America

[rapid shoal]

I was just talking about this…

It’s a wild world we live in fr

What I was saying, I was saying “they should have just told me that this whole world is bat-shit insane” from the very first day that I could speak a full sentence. At least then I would have been prepared to cope

The best you can hope for is a few moments of true peace and sanity in life… that’s a reality I’ve begun to except

Glad you posted 👍

I needed this…

[visual island]

ofc! your poem sounds great so far!

[summer moat]

society's*, not societies

third line, first stanza

is there some special significance in the number ten?

[visual island]

ten amendments

and ten commandments

[summer moat]

damn, alr

did u consider maybe adding that?

because a non-christian non-american would be completely lost there

[visual island]

yes its a poem

you annotate and try to understand the meaning of poems

[summer moat]

second stanza, third line, instead of piercing, u cud use clamping

[summer moat]

poets that unnecessarily confused their readers aren't worth their salt

[visual island]

its not unnecessarily confusing

[summer moat]

the greatest poems are easy enough to understand

[visual island]

thats completely different

[crisp dock]

Eh I honestly don’t think so. The subtext makes it deeper but isn’t necessary

[summer moat]

any hidden meanings add to the poem, but ur reader's inability to understand them won't take away from it

[visual island]

the poem doesnt cause confusion at all

you get the grasp of it as a whole

and you understand

[summer moat]

rly? why did I need to ask you about ten then?

[visual island]

^

[summer moat]

after u explained, I understood

[visual island]

because you didnt take time to finish reading

or understand

you instantly criticized each line

[summer moat]

I already finished reading ._.

[visual island]

and thats fine

[summer moat]

this, i agree

i wanted the explanations from you

[visual island]

awesome

i gave you it

[crisp dock]

That doesn’t mean it’s unnecessarily confusing lol. Also yes it’s okay to read something and not understand it’s how you learn lol

[visual island]

^^^

[summer moat]

couple of other things I wanted to point out. society's in third stanza first line, you're in second line

[visual island]

ya i fixed society's thanks abt that

[lyric mountain]

Hmmm, in my opinion, the point invictus was making was that a poem should be powerful and meaningful, whether you understand the nuances or not.

[summer moat]

that's exactly what it means

[lyric mountain]

And I think that this poem might come short in this aspect.

[summer moat]

there is a difference between something that takes 3 re-reads to understand and something that you will not understand unless the poet himself explains it to you

[visual island]

explain

[vernal verge]

Wonderful! @visual island has just pregressed to level 2!

[summer moat]

learning is only possible if the meaning is challenging but possible to grasp

it's not possible here

my awareness of the ten amendments and ten commandments did not cause me to draw that conclusion

[visual island]

"midst of society's den, claws of hatred and fangs of gold, held captive by ten" those are all aspects of the first 10 amendments

its really easy to piece together actually

[visual island]

you literally said you didnt try to understand the poem, you said you wanted me to explain it first...

you're contradicting yourself

[summer moat]

I know

but if i read it again, assuming u never told me

I know for a fact that i wud never figure out the meaning of ten

[visual island]

other people were able to

[lyric mountain]

My favorite pieces, are ones that I learn something new about everytime I read them. My first read, I get a powerful and simple read, my second I start to understand the underlying metaphors, third, etc. With this poem, it's only powerful once you understood all the nuances, which I feel decreases it scope.

It's by no means a bad piece, and I think everyone should relax a little lol

[summer moat]

they are more intelligent than me, then, I congratulate them 👏

but for us normal mortals

ten makes no sense

i suggested the change so that u cud improve ur poem

if u don't want to

be my guest

[summer moat]

I agree, it's a well-written poem

I simply didn't understand one line and asked him to simplify it a bit

[visual island]

thats understandable but ridiculous at the same time, because society is clearly at the forefront of the poem; hence the title and repetition, so any person able to see the injustice and unfairness in society would understand what the underlying message is and learn.

not to criticize your criticism

just failing to see your point clearly

[summer moat]

and ur poem does a good job of conveying the message u're trynna convey, but that line can be better

[crisp dock]

I live in America so this just seemed pretty clear that it’s about its issues. The commandments thing clearly would take research dig into. But stars in the midnight realm a story to be told, give instant patriotic vibes and I was held captive by ten may have not been the amendments right away it still paints the picture of ruthless masculine shadows holding you down and if that ain’t America idk what is.

