#A Paradox in Time (Snippets!)

84 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

runic olive
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Leucistic Eyes.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree,
Heartless and soulless just like me.
Remnants of tradition on its milestone.
The eyes are the windows to my soul,
I know the curtains are whole,
But I can't believe how often you talked about getting shaken up by my brittle bones.

misty crow
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A nice first snippet, definitely got me intrigued. I'll keep an eye out for your next work.

runic olive
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Thanks!

runic olive
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Dress in The Dark.

My constrictions were an anaesthetic,
Meeting the criteria is pathetic,
A label is only a perspective,
So let me join in with contradicting drama,
Save yourself for Ana.

misty crow
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I enjoy the rhythm, particularly with the ending words in the first three lines. However, I am curious to what it's about. Could I hear your thought process?

runic olive
misty crow
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Oh, my apologies then. I will say, re-reading it, I can feel the emotions you're conveying with that personal experience and what that first metaphor means now. In any case, I'm excited to read the full work when it's ready.

runic olive
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Essence of Time.

So let essence define this mystery,
Before time goes by so selfishly.
And once we’re done playing this game,
I wish the end would be worthwhile again.
As I lay across my kitchen floor, I take another chance.
There’s no objective answer to the aurora of our existence.

misty crow
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Now this one is exceptional. I really enjoy its simple, but thought-provoking set of words. Great writing.

runic olive
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Morality in Minor Key.

I've been an atheistic fundamentalist,
A white privileged experimentalist,
A miserable child that traded the gentlest for misery.
Ignorant as hell with this mystery,
Maybe it'd be best if I weren't so cynical,
An eye for an eye, and oh so original.
So what consists of the morale in morality?
Is it just chemicals? Dialing Mr. Kant.
If it were recreational, why do I rant?

runic olive
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Still not titled and unfinished

Couldn't believe I was out here this late,
I now only see shadows of blue and colors of grey.
She's vocal with her theremin vocal cords, screaming she won the game.
So I pull back with my rant.
Her eyes bloodshot from Kant.
Genocide with love and care, insisting she gave holy rain.

runic olive
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Melancholy.

Because you are deluded by being the protagonist of my story, but maybe you should think about what's more to fear.
So am I the villain here?
Chemical imbalances, understanding a lack of theory.
Shut the valance tight, but this is all hallucinatory.
So what determines our morality?

vague shadowBOT
barren knoll
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ok so my first thought is something i recommend you disregard if you disagree with it because its something poetry users always seem to have strong opinions about. i feel like your style lend to heavy use of rhyme. the poem using dark and uncomfortable language but the rhyme and rhythm substract from that in my opinion. but again usually criticisms regarding rhyme use is pretty biased, i personally do not like rhyming poems when they're particularly long but obviously that doesn't mean jack diddly squat yk

runic olive
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I used to write non rhyming poems as well, but idt they'd count as poems lol

lethal pumiceBOT
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*I used to write non

rhyming poems as well, but idt

they'd count as poems lol*

- holistic_paradox
barren knoll
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wow

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iconic

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i think it would help if you broke up the poems into stanzas, in my experience having one big chunk of text can be overwhelming and having that information separated into its core ideas can be very helpful. especially if you intend this to be in a published collection

runic olive
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Also most of my poems in the book are pretty short. It's only the first one (Dilemma Prelude) that's long

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'Cause Dilemma Prelude is just an overview of the whole book itself

runic olive
barren knoll
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im also working on a published collection ! recently had my first wave of beta readers

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had to kill a lot of darlings

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thats writing tho

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i have a second version out im clamoring for people to look at now that it's more trimmed up

runic olive
runic olive
barren knoll
# runic olive # Leucistic Eyes. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, Heartless and soulle...

feel like the rhyming of stone and bones doesn't work because of the two lines of separation, doesn't really give the same satisfying in my brain when hearing two rhyming lines if that makes sense. also "i know the curtains are whole" sounded a little off when i read it out loud. maybe adding more syllabled would be a good idea. overall i'd say i enjoyed this poem, tho brief it captures something kind of chilling yet sad

barren knoll
runic olive
barren knoll
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most of them are inactive or the people in there will post poems without responding to the previous one

runic olive
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Ah

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Well that ruined the point lol

runic olive
barren knoll
# runic olive # Dress in The Dark. My constrictions were an anaesthetic, Meeting the criteria ...

