#need help with writing an entrancing poem + suggestion improving the poem

21 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

empty stratus
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An impending dawn

Silver night, an impending dawn,
Your Lunar tresses in sun-kissed essence:
Like gardenias swaying within ethereal lawns,
Unveiling kiss of warmth, your presence:
Lives await your enlivening gleam;
Transforming the plane in heavenly dream:
And, dawn, an angelic deity in roseate skin--
Alleviating aches and pains in invigorating beam:
Entrancing your lovely gestures, in whole;
Imprisons within swirls of your darling hair,
Immersed for ever, till time turns old.
Longing to be lost for ever in that glare:
For imminently your presence bringing death to soul;
Only takes me to your dawn’s gleam parole.

worn sedge
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Do you have the entire prompt or assignment?

empty stratus
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uhh.. this is the entire thing

worn sedge
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  1. is this for a class or course?
    if so. . .
  2. What topics and who are you covering in class when given this assignment?
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Or this for liesure?

worn sedge
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Anyhow, this resembles a sonnet or Shakespearean or Elizabethan sonnet. Is thatbwhat you're going for? it just needs minor adjustments to meet that structure.

You have a mostly consistent syllable count per line, some of the stresses could be revised to be iambic pentameter or anapestic pentameter. Unless that is not important to you?

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The following are only changes to make stanzas clear and grammar correct. I have not made any major changes to phrasing yet.

"An impending dawn" by DezadE

Silver night, an impending dawn,
Your lunar tresses in sun-kissed essence,
Like gardenias swaying within ethereal lawns,
Unveiling the kiss of warmth, your presence.

Lives await your enlivening gleam,
Transforming the plane in heavenly dream,
And dawn, an angelic deity in roseate skin,
Alleviating aches and pains in an invigorating beam.

Entrancing your lovely gestures, in whole,
Imprisoned within swirls of your darling hair,
Immersed forever, till time turns old.
Longing to be lost forever in that glare,

For imminently your presence brings death to the soul,
Only takes me to your dawn’s gleam parole.

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worn sedge
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I can explain briefly, it helps if I can ask you questions though.

empty stratus
worn sedge
empty stratus
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ah unfortunately i do not bear a mic with me

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would it be possible to do over text

worn sedge
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you on laptop or phone? most have built in mics

empty stratus
worn sedge
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ok well just listen in and type responses

empty stratus
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i did have a mic until recently it stopped functioning

empty stratus
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yes