#Sinbad By: PRESTO!

16 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

crimson niche
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The scum from the slums they cast out to sea
Was lost trying to find his way
Trying to find himself
But a compass wasn't enough you see
The waters whipped his ship back and forth
Crashing waves flooded his deck
His grand buccaneer crew full of bandits
Told him to follow the star north

He soon realized he knew where he was all along
At the X that marks the spot
Unbothered by the lack of material such as treasure
On their way they went singing their shanties and songs
The best part of this long exile
Is his boost in confidence
Not even the leviathan could deny
A lesson he won't forget for a while

With his command, sword in hand and hook raised high
The plunderers will never forget their goal
Comradery, a weapon better than the cannons on their ship
Grateful for the fresh ocean air, they've never felt so alive
Looking at his very own ragtag crew
Tearing up when he hears his name “CAPTAIN SINBAD!”
Nothing could be better than his life on the water
He’ll be ready when the day is new

clever hatch
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Just gonna read first stanza.

crimson niche
clever hatch
crimson niche
clever hatch
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First line could literally just be "The castaway" and the reader would get much of the same story

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Though

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That leaves it ambiguous as to whether he was a shipwreck survivor

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Yet current does also

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I think you may want to avoid using the word castaway bc of ambiguity

crimson niche
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fair enough

clever hatch
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I don't think it gives you the kind of ambiguity poets sometimes praise

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Ooh, I like that change!

crimson niche
clever hatch
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Alright, well, that's all the time I got. I'd suggest you try tweaking the rest of the first stanza around, see if you can come up with any changes you like.