#where are you? #2 (broken soul)

38 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

scenic wedge
#

Come, let us go again,
Hold these hands and reduce the farness,
No idea of destination neither does the path,
Just you and me sitting under the sky again,
Don't expect the dawn neither the day settles,
Can't speak of it nor listen to it,
The talks should all be kept in our hearts,
What do you know about your value in my heart,
You are the star of mine,
You are the fairy I consider divine,
No-one can come into my heart,
You settled so well,
You are the beliefs of my heart or you my doubts,
You are a home, i am just a wanderer and a building you are,
The only path to my destiny is you,
My heart looks for you, tell me where are you,

Wherever you are, come to so my tears could stop,
You are coming to my memories every moment,
What kind of life this is that you being alive can't be my life,
Think of you or should i forget you,
Now we won't meet so how do i like you,
We'll tie all your dreams together,
We'll break the heart in which you font dwell,
We'll leave the city in which you don't live,
We'll break the house of all our desires,
The moment i shared with you, they were all of peace,
Meet me one last time like we won't be able to,

Only you were with me, how will I live alone,
The sun rose while counting the stars,
Where are you,
My heart finds you in this city of dreams.
It's been years I haven't seen you,
Don't know where did you hide..

#

@keen mulch they are a single poem, (the #1 and this one) please look into it

#

<@&1145760802666717234> any critiques will be appreciated

#

where are you? #2 (broken soul)

keen mulch
#

I'd remove the comma to enjamb this "No-one can come into my heart,
You settled so well," - so the meaning is a bit clearer! Settling refers to sometimes also like going for less, and here it's the opposite (lack of clarity can be used for effect too however, and I do it all the time) - if you want a pause, I'd go for em dash here.

#

@keen mulch Trade feedback @scenic wedge I'd recommend images, PDFs, and making a comment to continue it in that order sometimes! Doesn't need done for this one, but sometimes it's good.

scenic wedge
scenic wedge
#

Could you maybe explain what you said?

scenic wedge
#

@urban jewel

keen geyser
#

I like it

scenic wedge
#

@final gazelle

final gazelle
#

I read tomoro

#

im tired

scenic wedge
#

@coarse yew

coarse yew
#

this is great as well and the length adds to the theme of the poem

scenic wedge
merry crownBOT
#

*They( the first part and

this one) are actually

just one long poem*

- keshav7436
scenic wedge
scenic wedge
#

@trail sandal, @trail sandal, @keen mulch, @earnest beacon

scenic wedge
#

@buoyant jetty, this is the other half

buoyant jetty
#

Love it. I felt that longing feeling very much like you were writing to your other half! Quite jealous of this lucky lady

scenic wedge
buoyant jetty
#

😢 I'm sorry Kesh 😞

scenic wedge
keen mulch
scenic wedge
#

That a good idea

keen mulch
# scenic wedge Come, let us go again, Hold these hands and reduce the farness, No idea of desti...

The diction is interesting, some may consider this perhaps a bit odd - I find it unique and really rather charming. For some of of the imagery you have high accessibility, or in other words, it's easy to understand! This is often a good thing, for my own personal tastes I'd like to see a mix of that and more sophisticated language within your other pieces so you could perhaps attract a broad demographic.

The repetition feels really good, you have a great gift when it comes to rhythm as well I feel - are you practicing reciting these to yourself over time? You have a great feel for balancing repetition. The default typography adds to the accessibility but I'd be curious to see a different form of nonze (or structured free verse poem): perhaps something with octaves or less (eight line stanzas) and or/ enjambed, indented lines. Personally? I use a wide variety of typography to various effects.

Great use of consonance here especially, "You are coming to my memories every moment," - (or the repetition of the m's in particular). I'd perhaps change this to something more strong given the feelings the poem gives me ; ( (it cuts my heart into bits in the biggest and best way) "Now we won't meet so how do i like you," - perhaps replace 'like' with 'love' or 'adore'? OR:

"Now we won't meet so how do i, like you
tie all of my ended dreams together?"

The second suggestion changes the meaning somewhat, I feel this poem is about love and loss in about equal amounts and communicates that clearly and strongly (not that clearly or strongly is always the play) but for this one, I feel it fits really well. I'd encourage experimentation as you continue your progress merely for the sake of fun, if not for growth as well.

I'd maybe tidy up this one, "Meet me one last time like we won't be able to," into "Even if you won't be able to, meet me one last time in a future." I'd also add a question mark to - continued below

#

"Only you were with me, how will I live alone,"

keen mulch
#

Note those em dashes are pauses! At least 1s or so!

scenic wedge
#

@keen mulch, how do I experiment with them? And i kind of not doing it for either fun or growth, i am just penning down what happened to or with me so my successor or anyone who wanna know about me learns about the stuff i underwent

keen mulch
#

Well, I would say its similar to first part in feedback. This time I wanna talk about repetetion. "You" Repetetion is kinda good, but I feel its broken apart at the end.
We'll repetition is really good in my opinion. Gj

scenic wedge
#

@fierce ibex

scenic wedge
#

@keen mulch

keen mulch
scenic wedge