Echoes of Elegy. (broken soul)

[zealous pasture]

He is becoming melted with rain,
It inflicts him with pain,
It feels like those of his stopped tear,
It is the symbol of how much he can bear.

In the rain he stands alone,
In the rain he held a hope for someone to be shown,
In the rain he ponders his dream come true,
But it's all false since his voice won't go through.

In the rain he starts to be vanished,
He saw the heavens in dreams out of which he was banished,
In the rain he longed for someone to arrive,
But his hopes fell face first as the water was deep enough to dive.

When the storm calmed down, he,
Looked familiar as reflected as me,
Now I still want her to return to me again,
But I never thought it would again start to rain.

The rain seemed to never have an end,
Seems like there is an eternity to spend,
I hate rain, it seems more like an allergy,
As i stand in the rain writing "Echoes of Elegy"

[hidden anvil]

<@&1145760802666717234> , @mint galleon , @round estuary
@white gorge
@mint galleon

@granite bolt
@lone torrent

[granite bolt]

ohh I like that breaking the fourth wall

so sad at the same time

well done kesh

[round estuary]

Ah, this poem resonates deeply with me. It's beautifully melancholic, a reflection of solitude and longing. The rain, often a symbol of renewal, here becomes a symbol of sorrow and unfulfilled desire. It's a poignant expression of the human condition, the struggle between hope and despair. The ending line, "Echoes of Elegy," is particularly striking, suggesting a lingering sadness that echoes long after the rain has ceased. It's a powerful piece.

I love this

[zealous pasture]

@rough stag, does this one seem like an AI generated one?

[zealous pasture]

@white gorge , bhai take a look

[zealous pasture]

@ivory garnet

[zealous pasture]

@mint galleon

[mint galleon]

i like it! i really enjoy the like aabb rhymes which is super fun to read. lines like
"In the rain he ponders his dream come true,
But it's all false since his voice won't go through."
hit reall hard for some reason lol. the theme of like knowing theres barely any hope left but still clinging on even though its difficult really resonated w me in this poem. LIKE the feeling of struggling and never-ending pain is really shown nicely in this poem

[zealous pasture]

Thanks, and who said you're bad with feedbacks?

[mint galleon]

me

[zealous pasture]

Well, you're pretty damn wrong

Try practicing more

@quasi valve

[quasi valve]

I like the line
"He saw the heavens in dreams out of which he was banished" it really shows how his happiness is taken away but he still has dreams of it
This is a really good poem honestly

[ivory garnet]

I noticed the change from third person to first person. As @granite bolt said, breaking the fourth wall.

The first stanza is about the emotions of the speaker mingled the season.

The second stanza's "rain" word is repeated 3 times and if we look at them carefully, they are falling down like raindrops. I just noticed. Here, the last line is very powerful as the speaker's voice might come out muffled or even eaten up by the rain.

The third stanza talks about hopelessness and longing for something that would get him out of this situation.

The fourth stanza begins with the end of the rain, and the thoughts of the speaker are now clearer as we get to the realisation of the speaker looking into a mirror left by the rain. It's a moment of silence. The rain returns, so does the melancholy.

In the last stanza, the words "allergy" and "elegy" are nicely put. The rhyme scheme AABB is consistent throughout.

It is the type of poem that I love to read and write too @zealous pasture . You did a great job!

[zealous pasture]

Thankyou very much for your efforts

Oh? Well i can't do anything about that since I wrote them like this, btw did you notice that the poem is actually a distorted elegy, like i first made an elegy and then interchanged some line?

Thanks for pointing out the mistakes and showing places to improve and no, this wasn't translated from any language it is an original written in English

Let me see if there are changes to be made, as soon as i find them I'll try to implement

[white gorge]

Arre bhai yaar aap toh phad rhe ho

[zealous pasture]

@little tundra

[little tundra]

Yo

Loved the rhyme and symbolism. I myself identify a lot with pain, and I love the feeling of hopelessness. Good job Kesh I didn't know you wrote this well

[zealous pasture]

Thank y---, well that's mean😑

[zealous pasture]

@ornate mauve

[mint galleon]

I like it in some ways. You have really good ideas there. The flow is alright, However I feel it kinda breaks apart in third stanza.
I feel that line "When the storm calmed down he," feels inorganic. Interesting message I like it. As for imaginery, there are some good ideas. Maybe I would switch last line in second stanza with first line in third stanza. GJ!

