#Diverging roads

87 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

indigo spire
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One path splits, a choice to take,
Lonely I, decisions to make.
Wondering there, in solitude,
Which road to take.

The road on the right,
Full of riches, mountains bold,
Rubies and gold unfold.
Yet there is more to see,
It has every possible need
A divine sight, a feast for the eyes.
But now after a quick inspect, the end,
a threnody for the dreams dead,
A place full of the devil's contempt.

The road on the left,
Full of thorns and tack
A road full of sorrow,
With shadows looming over it
An eerie melancholic darkness,
Draping over it.
But after a quick inspect, the end,
with a sight untold,
An alluring bed of grass,
Where creatures rest in peace,
Birds create a cheerful piece,
Insects waltz, a lively dance.

Now I've realised it,
The road on the right, Leads to hell.
So the devil has played, His bag of tricks,
Making the road that leads to it
An attractive place, so that you may,
End up in that forsaken place.

But the road on the left,
Leads to heaven, an alluring place
God has made it hard to get,
So the devil's spawns, Won't end up there, As the road, Is hell itself.

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@carmine vale

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<@&1145760802666717234>

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@jolly cloud

carmine vale
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Sounds good.

indigo spire
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Trying to convey the message that heaven is a easy place to reach and God is just trying to make us tough while we try to reach heaven

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Sum like that

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And that the easy way is what leads to damnation

carmine vale
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That’s true.

carmine vale
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Catholic Jesus loves you. Join his Church.

indigo spire
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Hard in the standards of humans

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Since all it requires is u do good deeds and stuff

obtuse cobalt
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It sounds a lot like "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost, to me. Although, I get your idea. Good use of dynamics.

indigo spire
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Yeah the starting is inspired by him

obtuse cobalt
prisma sandBOT
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*No wonder. Are you

inspired by him or just

the poem he wrote?*

indigo spire
jolly cloud
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@indigo spire

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my fingers gave up

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im sorry

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you just have to understand my mic lags

indigo spire
# jolly cloud

"And that's all!"
Proceeds to literally obliterate me with words

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for 1 min and 30 seconds

indigo spire
# jolly cloud

So the things I need to improve are:

Structure
Rhyme
And more descriptions

prisma sandBOT
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*So the things I need

to improve one: Structure Rhyme

And more descriptions*

indigo spire
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Thank you as always zukii

indigo spire
indigo spire
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I was struggling mid way😭

indigo spire
jolly cloud
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i switched languages three times in that voice recording

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my bad

indigo spire
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Woman was so angry she switched languages to diss me 3 times

jolly cloud
indigo spire
indigo spire
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@jolly cloud how's it now?

jolly cloud
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third stanza ruined the structure

indigo spire
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Damn it

jolly cloud
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it's ok

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it's A LOT better

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i prefer it more

indigo spire
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No my perfectionist side doesn't agree

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What's the main part that's standing out?

jolly cloud
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the good rhyming

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the flow is better than last time

indigo spire
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U told me to rhyme woman😭

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So do I rhyme more or not

jolly cloud
indigo spire
jolly cloud
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join voice call

indigo spire
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@blazing yew this one

blazing yew
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I see one sec

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Ooh, very neat, i enjoyed that
I love the first stanza, and “gold unfold” sounds so pleasant, your rhyming as always is lovely

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Your imagery is vivid and the language you use helps push the importance and air of the topic youre talking about

indigo spire
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Thank you thank you, it feels nice to hear good words after all the roasting zukii has done😌❤️

blazing yew
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I refrain from criticism unless it was requested <3

indigo spire
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I want to know if there's anything off

blazing yew
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Oh well let me reread more carefully then

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For stanza one: you dont really take decisions and you already mentioned choices in the previous line so in stanza one i would replace the word “decisions” with “paths”

Stanza two: i think using unfold a second time is redundant and you kinda dropped the rhyming scheme which is bad for your flow. Also, a commas unnecessary in that last line, unless youre saying something more substantial or specific than place, like “a desert” comma or “a [adjective] place” comma

Stanza three: I think you should amend the first four lines, it feels like theyre spliced two two when describing the same thing, either change the subject or make it one chunk of talking about the darkness/shadows. Additionally i suggest moving the last line to being second to last to spread out that rhyme. Suddenly rhyming again is kinda jarring though

Stanza four: bit of a grammar point about “played, his bag of tricks” but its not that important and maybe type the full “you”

Stanza five: you already called it alluring, so maybe switch words. I would suggest removing “thus” because “so” already does the same thing next line

Of course you dont have to take anything i said to heart and its just my opinion, not fact. And remember i really do like this piece despite having notes

blazing yew
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Ofc hope it helps friend

indigo spire
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I changed it can you take a look again if your free? @blazing yew

jolly cloud
blazing yew
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Stanza one: my bad on this one cause i suggested it i shouldve been more attentive but i wouldnt say path and paths again in lines one and two, its repetitive. As for the rhyming if you cant think of a third word to rhyme with make and take id at least adjust it so its take-make-take for better flow

Stanza two: no notes, love it, good work on “see” and “need” rhyming. If it were me for flow id add another thing to “rubies and gold unfold”, i cant describe why but itd sound better to me if it were something like (just for example) “sapphires rubies and gold unfold”, probably cause gold ties to fold which leaves rubies a little alone. But really no notes good work

Stanza three: dont think you changed anything but if so let me know should you want my comment on the difference

Stanza four: i think you mightve changed th last two lines? I like them, incase i havent mentioned it the first time n theyre not new

Stanza five: same as stanza three

blazing yew
jolly cloud
indigo spire
# blazing yew Stanza one: my bad on this one cause i suggested it i shouldve been more attenti...

I didn't change stanza three since it's intended to be describing two diff things if that's what u were saying was what needed to be amended, because at the start it's describing the road and how bad it looks and then later it's describing the destination, it's saying how surprisingly despite the bad road the end is beautiful and lovely.

I changed stanza four according to what u said, grammatical stuff and minor details. Stanza five too I changed minor details nothing big. Thank you so much dweller of the deep ends❤️❤️

indigo spire
blazing yew
indigo spire
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@steep aurora

steep aurora
# indigo spire <@797586311032209418>

Lovely poem!! It reminded me of a painting I once saw. It was about how the road to heaven was full road whereas the road to hell has a red carpet

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Descriptions are on point too

indigo spire
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I tried my best, hope it's not too shabby for your level of skill

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And thank you❤️

steep aurora