the red man

[light sinew]

the red man

the red man was smiling at me
he waved to a distance i could see
the red man sat and had tea with me
the red man told me to be free

the red man, i saw outside the window
he disappeared outside without a shadow
the red man waved me a silent goodbye
he was mysterious, he was nice

the red man saved me from jumping off
the red man told me its okay, he told
the red man saved me, cant you see?
its something only he did, for me.

[vivid vigil]

I am not a fan of repeating the same thing to emphasize it but it looks like it worked here. But I think having a pattern would make it look more pleasing. like on the first verse u start with "the red man" and the last two ends with "the red man" u could make all the verses in that pattern. I hope this sentence makes sense

and I didnt understand "the red man told me its okay, he told" this bit

[light sinew]

that bit was intentional hehe, the repeated "the red man" parts are intentional, I'm sorry if it ruined the flow!! thank you for the tip and feedback!!

[vivid vigil]

no no it works in the poem when u read it out loud it sounds nice

[lilac rock]

*no no it works in

the poem when u read it

out loud it sounds nice*

- _cinnamony

[vivid vigil]

why do I keep triggering this bot lmao

[light sinew]

this bit finds the most random sentences 😭😭

bot*

[light sinew]

i actually hallucinated for one second and when I looked outside I saw a balcony and a red man standing and when I blinked again it was gone

that's my inspiration 🤦‍♀️

[vivid vigil]

glad u saw him... I have been known for my red ribbon so ıg our saviour is the color red

[drowsy blaze]

<@&1145760802666717234>

[drowsy blaze]

It does! Also any particular feedback you want? Do you prefer it most for this piece? You can include 2-3 more for me if you want me to read along 1:1 - feedback wise I can focus or split it a bit.

[light sinew]

i accept any feedback!!

im reading yours right now haha

[drowsy blaze]

okies sure! I recommend the narration especially! And feel free to link me some more of yours now or later then ❤️ ty for the assist! feedback inc soon ❤️

[drowsy blaze]

^narration

[light sinew]

the narration was so expressive

waw

i can finally hear what my own poem sounds like 😭

thank you for that 👍

[drowsy blaze]

for sure! other folks may read it differently at times but I like to show some of the options! I'm glad you liked it, I loved the piece! ❤️ bbs!

[ancient pawn]

I like this poem! It's like a one on one conversation, and a deep one about life experiences! :D

[light sinew]

thank you!!

[drowsy blaze]

Let's go with favorite line/stanza, least favorite line/stanza, then general impression?

[drowsy blaze]

So my favorite line is probably

"he disappeared outside without a shadow
the red man waved me a silent goodbye"

my LEAST favorite (though ti feeds into the rest of the piece, and its overall strengths WHICH include repetition) would be:

"the red man sat and had tea with me
the red man told me to be free"

I think if the flow/meter here is tweaked just a bit or perhaps the diction is leaned into a bit more in an unconventional manner I'd really enjoy that.

Now I got a sneak peak at the impetus behind this poem, or the reason you wrote it, and I REALLY liked it - it and this both gets me excited to read more of your work but for me...

The red man was very much a symbol of... a lot of potential things! Additionally the color red itself can be really near and dear to me in its own ways, and it often ties into so much I believe (not to mention its long wavelength). AND SO: I got sensory flashes of my own times in my old apartment or perhaps my room, I had images of being lonely with my tea and so much ennui I could scream and just... I felt a lot of what I'd experienced before but-

I ALSO GOT MORE! But it's hard to describe. I owe the more odd flashes probably to the depth and generality of the symbol used (which seem to contrast in a way delightfully I think). But I got a lot of other sensations I couldn't quite describe, and particularly ones that...

I'll leave it at that while I marinate! I'd like to see more devices but it may hurt some of the charm? Let's see what the future brings! I don't think any 'one' poem can really offer it all, and what this one offer feels good!

[light sinew]

omg thank u so much for the feedback!!

[drowsy blaze]

Absolutely! I'm excited to keep exchanging more ; )

Your feedback is killer and you deserve killer feedback I feel!!! ❤️

https://tenor.com/view/anime-girl-salute-slow-loop-koharu-minagi-yes-sir-gif-25180631

[light sinew]

a

[trim reef]

I would think of the repeating phrase like a skeleton and it wouldn't bother the reader if it looked more like a skeleton. There is rhythm in those bones. Also loved that he sat and had tea with you. We could all use more of that in our lives.
Phrases like "be free" aren't bad. I think we hear them a lot. In short, freedom is what the red man gives, but this is poetry, so maybe he says it without saying it. Reminds me of A Peaceful Warrior where the author uses a shaman character and the phrase "take out the trash"---- the last thing we remember Herculeus doing!

[drowsy blaze]

I like it. Repetion is really good here. Personally I don't use it that much, but with this theme it sounds really good.
Just red man
Imaginary savior

[light sinew]

hes actual ly

a hallucination

for a quick second