apex
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thick apex
chilly bobcat
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i'd like to expand somewhat on the feedback given.

  1. imagery is a dogma, or a type of rule given in contemporary poetry that i'll explain more when i do a guest lecture in class. utilizing more of it through concrete details can help with immersion, thinking of time and place, or setting. can also use metaphors to further describe ur love for someone.

  2. i have no clue what they were going for when they mentioned "experimenting with meter/rhythm." i will say there seems to be a bit of forced rhyme here. what i mean by forced rhyme is any rhyme were i feel coerced into reading something in a way that i wouldn't read it. in one example "On her hand, her ring; / but to me Oh darling!" i am tempted to read the three syllables of the second line as an anapest, because the line preceding it ends with an iamb "her ring" reads to me as x /. Ergo i am tempted to read the second line as xx/, to maintain the rhythm of it. In truth, the way i would typically say "darling" would be in the trochaic sense, or /x, meaning you end the line prior with what looks like an iamb, and end the second line with what appears as a trochee.

Basically if u wish to avoid this kind of thing (to me it certainly throws the reader off and makes the poem difficult to read smoothly) my advice would be to pay equal attention to the stresses and rhythm.

  1. depth is a weird point of advice to give, but i could interprete this as cohesion, that is, incorporating more images that strengthen the voice of ur poetry. the strength in this case involves use of images that are striking, evocative, and thematically cohesive. can also maybe delve into concrete observed experiences, details that mean more to you. arranging them in a cohesive manner would take a bit more work however, i think incorporating more concrete images is ideal.

cont'd

errant fossil
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So long?

errant fossil
chilly bobcat
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  1. this can effectively replace what they said in 2. This is the only point of criticism, the only difference being that i gave a specific example of "inconsistency" and they did not.

  2. IE: inertia, structuring a poem such that the final line of it hits. in truth every line in a poem matters, because each line builds up the inertia to the punchline. the idea that a poem needs a punchline is another dogma that you can utilize if u wish, but this is also a complex idea. if ur new to poetry, i would ignore this feedback for now.

chilly bobcat
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trying to give more detailed representation of the "feedback" the other person gave via expanding on some of the points

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now to complete things

errant fossil
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And BTW

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I apologise

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I have been a mean person to you I think

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In the past obviously

chilly bobcat
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I think there are a few clever aspects to this poem, "To lovers of light, / The bright in the city;" rolls off the tongue well, you can also look at the stress for this and why it works a little better than the other example i pointed out. i think you have a pretty good ear for internal rhyme, so that might be a good thing to expand upon. this is also the most concrete part of the poem, making it the strongest point rhythmically and in terms of imagery, i think working from this point you could expand more on some of ur natural strengths as you develop ur voice.

also, thank you for sharing. 🌺

chilly bobcat
errant fossil
chilly bobcat
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oh, thats a surprise, i think i might later, i don't often comment on people's stuff

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i appreciate the apology tho 🌺

errant fossil
thick apex
thick apex