Serendepity

[tawdry gale]

Serendipity

I met you on a hot
Summer night,
Stumbling across pavements
And holding onto your shoulder
By fate, an accident
Noone has discovered it yet.

We laugh it off, and we
Hit on immediately,
Even In the dark I could see
The dark jawlines that I
Fell in love with.

Eyes to eyes, hands to hands,
We hesitantly talk,
Stumbling over the words
Like there were freight trains
In our heads.

Meet cutes,
Cafe dates. Moving
Boxes lines up next to my walls,
Glops of buttercreams smeared on
Noses and giggles heard all through
The apartment.

You are my serendipity
I wasn't looking for you
I wasn't expecting you
But I'm lucky I met you.

<@&1144090752457113794>

<@&1145760802666717234>

rijokedl

WTF

WHY CANT I @ A HELPER

[candid glacier]

Happy for you, sweet poem

[shrewd sparrow]

skill diff : /

[tawdry gale]

thx?

[shrewd sparrow]

feedback coming later! thanks for your patience ❤️

[tawdry gale]

yas

[shrewd sparrow]

I like the spacing of devices, it feels well balanced - I'd change jawlines to jawline. The last stanza in particular I feel delivers well precisely BECAUSE you set up an interesting narrative with imagery that feels open to intrepretation to many.

[shrewd sparrow]

I'd also consider changing 'has' to 'had' in the first stanza too.

[shrewd sparrow]

I feel like for this piece you could potentially work with the title a bit more? Though the callback may be nice for many! I'm curious if you could perhaps include a personal or found reference in the title that may lead into your other pieces perhaps? Though there are pros and cons to this.

The poem feels clear and concise but at the same time evocative! Though I feel with all this buttercream smearing I am growing concerned for the narrator's table manners.

Overall lovely stuff! I tore through it fast as soon as it was posted, and enjoyed it quite a lot ❤️

thanks for sharing!

[indigo pivot]

So pretty💖
I love how you ended the poem with that "But i'm lucky to have met you."
Lovely message and lovely poem overall

[tawdry gale]

i mean i cant change it cause i bases the entite poem over it

[tawdry gale]

thx 😄

[indigo pivot]

Thats an interesting perspective to think from- Ur right, that could be great.

personally though I thought the title was really good. It's practically defining the whole poem in one word "Serendepity".🤌