#Subtle Thoughts and Furrowed Actions

5 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

opal tiger
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Tense wings that fill and point thereafter
Honest thought crept and shifted a gust
Heavens guilt poised a subtle slumber

Hot shifts, cold sweats, and lowly laughter
Tinged toes slip against brittle rust
Tense wings that fill and point thereafter

Molded pieces mangled charred clipper
Enchanting lulled words an aching must
Heavens guilt poised a subtle slumber

Tight buttons bulge rueful sly banter
Tongue drips, eyes dry at wistful late lust
Tense wings that fill and point thereafter

Cemented arms reach for disaster
Busy minds pull and tug at the cusp
Heavens guilt poised a subtle slumber

The artful cuts that clean your clutter
Blind to your waste at your constant dusk
Tense wings that fill and point thereafter
Heavens guilt poised a subtle slumber
<@&1145760802666717234>

willow hill
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FANTASTIC user of consonance on this one. For this one? I'd be curious how a different form would feel actually - I feel enjambing some of those lines may be highly effect - the current form is nice however - as a comprimise some grammar would help clarify the lines perhaps? This is a really intriguing piece - I ENJOY the style of grammar that's there - it feels evocative and punchy, but it often feels like I shouldn't bridge the lines here and there - though the fact it takes me a little longer to do so? Is not that big of a deal IMO

I can take a stab at narrating this as well if you'd like.

opal tiger
#

Thank you. It would be cool to put different form. It was one of my first cracks at a villanelle. Yeah let’s hear it narrated!

haughty gobletBOT
willow hill