[bronze marsh]

@ keshav i think the 1st line should be more captivating to grab attention at 1st glance
something like
"a melted mess within the rain"
baaki i liked it overall 7/10
but also i like monsoon more than anything else so..

[zealous pasture]

Oh, that is a good line but I tried to show that he is starting to or is melting in rain, and that i like the monsoon thing is understandable

[bronze marsh]

ah i see
it makes sense

[latent trench]

Love it, the rain symbolizes the passing of life, every drop a new joy or suffering. Ig this poem talks about the solitariness, he is alone and miserable, but no matter how long he stays in the rain, it still pelts him, silencing his voice. Pretty good, especially when he becomes sorta sucicidal? Well according to this theory

[zealous pasture]

Yo, ser, haven't heard from you in a while

[latent trench]

Yea, been focusing on studying a bit more, didnt have the time, hows it going?

[zealous pasture]

Stressful, studies are too harsh

[zealous pasture]

Thank you so much

[zealous pasture]

@tired ruin

[tired ruin]

Keshav...

I love it...... I really do..the beginning.... its beautiful

[zealous pasture]

Thanks

[tired ruin]

Always.

[pallid kayak]

Love this

[zealous pasture]

Thanks

[zealous pasture]

@prime minnow

All of em?

Sure, wait a minute, I'll ping you in all of em

[zealous pasture]

@mint galleon

[zealous pasture]

@copper haven , this one is my latest piece

[copper haven]

It makes me feel like you have interpersonal feelings, like you have a sense of out of body, like you are talking to yourself. It's like you see yourself in who you are describing, and that's why it pains you.

[zealous pasture]

Well you're right at this point, it is like that, but I kinda have found peace in this constant pain as I got used to it, and it was the pain that gave me this self-realization and ability to talk about myself to myself while another myself is going through something and the 4 self is just sitting in the eternal abyss (to put it simply I have a medical condition in which I have 4 personalities)

I know this sounds crazy and illogical, but it is how it is and I have found good control over these personalities and am kinda boomin with em

[copper haven]

I'm a person with schizophrenic traits so I understand to an extent. Obv not the same, but I'm here

[zealous pasture]

What're the symptoms?

Plus, wanna read another? This time it'll be the poem that took me the longest

[copper haven]

I would love to. It might take me longer to analyze.

[copper haven]

Feelings of dissonance of who I am. Feelings that my reality doesn't match.

[zealous pasture]

So the classic?

[copper haven]

How do you mean?

[zealous pasture]

Like this the most common symptom in schizophrenia as far as I have read (I'm not a medical student, i just like to read so don't take my word too seriously)

[copper haven]

It's funny that you read the first one as common, as I never saw it sa such.

I never knew I'd have a terrible sense of self beyond what regular people thought.

[zealous pasture]

Well it is quite common in schizophrenic people

[zealous pasture]

That can happen, but you shouldn't let this bother you too much, if you can obviously

[copper haven]

It bothers me only because most people don't see that kind of perspective.

[zealous pasture]

People can be d--- sometimes, but don't let that pull you down, they sometimes can't understand what other is going thru

[zealous pasture]

@raw flower

[raw flower]

seems like someone claims it's AI, but it doesn't seem like it

although, I can see how they thought it was

the difference is AI isn't as repetetive

it tries to vary, which I recommend you do

[warped crow]

Wonderful! @raw flower has just pregressed to level 8!

[raw flower]

@rough stag

[zealous pasture]

Okay, but won't that make it seem more AI generated and would get me in a controversial position?

[raw flower]

sure, but it's also what elevates the poetry, maybe it's just cause it's so good

idk

it's strage they just jumped to AI before at least looking at your other poetry to see a pattern

[zealous pasture]

Well it's not a big deal for me as stuff happens, we can't cling to it

[light grove]

*Well it's not a big

deal for me as stuff happens,

we can't cling to it*

- keshav7436

[zealous pasture]

Spot on HaikuBot

[raw flower]

it's always there for us

always

[zealous pasture]

@indigo canyon

Guys, let's not discuss this here.

