repost

[scarlet elbow]

flower on the blue hour

rewrote my friends poem into something thats almost entirely different

Hanging close with my brother at the blue hour
He always beats me up for the definition of love
I know it's a lie, but I can't refuse, cause he has power.
He has love and it's built as tall as an Eiffel tower

As I go to the corner
I cower
While he's staring at mom, he doesn't realize
That I'm just a flower

A flower that's slowly dying thriving to live
To see the future and just be happy
A flower that once smelled good as daisies, a beautiful one.
But honestly all of that is gone

hanging at the blue hour with my little sister
she beats me up, but im happy because I missed her
so please don't leave me like my petals
cause my brother just left me, his heart is as strong as metals.

(The rhyming here was intentional for the flow.)

<@&1145760802666717234>

one of my first poems

[obtuse sun]

Good poem, the rhythmic flow emphasizes the highs and lows within the narrative, is good!

But the line "definition of love" messed up the flow a Lil at the start, try a diff way and make it rhyme more. Good poem, nice poem 👍

[sour rapids]

Well, I am sorry for being reluctantly against your wishes, but I can't really give feedback, because it is a matter of personal taste. Besides that, I do not want to come as an invidious individual. I do like your poem well written. Not too much extravagance from me this time, I am sorry again.

[scarlet elbow]

it's alright!!

i don't mind at all ^^ thanks for responding anyway hehe

[scarlet elbow]

wow for once in ur life your serious

that's so shocking

you sound like me now 🤨🤨

[obtuse sun]

I can be serious what do u mean

[scarlet elbow]

give me longer feedback 🤬🤬🤬

[obtuse sun]

Ain't no way cuz I'm not as dumb as u

[obtuse sun]

I shall tru

Try

[scarlet elbow]

if I'm dumb then why do I give you feedback that's longer than your essays on paper 😣😣

[sour rapids]

Be careful of your words, your words can be used against your wishes.

[obtuse sun]

Kelv issa joke de

Dw

I don't mean half the things I say

And I don't know the other half

[scarlet elbow]

so you don't mean me writing feedback to u?

okokoko

[obtuse sun]

Wait no

[scarlet elbow]

☺☺

[obtuse sun]

Zukii i

[sour rapids]

oof

[obtuse sun]

No that's not what i meant

[sour rapids]

Here it comes

[scarlet elbow]

oooof

[scarlet elbow]

you just said

you didn't mean

and you don't know the other half

so

that means

that you don't mean me writing feedback to you

[obtuse sun]

I didn't mean half of the negative things I say 😔

[scarlet elbow]

😔

my writing feedback to you is negative

[obtuse sun]

NEGATIVE THINGS

[scarlet elbow]

you said I toast u

[sour rapids]

This became a spam chat?

[scarlet elbow]

😒😒

[sour rapids]

Oh hello people

Old dude is back!

[scarlet elbow]

hello

[obtuse sun]

it's not negative

It's positive

[scarlet elbow]

your old

[obtuse sun]

Your feedback helps me grow

[scarlet elbow]

I'M FLATTERED

[obtuse sun]

Thus positive

[scarlet elbow]

grow your poo

[obtuse sun]

your not angry now?

[scarlet elbow]

💩💨

yez

[obtuse sun]

I'd say sum

[sour rapids]

Yes 89.

[obtuse sun]

But I won't

[scarlet elbow]

grandpa why aren't you at the nursing house

[sour rapids]

Why should I , I can still run.

NO need for other nurses to touch me,

lol

do not get it the wrong way.

oof

[scarlet elbow]

pops you escaped the window of the nursing house

[solemn fractal]

;-;

[scarlet elbow]

NURSES DON'T TOUCH YOU GRANDPA

WHAT U MEAN

[sour rapids]

Well to clean me up

[scarlet elbow]

why do they need to clean you

i thought you could run

🏃💨

[sour rapids]

Well you are not there for nothing.

[obtuse sun]

You manage to chime in at every wrong instance possible I wish I was u

[sour rapids]

You only go there when things do go well.

