#My Valentine

12 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

hazy cliff
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the greatest mistake I ever made in my life
Was finally saying goodbye...

We had amazing times together
we braved the harshest weathers

our hearts were one
but it was more like two

just me
and just you

what we shared can never be replaced
because you made every night a better day

and I thank you for that
but I couldn't let it all go to waste

I stopped with the lies
I owned my problems and made them right

I was the first one to say goodbye
so that when I die you wont feel a thing

and I can remember

e v e r y t h i n g

potent mica
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Really beautiful

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I think the line "our heart's were one, But it was more like two" Can be changed

dark barnBOT
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*I think the line "our

heart's were one, But it was more

like two" Can be changed*

- vexis_0
potent mica
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To sound better

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"Hearts together, were one,
But the souls, seemed two"

nimble kernel
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“We braved the harshest winters” is a line I overlooked my first read. It kinda reminds me of “love is a battlefield” lol. There’s also something really interesting narratively: because while we get a story beginning to end along with the speaker themselves maturing, they’re still in the same place they were in the beginning of that makes sense

cold mango
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Hey,

This is really heart felt and honest. There’s a simplicity to the language that makes it feel authentic and direct. The writer here is at peace, a voice that is calm and focused. I like that.

There’s definitely a sense of a mature writer finding detachment and perspective on an intense situation. A great love that they grew beyond, perhaps realising that some of it was problematic. That definitely comes across.

I feel like the narrative becomes a little muddy part way through, and I think that’s because you’re keen to keep up some of the rhyming pattern and you perhaps sacrifice words you’d like to use in favour of ones that will rhyme. I actually don’t think this needs the rhyming scheme - it is powerful and beautiful. What it describes has its own gravity and doesn’t need the rhyming (imo) to be impactful.

The ‘remember everything’ line makes me personally think of Hurt by Nine Inch Nails. That’s beautifully written and may be some inspiration. There’s a great chat with Trent Reznor on Song Exploder (Netflix) about the track and how he wrote it. Might be inspiring.

I enjoyed reading that, thank you 🙂

hazy cliff
hazy cliff
cold mango
hazy cliff