#A Borage in a Field of Tulips

111 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

timid cloud
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my boy sun tzu is drowning in love ❤️

lunar robin
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unfortunately yes

timid cloud
lunar robin
tacit oyster
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Really really nice title

Nature imagery throughout goes hard.

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It's also a targeted poem which I like

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Makes it feel more interpersonal

lunar robin
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@vague heart

vague heart
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love the word ecstasy

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heat

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i love the use of imagery like this

lunar robin
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thanks !

lunar robin
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@dusky lantern

dusky lantern
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This is a cute little poem

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Well made too

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The hummingbirds being shy of her petals made me giggle

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But it does put emphasis on how beautiful she is, that not even nature can approach her

lunar robin
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the hummingbirds are me

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fr

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but thank you amy!!

dusky lantern
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You're welcome!

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I wasn't done yet

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I love how the end in general is like a nervous rant of not wanting to approach her

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The excuse that her nectars too sweet, or overthinking about how she could possibly intoxicate you

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I love how her stem swings confidently

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It seems so stupid, how can a stem swing confidently

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But obviously, she is something different and special and it seems like even her stem can swing with confidence

lunar robin
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yes!

dusky lantern
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I think the only criticism I have is the end of stanza one

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''How the butterflies wake up'' doesn't necessarily make sense

lunar robin
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it means like

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they start

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with flying

dusky lantern
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Then by the one line being after, ''In my stomach'' kind od makes the poem a bit flat

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I'd reccomend putting an ''oh'' at the start of that phrase

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And adding a bit more to the stomach

lunar robin
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oh but is it grammatically incorrect or does the imagery not make sense ?

dusky lantern
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''Oh, how these butterflies wake up,
Inside sabre starving stomach.''

dusky lantern
lunar robin
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oh

dusky lantern
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The stomach line is just a bit flat and destroys that first stanza a bit

lunar robin
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aight lemme fix it

dusky lantern
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Overall its a really good poem!!

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I enjoyed it!

silver sandal
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this is sooo sweet!

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i love it

lunar robin
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this should make sense

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its like a

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wait

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As I caress your silky petals,
I'm amazed by,
How soft they are,
How these butterflies wake up

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he's amazed by 1 how soft they are and 2 how these butreflies wake up

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or am i seeing it incorrectly blursob

dusky lantern
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Are you trying to use enjambment?

lunar robin
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idk but the butterflies go back to his amazement

dusky lantern
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If so the comma shouldn't be there after ''amazed by''

silver sandal
lunar robin
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yes wait

lunar robin
silver sandal
lunar robin
dusky lantern
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🤓

lunar robin
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amy what about this:

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As I caress youe silky petals,
I'm amazed by
How soft they are,
How these butterflies wake up,
In my stomach full of nectar"

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Get it

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it means

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im speaking from experience

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bc i ate the nextar

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but it also makes sense

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cause butterflies love nectar

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and it rhymes simultaneously

dusky lantern
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Eh

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It's still gramatically incorrect

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It needs to start with an ''oh'' or even an ''and'' ''then''

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On the butterflies line

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I'm not too sure how I feel about stomach of nectar

lunar robin
dusky lantern
lunar robin
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he's amazed by how these butterflies wake up

dusky lantern
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There needs to be a conjunction at the start

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And how the butterflies

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Oh how the butterflies

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Then the butterflies

lunar robin
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like this ?

dusky lantern
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So the butterflies

dusky lantern
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You cant switch POV

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You cant say ''hes amazed'' and then say ''my stomach''

lunar robin
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im meant

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OH MY GOD

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I MEANT*

dusky lantern
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You even have lines later that say ''I know''

lunar robin
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its all in first person

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but i was referring to the narrator

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as a he

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so it wont become confusing

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but it didnt work

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im gonna fix it

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rq

dusky lantern
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This whole first stanza is boggling my mind

lunar robin
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why

dusky lantern
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Where did the poem go

lunar robin
dusky lantern
lunar robin
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yea idk what i was thinking when writing that

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i think the title doesnt even make sense

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biologically

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a borage cant grow in a field of tulips