#what makes a poem sing its tales for times to come, (like the sonnet 18)

6 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

dusk valve
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I loved the poem but I do think it could do great without the commas. I know sonnets have specific syllable structures but sometimes rules are meant to be broken to create something beautiful. Just an opinion though. Great poem anyway.

weak yoke
obsidian palm
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I think it's simpler to show by doing, so I did a minor revision of the poem (I only changed one or two significant things). Let me know if that's not OK and I'll delete it!

Silver night. A too-quickly impending dawn.
Sun kissed tresses with an endearing essence
Like gardenias swaying in some ethereal lawn
Reflecting the dance of aurorae, your presence:

While the ardent crowd awaits for their idol—huddled—
The stage is transformed to a palace of Aphrodite.
A roseate heavenly form—her subjects befuddled—
As her mellow voice enchants us all blindly.

The men and women freeze. A single glance
Of your perfectly artful, heaven-sent hair—
Ah! Your gaze gives warning to any advance,
Beautiful as the dance of soil, of water and air:

Oh the speech – gives out. The words – they fall short;
Indeed it was witless, your presence—words have no end of.

warped ice
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I'm getting uncanny valley vibes, The mix of writing by two different writers is interesting. Whats the reason for that?

obsidian palm
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This reads quite differently. On first glance, I wouldn't have realized it was a revision. Nothing wrong with that, though

obsidian palm
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It's hard to say with this archaic register. I feel like the second version may double down a bit on the archaism, which makes it strike me less. I also liked the third-person perspective introduced in the third stanza of the original version. It brought some dynamism to what is essentially a one-to-one love poem (I assume). I prefer the original version's final couplet to "And with each moment, your presence heals within, / Unfettering from anguish, finding haven in dawn's whim." But, again, the two drafts seem like they're going in separate directions, so there's an apples and oranges problem. If you can tell me some of what your motivation was in revising, that might help me understand.