tall spire
Nice word choice in this one.
I see the deer, and she said:
“You don’t belong here.
Do you?”
These three are my favorite lines for some reason.
I do feel like what you are talking about is said well, but all so vauge at the same time save for some key lines. It's generalized too much despite talking about an evolution of the speakers dissolution of their identity. I suppose it feels like.... You are telling and not showing the reader what the speaker really wants to be conveyed.
minor bear
How do you suggest I could clarify it and make it less generalized?
I struggle to find that perfect line between showing more than I’m telling, but also making sure the poem conveys a message semi easily understood
tall spire
I will give some examples if I can just lemme go smoke rq
minor bear
lol ofcourse take your time
tall spire
Hmm.
So I mean imagine I told you I was having problems with my boyfriend and I told you.
"He delineated the borders of my autonomy." What would you say that means to you?
But if I were to say, "He chipped away at my love for him and others, and inflated my every vice." Granted it is longer.
But one is vague about the details. And only explains the end result while the latter ideally is showing the details while leaving the result to the reader to extrapolate.
I don't like to rewrite lines if I can stay away from it.
The original sounds great.
I think it is just missing the details to make it meaningful.
stable summitBOT
minor bear
Hmmm
tall spire
Just an idea.
minor bear
Okay I see what you’re saying with that
tall spire
I think you could keep the originals all of them.
spare wedge
I fancy the use of "D" words. They bring me to seach for the next one as I read through.
After the introduction of the character of the deer it makes me think of a body swap, in the way that you are talking about escape. It makes me wonder if that too goes on in the deer's mind. And also yours.
signal parcelBOT
I fancy the use of "D" words. They bring me to seach for the next one as I read ...
Wonderful! @spare wedge has just pregressed to level 5!
tall spire
Like the speaker talking about the deer.
How it reflects within them.
That is all the details.
That's the good stuff.
minor bear
The thing about the first stanza is it’s meant to be a vague pretext and the actual poem is about her escaping from the relationship
I wanted to include just enough details about the relationship for the ready to infer ok this was bad
tall spire
Hmm. That is fair I suppose. Though you also do the same thing as the first stanza in the last.
Or not the last.
Second to last.
THIRDD TO LAST
tall spire
Well then. That's all I've really got for you on this one in terms of constructive criticism.
minor bear
I fancy the use of "D" words. They bring me to seach for the next one as I read ...
Thankyou I was repeating the d words for that exact reason, the brain likes to seek repetition so it keeps them reading
what I’m mostly curious about regarding the poem actually was the relationship between the deer and the main character
tall spire
I think it was a good use of alliterations to some degree.
minor bear
What I was trying to make obvious but wasn’t sure if I did was that the deer and the girl are actually the same person
The deer is just symbolism for the version of her within the relationship
minor bear
ok yay!
minor bear
oh okay nice, thankyou!
I feel like it’s also probably confusing as to why the girl kills the deer to escape, instead of just escaping as the “deer”
tall spire
She has to kill a part of herself. Is kind of how I saw it.
minor bear
Do you think I made that too obvious in the last line, kind of “told” instead of “showed” as you were saying?
tall spire
Honestly that line does stick out in a strange way.
signal parcelBOT
Honestly that line does stick out in a strange way.
Wonderful! @tall spire has just pregressed to level 12!
tall spire
I'm... honestly I would question if it is necessary.
tall spire
Aye. Because this...
"Staring down the reflection of my rear view mirror, lying in the road, the damnation of the deer. "
Is so much stronger as a finisher imo. She's killing her innocence and the her in the car is this guilty jaded one. Upon initial read I thought that is where it stopped. But then I realized there was one more.
Or work the last line to have a good hook.
To end it.
Perhaps a bit more vagueness on it.
minor bear
I think “the damnation of the deer” is definitely a stronger ending but if I were to add another line hmmm
Maybe an answer to the dialogue? A short ominous reply to the “you don’t belong here. Do you?”
To conclude the poem
tall spire
I think that is also a good title
tall spire
I think paired with a sense of finality that would work fantastic.
stable summitBOT
minor bear
Gah time to brainstorm that
tall spire
I wish you luck!
minor bear
Thankyou! I appreciate your input a lot
