#Long Lost Friend

35 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

void lodge
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Mid December, you in the corner
fighting with her
all the flashbacks when you were together
it all has come to falling now

Little did I know that you'd be coming to me
the sweet talkings through which you lured me in

And then i say
"Here's to the long lost friend i had"
even in my darkest days you were bright
were we ever meant to be or you had just come to me
so you weren't alone in this tiny room

Couple a days later, only thing between us
is the sound of rain
we couldn't exchange words as fast as you changed your friends

little did i know that one day I'll be a thrown pebble in the pond
flowing backwards in the tears I held back in regret of ever knowing you

And then i say
"Here's to the long lost friend i had"
even when my world was shining, you still cried
there's nothing left between us except the pointless fights

The secrets behind my back
the sweet roses you put in front of me
but honey, the thorns were so visible
i wished it'd make you bleed
catering to your stupid lists isn't my job now
so go find someone else who will be as foolish as me
to befriend a hollow person like you

And now i say
"Here's to the long lost friend i had"
even in our final moments you walked away and never looked back
thank you for the bruises, I'll never think about that

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feedbacks appreciated 😃 <@&1144090752457113794> <@&1145760802666717234>

hexed adder
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Alr

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Let's break it down because it's in phases

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The first half, the past tense amalgamation for the fact that the friendship will forever be etched in there.

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Loved it completely

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The second half, in my opinion, no harsh feelings btw

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"thank you for the bruises, I'll never think about that" feels a bit vague for this poem, don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful poem. It's just that, this selfless character can't be fitting at the end of it all, it's not a perfect summation in my opinion

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It's still an amazing piece of poetry, solid 8! Keep it up!

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If you want I could recommend any suggestions for the last part

unkempt ether
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Yeah it's an incredible piece and you should be rlly proud I have three tips that u can use at your disclosure

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Add a strong conclusion. Enhance metaphors and imagery. Maintain consistent verb tense. If you want any clarification with any of these just @ me or dm me and I'll expand

hexed adder
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I have one small suggestion, if you want more you can ask ofc,

Instead of "thank you for the bruises, I'll never think about that" you can simplify

"Our paths aren't interlaced no more, and that was that."

void lodge
vocal musk
void lodge
void lodge
void lodge
hexed adder
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Indeed, something a bit remorseful to you know, sink in the ending, that'll leave it complete.

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That's pretty great

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Keep it up!

void lodge
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thank you so much for the generous feedback!! :D

unkempt ether
vocal musk
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I changed a few vowel tenses to help the last refrain pop and for clarity too if it's okies!

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ty for letting me read - THAT CUT; I also LOVED the personal dialogues and narrative with this bad ass phrase right in the middle: "between us is the sound of rain", "thrown like a pebble in the pond flowing backwards in the tears I held back in regret of ever knowing you"

void lodge
# vocal musk

WOW!! I GENIUNELY LOVE YOUR NARRATION!! I ALSO LIKE HOW YOU PUT EMPHASIS ON SOME OF THE WORDS LIKE "LURED IN", "POINTLESS FIGHTS" AND "HONEY THE THORNS..."

void lodge
vocal musk
void lodge
vocal musk
ebon mossBOT
void lodge
ebon mossBOT