#LOSING BLUE

5 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

lapis sleet
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And I'll be in a different place
Loving someone else in an unconnected way,
And I'll be in a similar maze.
Stating the same facts in a comforting way,
Yet you'll be there with a pillow and a gun.
Singing lullabies like you're saying grace,
It's been a long day, so you put your mind at ease,
With pills of magnesium and sparks around your face,
Oh love, I'll find new ways of hating myself,
Steady stuck staring at Blues and calling it a phase,
And when all is set and all is done,
I'll be the stranger
Leaving flowers on your grave,
Saving you was a task I failed.
You left me struck,
Repenting for the same old mistake
a simple sin of not lowering my gaze,
Lead me into being your lover
The feelings for you I carry, that I could never escape,
Now there's lead in my lover, and soil around her faith.
And angels cried, the tree of life had lost a beautiful shade,
Through the poisoning of this acidic rain,
Tears of sorrow, fears of tomorrow,
Oh blue, I too wish I was this brave,
But it comes for us all in distinctive ways.
So maybe you'll find me in an identical grave.
Waiting for you on the other side of this maze.

  • BLUE
gray spindle
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Lots of originality, and you're using vivid imagery and metaphors to convey a deep emotional impact. The quality of vocabulary is strong, contributing to the intensity of the themes. However, improvements in clarity of ideas and coherence of the narrative structure could enhance the overall understanding of the poem. The use of literary devices is skillful, and with some refinement in structural formation, the poem has the potential to become an even more impactful and resonant piece. It's pretty good!! Lots of potential and I love it as it is now too, just could be better (like any piece of art).

lapis sleet
random merlin
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Oh wow. This is emotional

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"Repenting for the same old mistake
a simple sin of not lowering my gaze,
Lead me into being your lover
The feelings for you I carry, that I could never escape,
Now there's lead in my lover, and soil around her faith.
And angels cried, the tree of life had lost a beautiful shade"

These lines are so relatable. Your quite a poet. Or should I say shayar?