The rain drips softly,
Her heels echo,
Giving her arrival away,
As She walks by,
Her brown eyes,
Capture me,
Her words gives delights,
No one else could give,
Her glasses hold me,
Her hands join us,
Tighter than ever,
I’m hers
Her smile brings joy,
Her hand reaches,
She holds me,
Her hands leads me,
Under the moon,
She dances with me,
Swaying softly,
Her elegant eyes
Takes my breath away,
The rain pours,
Covering all sounds,
The rain drops on her face,
Covering her tears of joy,
She is mine,
We fell in love.
#Fell In Love 2
cloud coral
fiery basin
its a beautiful poem. the perspective of a person falling in love i don't know why but it gives a bit vibe of wishful thinking . her hands join us, tighter than ever these lines could be substituted with something else to express the change.
long halo
the words create a vivid picture that would be amazing
but i think that the rythym could be improved
as some lines are significantly longer than others
is it supposed to be said fast or slow?
i think adding more things on such as literary devices could make it better
like metaphors
that give more meanign
a lot of the phrases said are cliche btw
eg her eyes capture me
and her smile brings me joy
maybe using zoom to capture her actual facial features
plush bluffBOT
long halo
lacks a unique perspective
rewrite
Original: "Her eyes capture me,"
Revised: "In her gaze, I'm ensnared,"
plush bluffBOT
tired whale
The rain drips softly,
Her heels echo,
Giving her arrival away,
As She walks by,...
I'll be honest I think it's KILLER - narration wise I may have a bit more to offer, and I've been up for a while so my brain is ZAPPED
but I think you got this!
tired whale
<@710071316266352662> do u want feedback
they do! performing tomorrow here
I'd offer more but DESTROYED
daring pebble
they do! performing tomorrow here
okoko lemmi give
tired whale
also open mic at 2 GMT this saturda zukii if you can make it!
LOVED YOUR FEEDBACK BTW!!!!
daring pebble
LOVED YOUR FEEDBACK BTW!!!!
thankuu
tired whale
omw to you soon, got caught up A LOT today so you're soon ❤️
daring pebble
also open mic at 2 GMT this saturda zukii if you can make it!
yieks I'm gmt+8
long halo
i gave him feedback to harsh :/
tired whale
yieks I'm gmt+8
let me shoot a dm, and we'll do a time that works for you for the next one!
daring pebble
i gave him feedback to harsh :/
don't worry I do the same
long halo
can you ping joshua telling him my feedback?
daring pebble
😭
daring pebble
let me shoot a dm, and we'll do a time that works for you for the next one!
oks
long halo
yieks I'm gmt+8
im gmt+11
daring pebble
also open mic at 2 GMT this saturda zukii if you can make it!
ill try but if I'm not there im prolly out sorry 😭
long halo
also open mic at 2 GMT this saturda zukii if you can make it!
im prob not gonna make it
tired whale
im prob not gonna make it
that time is AWFUL for Aus, we'll ABSOLUTELY find one that works for your time zone ❤️
Shoot me a dm if anything in particular works!
tired whale
ill try but if I'm not there im prolly out sorry 😭
No worries, we'll make it work sometime! ❤️
tired whale
The rain drips softly,
Her heels echo,
Giving her arrival away,
As She walks by,...
Lemme know how it goes! Assuming this is written for a lucky lady I'd feel lucky all the same to be in her shoes ; ) keep it up!