it's minor but i think it would be better if you said

save yourself,
ana

by dividing it up into two lines i feel like it creates a certain kind of dread. your vision is more likely to become fixated on the two brief statements emphasizing both the danger of the situation, but also the importance of ana. perhaps bringing more investment into the character which is often hard to do in such a short amount of lines. also i think it would flow better

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btw what's your writing experience?

runic olive
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Ana isn't a character, actually lol

vague shadowBOT
runic olive
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It's a term used for anorexia

runic olive
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I just decided to start typing stuff

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My English teacher liked it enough and said it would be cool if I could publish it

barren knoll
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and using ana in the context here creates the image of a girl

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because you're giving it a command like you would a person

runic olive
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Thanks for the crit!

barren knoll
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btw im mostly giving critism but i genuinely do like these poems

runic olive
barren knoll
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and this critiques are for the most part, minor

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i dont think they make or break anything

runic olive
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Btw, these are small parts of a larger poem in case you didn't know

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So there's actually a lot more context missing

barren knoll
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ohh that makes sense

runic olive
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Scared to post the whole thing because plagiarism

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Planning to publish it on Amazon, so I can't have any copy cats here :P

barren knoll
# runic olive # Essence of Time. So let essence define this mystery, Before time goes by so se...

i think might be more of a personal pet peeve, but i feel like the pronunciation of again as a-gain sounds pretty off most of the time because that's now how most people would naturally say it. after realizing how it was supposed to sound i went back to reread it, which can really disrupt the reeading experience.
also this may make more sense in the broader context of the work but the last two lines not rhyming is kind of odd, makes the poem feel inconsistent. there are a lot of poems that don't rhyme until the end, but in most cases that's to achieve the sense of satisfaction that comes with a rhyme to work alongside the satisfaction the end of a poem should have from other things like narrative closure. but in this case i feel it does the opposite

runic olive
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Why does it rhyme in my head lol

barren knoll
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game and again?

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honestly might just be a dialect thing

runic olive
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True

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But it is slightly off ig

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It sounds weird out of the full poem

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Let me grab that real quick

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Sometimes I wish upon a star,
That somewhere very far can find us.
To leave room for understanding is a double edged sword,
I can lose hope oh so easily,
Maybe death would be a better plea.
So let essence define this mystery,
Before time goes by so selfishly.
And once we’re done playing this game,
I wish the end would be worthwhile again.
As I lay across my kitchen floor, I take another chance.
There’s no objective answer to the aurora of our existence.
And once our square breath could find light again,
Maybe it will leave us with an essence of the grand.
Because what is essence if not a thought of motion?
An automata of life fractals at my foot’s rotation.
And once we cry out a different malady,
Maybe someday it’ll become a melody,
And acceptance leads to a calm symphony.
As we find the meaning of our being.

barren knoll
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obsessed with the line

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"An automata of life fractals at my foot’s rotation."

runic olive
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Thanks

barren knoll
runic olive
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I'm not really building scenery

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It's more of a way to express a lackluster life

barren knoll
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yeah but just because it's not the focus doesn't mean that adding descriptive elements can't also give to the effect you're trying to achieve. personally when i saw blue gray skys i didn't think of something mundane or lackluster. i thought about the peace of early morning.

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but this isn't the only way to achieve this if you don't want to be too imagery heavy. maybe a small line like
"the same blue-gray skies i've had to watch my entire life" or a statement in general that indicates the speakers emotions would help

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oh dang, good morning

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shoot its late and im not tired

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oh well

barren knoll
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ok so an overall review of what i read

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i liked all of it! i think your writing is best when you have that melancholic, yet uncomfortable feeling. considering you don't really experience, this is very impressive and i can you see you really improving if you keep at it. there are places here and there that feel a little off in either rhythm or rhyme, but those are things you can easily adjust to work better in post. sorry if me responding to every poem was annoying, im just a girl and can not be faulted

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if you think i give helpful advice, feel free to @ or message me in the future

runic olive
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Sorry for the late reply. Been a busy day lol

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I'll continue dumping some stuff into this thread

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In case anything piques your interest