[distant sparrow]

It was cool. It reminds me of drowning. The inevitable sadness yet the urge to have hope. Powerful piece, I think the world needs happier poems and poets like us should at least contribute to that even if they make super dark poems like this.

[zealous pasture]

Wait, what?

[distant sparrow]

Yes

[zealous pasture]

I didn't understand

You said we should make happier poems for world contribution and then you said to make super dark ones?

[distant sparrow]

I was just giving feedback.

[zealous pasture]

I didn't understand, could you Maybe elaborate?

@stoic needle

[distant sparrow]

I was just saying how good you did and you're a great poet.

[zealous pasture]

Oh okay

[indigo canyon]

What a piece of work, you seem to be a pretty experienced writer! It reads elegantly and the rhyme schemes flow nicely. Though I did stumble a bit on the 4th stanza, especially the last two lines. Where did this “her” figure come from? When I read the first two lines I was eager to anticipate this character being tied to you and intern you personifying the poem to become more personal, but it shifted to a female character that was left unspoken of before or after this instance. All in all a great piece and I can see why it was so well received by people in the server:)

[zealous pasture]

Nah man, I've only been writing for like 1.5 months

[zealous pasture]

The her character was supposed to be an unopened topic, the only reference of them was to show why the character is waiting

[indigo canyon]

Ahh, this character would probably appear later in the series then?

[zealous pasture]

As she is talked about so much in previous stories

[indigo canyon]

Considering this is part of a series

Ohh

[indigo canyon]

Nvm previous, not later haha

[zealous pasture]

Yup, and she'll be written upon in further poems too as my life hasn't ended yet

[indigo canyon]

Sounds good

[zealous pasture]

You wanna read more?

[indigo canyon]

Can I read the one before and after this

[zealous pasture]

It's the latest one so I'll ping you in previous one

[raw flower]

Ok, my bad, won't happen again.

[zealous pasture]

@mint galleon

Pleasure's mine

[stoic needle]

Interesting concept. The flow was good. I liked it. I read it a few times. I feel the last line could be better. Overall is good. May i edit in a different way by the way ?

This poem is part of a series?

[zealous pasture]

Ofc you can edit, if it is good I'll pin it

[zealous pasture]

Yup

[stoic needle]

I'll need to read it then

[stoic needle]

i am done tho i work on it more tmr idk

Melting in the sweet rain
He smiles as his mask fades into the ground,
You can now see his rippling face finally,
How I wanted you to see,

He stands alone in the waves that hit head, as he lifted his face embracing the pain,
Hoping to be seen, gasping onto the droplets for someone,
Wondering if his face will be seen he looked down the puddle, searching as he drenched himself,
Is deep, he was drowning but he found it,
The rain stopped,
He let’s out laugh,
He saw the shackles beneath his feet, in the murky water,

He saw her bright as ever, holding onto his mask,
He sprinted after her eagerly to show what the rain revealed to him,
He fell to the ground as the sweet rain dawned onto him once again.

[zealous pasture]

I'll be sure to ping you in previous and further ones

[stoic needle]

Alright!

[zealous pasture]

You wanna read two if the previous ones

[stoic needle]

Yes i can now, i am free for a bit

@zealous pasture by the way did you read the edited one, i know i need edit it ,

[zealous pasture]

This is good but this is not the same promt

[stoic needle]

Yes is not, i tried to do a completely diff one

[zealous pasture]

Oh? I saw the hope and positivity (my enemies) in the poem, i don't know why, but I can't pin it

[stoic needle]

Yes i tried but i still wanted to have the element there , . No is ok i just wanted to edit it sometimes i get interested haha and want to edit stuff

[zealous pasture]

Would you help me in a poem? I wrote a strange poem but I kinda wanted it to be like a fast paced sad romantic hymn type of stuff,

[stoic needle]

you want to dm me ?

[zealous pasture]

It's pretty long so I'll have to dm it, sure, but tomorrow as it is nearly 12 here, good night

[stoic needle]

haha is 1.30am here

[zealous pasture]

I know it's quite early but I am in village currently so it's late according to the location

[stoic needle]

ok i'll sleep now bye , goodnight

[zealous pasture]

Bye

[spiral junco]

so sad. i hope the rain ends.