[scarlet elbow]

grandpa i pay your nursing bills

just to find out you escape..?

[obtuse sun]

This is lore right here

[scarlet elbow]

you back stabber!

[solemn fractal]

uhm yes.

just yes.

[scarlet elbow]

I PAY FOR NOTHING!?!?

[obtuse sun]

So tell us what u think about the poem, charpa

[sour rapids]

The hundred year old that climbed out of window and escaped, a great movie!

for folks

[solemn fractal]

oh

eh

idk

[scarlet elbow]

no one will direct

[solemn fractal]

im fried

[scarlet elbow]

the movie

[obtuse sun]

LMAO

[obtuse sun]

"eh"

[scarlet elbow]

they will legit kill themselves before actually acting this

[sour rapids]

It is already a movie, sweetheart.

[scarlet elbow]

what kind of movie is a

[sour rapids]

There is even sequal

after the immense success

[scarlet elbow]

100 year old, jumps off the window, miraculously doesn't break bones!

[scarlet elbow]

Sequal 😍

what's a sequal

🤨🤨

[sour rapids]

The 101-year.-old.

the 101 year old man who skipped out on the bill and disappeared trailer

[scarlet elbow]

it's sequel grandpa

not sequal

your Alzheimers is kicking in again

[sour rapids]

lol

again?

[scarlet elbow]

ya

[scarlet elbow]

how

#💬・off-topic

[obtuse sun]

Ahem ahem

First stanza:

Is nice, "definition of love" needs to be changed, it can definitely rhyme with the other sentences. Also the Eiffel tower part, how about using a play on words and combining it? Like "my brothers love, a towering structure, an Eiffelian heart." That would be better imo.

Second stanza:
Is good too, BUT but how about changing up "while he's staring at mom, he doesn't realize that I'm just a flower"? It could be made better too.

Third stanza:

The starting is fine not good like the rest for me, I'd change "a flower that's slowly dying thriving to live" to sum like "A flower, thriving for tomorrow, it's quest for joy left unseen" or sum

4th stanza idk i forgor:

"She beats me up" and "hanging at the blue hour with my sister" should be revised.

Overall:

Show more descriptions, the same case for my poem. Show, don't tell! You tell about your emotions but don't explain, you could have done that at second stanza at the "i cower" part and left the staring part for next stanza. 4th stanza too you explain your emotions, that the once beautiful and cheerful you is gone, but you don't tell. You don't paint the picture more is all, i rest my case.

[scarlet elbow]

what

WHAT

[obtuse sun]

What

[scarlet elbow]

HOW LONG DID YOU TYPE THIS

[obtuse sun]

You wanted a long feedback

[solemn fractal]

Lmao

[scarlet elbow]

HOW LONG

DID YOU SPENT

TYPING THIS

[obtuse sun]

Since you said u want long feedback

[scarlet elbow]

U SOUND LIKE ME BUT WORSE!!!

THANK YOU

[obtuse sun]

It was more reading

[obtuse sun]

Wow

[scarlet elbow]

it's a compliment by the way

[obtuse sun]

Sure sure

[solemn fractal]

Such a good compliment

[solemn fractal]

https://tenor.com/view/i-forgot-i-forgor-meme-memes-kinemaster-gif-22374063

Stanza 4.

[obtuse sun]

Yeah ngl I forgot count

I thought it was 6 for a second

[scarlet elbow]

so how does it feel like

giving long feedback

HOLY SHET

[obtuse sun]

It's not hard

[scarlet elbow]

ITS

FYODORS

BIRTHDAY

[obtuse sun]

It's easy

[scarlet elbow]

!!

[obtuse sun]

The hell

[scarlet elbow]

🤩🤩🤩

[obtuse sun]

The author?

[scarlet elbow]

FROM BSD

IDIOT

IT'S FYODORS BIRTHDAY

[obtuse sun]

Oh I forgot about bungo stray dogs

Been a while

His birthday or VA's birthday?

[scarlet elbow]

His birthday

[obtuse sun]

Oh, reddit must be going wild then