[visual island]

sure

[visual island]

^^^^

any american can clearly understand the patriotic hints given

[summer moat]

that seems a very sad way to look at your own country, but i hear that dissing your country is fashionable these days

[visual island]

not really

its not dissing

its revolting

[summer moat]

so u're writing this poem only for americans?

[visual island]

aiming for change

[summer moat]

not ur poem, I'm talking about what he said

[visual island]

no, im writing this poem about america

its not shy to anyone in the world that the american flag has stars

[lyric mountain]

Honestly, the only reason I bring this up at all is because you're saying you're presenting on stage. I brought this up because, depending on your audience, you might want to adjust your poem accordingly. That's all, and I would suggest that if you ask for feedback in the future, you do it more respectfully in general.

[summer moat]

"masculine shadows holding you down, which is basically what america is "

ouch

[crisp dock]

I think fighting for America to be better is a sign for love if anything

[visual island]

how have i been unrespectful....

[lyric mountain]

Not to me, but to him.

[visual island]

i havent been disrespectful to him either

he gave me advice

[lyric mountain]

Everyone needs to take a step back and cool their head .

[vernal verge]

Wonderful! @lyric mountain has just pregressed to level 8!

[visual island]

i changed some things

[summer moat]

I shall let you correct that statement without me pointing out the flaw

[visual island]

all we are saying to him is he cant criticize the understanding if he didnt try to understand it.

[visual island]

haven't

[summer moat]

I'm sure a guy as smart as you can figure out his mistake

[visual island]

disrespectful

same thing

😭

[crisp dock]

Y’all are hilarious

[summer moat]

any non-american trying to understand it would struggle as I did

so if you're writing for a niche audience, say so in the beginning

most poems are meant to be universal, and by extension, universally understood

[visual island]

what other country do you know has 50 stars

[summer moat]

i hv no idea abt 50, but i think australia and nz have stars on their flag with a blue background

[lyric mountain]

A piece of actual feedback I would give would be to maybe just change the title to something closer to America, as oppose to society as a whole.

[visual island]

are they patriotically known by their stars?

[visual island]

i agree with this

[lyric mountain]

This would help all your well written metaphors about the U.S., make more sense.

[visual island]

that should clear

up

some

air

[summer moat]

america is not known by its stars either, that's just u ppl

[ember mesa]

*america is

not known by its stars either,

that's just u ppl*

- .lordinvictus

[visual island]

America

[visual island]

it is....

[summer moat]

oh, i noticed one thing

could u explain the second line of the third stanza?

[summer moat]

no, it's not. we associate america with patriotism, guns, school sho*tings and bald eagles

stars? not so much

[lyric mountain]

Honestly, I think this is petty at this point.

[visual island]

like even after you pass, society still controls you and those you care about

[lyric mountain]

Stars is a perfectly valid way to reference the U.S.

[visual island]

^

[visual island]

thats stereotypes

not association

😭

[summer moat]

bald eagle is stereotyping?

[visual island]

no

[summer moat]

damn, my bad, i didn't know

[visual island]

school shootings and guns is

[summer moat]

eh

the point i was trying to make is

stars is not a US thing

*are not

[visual island]

okay thank you!

[summer moat]

yw

and just for the record

it is a well-written poem

all the best for when you have to presen tit

[visual island]

thanks, i appreciate that

[summer moat]

*present it

[visual island]

much love

[summer moat]

especially the second stanza, that shi hits hard

[visual island]

❤️

appreciate it a lot

[nova escarp]

hi there, lovely work!

could we see the updated version? (and would you like more feedback?)

or dm if you'd like