The Mountain Climber (By hermanDev)

[alpine stump]

The Mountain Climber (By hermanDev)

[dawn bridge]

what im getting from this piece is the author is reflecting on their goal. the line "ive been trying to" makes me think that it is currently in effort but needs more motivation...? im pretty new to poetry. sorry if this isn't helpful

[orchid imp]

Maybe the stanzas could be 4 lines instead of two to allow more flow of reading

[alpine stump]

dw my goal is to be understood- my target audience is not experienced poets

[alpine stump]

Yeah, still working out general plan first

[alpine stump]

Ok so I obviously over-reached with a particular choice, just corrected it. lmk what you think now

The key change I made was to the first line of second stanza

[dawn bridge]

yeah thats better. i like that its in present tense

perhaps now its prolonging that goal rather than taking action

[alpine stump]

Hmm, so

I definitely need to go back to the drawing board, I got really hasty cause I liked this but it is missing key ingredients

[dawn bridge]

i think the line "i will if" is giving that idea, if that helps

[alpine stump]

Yeah, so

Basically I'm trying to write a poem about the concept of trying and what we mean when we say we are trying to do something- it is meant to tie into what we mean when we say we want something, as well as why it matters what we think we want

buuuuut I am clearly not willling to what it takes to do it well just yet

[dawn bridge]

oh 😭

i still think the current stanzas are good. they have nice figurative language

[alpine stump]

Yeah I basically fell in love witht he metaphor and got hella sidetracked

I just want to climb a mountain ;-;

[dawn bridge]

no worries. happens all the time to me

[dawn bridge]

lol