[zealous pasture]

Wait, no profound feedbacks this time?

[spiral junco]

they washed away with the rain dude

;))

[zealous pasture]

💀💀💀💀💀💀

Meanie

[zealous pasture]

@outer bane

[outer bane]

First things first a sensational piece of work ,each line hammers in the pain the longing and desire . the setting of a storm conveys the trauma of a broken heart ,this feels like a needle through my soul after each verse, it isn't just a poem its an enchanting experience giving me goosebumps on my wrists and chills down my spine
Well done my friend

@zealous pasture

[zealous pasture]

Thanks alot brother

[outer bane]

It was an honour bhai

Btw u can check out https://discord.com/channels/944439929734312006/1197176575460909127
https://discord.com/channels/944439929734312006/1197114144533528646 if u like @zealous pasture

[zealous pasture]

I'll reach out in a day mac as the queue is long and currently have to sleep

[raw flower]

22 hearts and I'm happy to just get one lmao

[zealous pasture]

@fallow meadow

[zealous pasture]

That's not good

[fallow meadow]

oh my oh my

this long?!

but sure - I will post it

[raw flower]

?

[zealous pasture]

Did the situation improve?

[stone steeple]

yha indian log bhi hai kya

[raw flower]

what situation- lol

I'm so confused

[zealous pasture]

You getting only one heart on poem

[zealous pasture]

Yes sir

[stone steeple]

leme guess, delhi

[zealous pasture]

Nope

[stone steeple]

or mumbai

[raw flower]

yeah, but I didn't think that was an issue, I just thought it meant the poem wasn't seen enough or wasn't good enough

[zealous pasture]

Another nooe

[stone steeple]

shi

nortth ?

[zealous pasture]

You should promote it man

[zealous pasture]

Center

[raw flower]

idk how to, lol

[zealous pasture]

Just go in chats, ping people make friends trade review and boom

[raw flower]

I feel like pinging people would be rude 😓

[zealous pasture]

Ask them beforehand

[zealous pasture]

@empty temple

[empty temple]

Wait i cant see it

[zealous pasture]

It's on top

[empty temple]

its very powerful! i love it.
feedback- it looks like it could use more proficiency in language.
“when the storm calmed down, he, looked familiar as reflected as me now i still want her to return to be again ….”
i didnt really get it, but i feel like thats what your heart said and its meant to be understood only by you. so thats cool. Otherwise i loved it.

[zealous pasture]

@royal verge

[royal verge]

Yes

Oh my 😭 this poem is amazing 🤩
Spectacular 🌘
Crescendo of my heart ❤️
Nice work 💯🤍
Perfect 😃👌
All the best for future 😉🔥

[zealous pasture]

So many emojis

[royal verge]

Any problem with it?

[zealous pasture]

No, no problem

[marsh parrot]

so all the good and emotional stuff seems to have been said
few lines kinda jittery
like "he is becoming melted with rain"

he bleeds into hazy rain
like "but I never thought it would rain again" would be better but Im assuming you wanted to rhyme with different words
the AABB rhyme scheme seems kinda forced which makes the tone of this poem feel slightly corny
also funny how you pinged so many ppl so I figured I'll join them too

[zealous pasture]

Well I just ping all the people that wanted to read it and yeah this does sound a bit corny, but it is what it is, I just started 2 months ago so there's a long way to go

[marsh parrot]

that reminds me of my own poem https://discord.com/channels/944439929734312006/1197075037811908668

[zealous pasture]

Yo that's beautiful, share it in the poetry discussion

[marsh parrot]

but with poems you just gotta try out new styles and techniques bro
im sure you'll be writing some really hard hitting stuff soon enough

[marsh parrot]

lol
I don't wanna share it that way tho
I prefer sharing when it comes into context :)

[zealous pasture]

How will it come in context if no one even knows about it?

[marsh parrot]

context of convo

more effective that way

[zealous pasture]

But you know how the server works, you gotta communicate to get the poem in context, I haven't seen a single text of yours

[marsh parrot]

I read poems and share mine in exchange

I'm not that active

[zealous pasture]

So poetry exchange?

[marsh parrot]

yus

[zealous pasture]

Btw, where did you find my poem? It's pretty old

[marsh parrot]

wanna do one?
https://discord.com/channels/944439929734312006/1198395562500825139

[marsh parrot]

got boosted up

[zealous pasture]

Wdym?

