#rough poem - feedback needed

26 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

abstract beacon
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Classical style poem. Let me read it and ruminate a few times so I can give good feedback.

sudden vault
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I feel like ending the poem on so keen, or shortening a bit, could be useful or nice to exemplify the loss and grief of death and on a personal note (of course if that is your style and that is how you like to write by all means) I feel replacing some of the rhymes for some free verse would also help to exemplify the confusion and distress of the narrator. 🙂

bitter quartz
bitter quartz
abstract beacon
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The poem has good enough imagery that I feel that it resonates with me and gets the message across well.

That said, I think some of the imagery could be abstracted or described rather than stated.

Instead of
"A grief that's still fresh"
Or
"A melancholy reminder that all can be lost in seconds"

Try using some objects that gets the same message across:

For example:
for "a grief thats still fresh"
"Fresh whispers of sorrow"
or
"Fresh and delicate tears cried, left unspoken"

And to your credit, you do use images in this poem that works for me.
"the ethereal flowers that bloom"
"the stars above, a twinkling sea,
a canopy of light, for you and me"

These two are excellent lines and you have plenty more. I think you should just work on improving your consistency in the imagery. Or at least make the more direct lines connective or complementary to the higher brow imagery.

Good work, overall! You got the concept and message down. @bitter quartz

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@abstract beacon

bitter quartz
abstract beacon
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@strong marsh

strong marsh
hidden eagle
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which

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this one

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or the one posted

bitter quartz
hidden eagle
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oh

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so the one posted in the comments

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is the continuation?

bitter quartz
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mhmm

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ty ❤️

hidden eagle
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oks

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let me go read this real quick

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HUHUHU

strong marsh
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When the speaker tells the reader what things mean or symbolise it dilutes the reading experience. clearly you put effort into this poem and his somr good things in it. just try to illustrate things with your words more and trust the judgement of the reader more and your ability to write.

And unfortunatrly it does have characteristics common to ai assisted poetry, the telling what things symbolise is a dead ringer.

bitter quartz
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❤️

hidden eagle
abstract beacon