[zealous pasture]

So because of a message it got to the recently active list

And thus you read this one?

[marsh parrot]

and cuz @royal verge was typing here

[zealous pasture]

Oh?

[marsh parrot]

ya lol

[royal verge]

Oh 😮

[marsh parrot]

yass

[granite epoch]

such simple feelings expressed in such constructive lines is indeed worthy of praise man...

ur way of conveying this is wonderful whoever reads this can easily understand u...

this is gooooood

show me more

[zealous pasture]

Okay okay, I think #1201974951532576888 is a good one too

[raw flower]

oh it's been a while since I saw this one

it's resurfaced

and at 32 likes

[zealous pasture]

@humble condor

[humble condor]

The poem's like a scene, dude, where the main guy's battling the rain's fury, craving someone's company in the downpour. It hits you, ya know? Makes you feel connected, like you get what he's going through.

And the rain ain't just rain in this piece. It's like a whole vibe, symbolizing the guy's inner chaos and dashed dreams. It's deep,makes you think about how messed up emotions can get.
the way the poem flows, the words it uses, it's all really pretty. You can vibe to it, feel the rhythm, and the way they keep saying "In the rain" over and over? That's like the hook in a song, sticks in your head, makes it all stick together.
I LOVE IT

[zealous pasture]

Thank god someone got the metaphors

[raw flower]

this has got to be one of the most liked poems on the server

[zealous pasture]

Is it?

[raw flower]

probably with 32 hearts

it's the only one I've seen with this many

[zealous pasture]

Dayum

[raw flower]

it's a good poem so I don't blame them

I've given a heart and a star too

[zealous pasture]

I think val has poems with higher like count

[raw flower]

you people have talent I could never get

[zealous pasture]

Don't be harsh on yourself dude, just give it your best and see yourself succeed

[raw flower]

the last one I made didn't even get one

the difference is the effort

I put my effort in making it but I don't tend to go back through it

[zealous pasture]

Well I haven't seen ya promote the poem

[raw flower]

I don't wanna bother anyone by pinging them thoo

here I'll grab one and ping you

[mint galleon]

@mint galleon

[errant shadow]

Damn bro this is good

REALLY GOOD

[zealous pasture]

Review?

[errant shadow]

Idk make this im a bad critical

I think all this is pretty good

[zealous pasture]

Try atleast

[errant shadow]

Nah is perfect for me

[zealous pasture]

Okay 👍🏼

[jade sedge]

Really nice - the melancholy and lines speak for itself. Here is one I especially liked:

"as the water was deep enough to dive"
This almost makes we wish there was more symbolism with the ocean and the melancholic. It's a beautiful end to the stanza, and I feel like this line could also be a perfect ending to a poem itself. The alliteration and guttural pronunciation of "d" bring the image not only to mind, but to vocalisation. It's a lovely moment where your skill shines through, and must've been so satisfying to write 555

The transition of third to 1st person worked well too. Especially straight after "dive", as we "dive" straight into this subjects mindset itself. The lines of reader and poet become cloudy, and it's an almost surreal experience as you smoothly swim into the new pronouns.

My one major critique is the prepositions (?) i cant remember if that's what it's called (it probably isn't, dont quote me) but the tenses also are a bit mixed up (which can work, but to me, feels like i takes me away from the piece.)
E.g, "becoming melted with rain" mixes those two. Maybe, and I dont like changing the way it's written but idk how else to show it: "he is melting, becoming of rain" which keeps that same surreal vagueness, playing around with the "correct" grammar rules. Think also keeping the same syllabic meter for some phrases could enhance the poem e.g, "in the rain he held a hope..." (13)
Versus (similar stanza)
"he saw the heavens..." (14) - hoping i didn't miscount lol

Just helps keep the fluency, as long as you dont sacrifice the writing or meaning ofc. There's benefits in not keeping the same meter.

All in all, it's a striking commentary on the human condition and almost a warning but moreso empathetic viewpoint on how unfulfillment can become what defines you.

[zealous pasture]

Hmm, really detailed and deep, would work on this piece more and see what else could be improved

Thanks for the analysis