Your eyes ༊*·˚

[idle swan]

Your eyes. The only thing that make us meet. When you look at me, my heart feels like it just went through heaven and back. I know its silly, but your eyes are full of emotions I just cant describe, even tho you make me feel them. When our eyes meet, my world changes. Everything thats around me disapears. I just wish you would see my thoughts in my eyes. I dont just want our eyes to meet, I want our thoughts to meet. I want to know what you think. Is that toxic? Am I wanting to much? I don’t know. Maybe I don’t deserve you. Maybe I don’t. But I would do anything for you. Id run to the moon for you, and write just how much I love you into it. Id take a star with me just to show you how much you shine in my eyes. I just love you.

(My first poem!!!!)

<@&1145760802666717234> <@&1144090752457113794>

[idle swan]

It's really good, first poem or no! You have some unique phrases I feel and some solid devices! I'd consider playing with the form... MAYBE - but I'm a glutton for punishment with typography (and life in general).

Would you like me to show you some of the devices you used? I like this form as well by the way! Discord is just making a fatter paragraph than I believe many other platforms would - one of the few things I don't like about Discord at times.

These lines stand out in particular I believe: " Id run to the moon for you, and write just how much I love you into it. Id take a star with me just to show you how much you shine in my eyes. I just love you."

The very last line in particular would be cool to isolate or add a pause to perhaps. BUt in any case awesome work and thanks for sharing! I feel like romantic poetry can be challenging to do organically and sweetly at the same time without feeling forced and I feel you accomplished that!

[crimson sparrow]

I love how descriptive it is! And I love the side questions, like "Am I wanting to(o) much?"

All I suggest is keeping your grammar consistent and accurate, that also counts for punctuation, but that's not much of a bother for me. I also suggest learning stanzas so your poem doesn't look like a massive wall.

But other than that, this is a very lovely poem ^^

[idle swan]

OMG THERE'S TWO KIMMYS?!

!!!

[idle swan]

😮 yaaa!!! Sure id be very happy to see what device you used!

Thank u so much!! it movitates me so much TwT

[idle swan]

YAAA!!!

[idle swan]

ooh I liked that part too! I like the self awareness and open ended question juxtaposed near celestial bodies hahaha - it felt sweet, cute, and a bit spicy all at the same time!

[crimson sparrow]

Woohoo! 🤣

[idle swan]

Thank uuu kimmy! Ill try my best to improve my grammar. Grammar isnt my strength, heh 🥲
tank u very much kimmy. Ur name is very lovely too 😂

[idle swan]

It is a beautiful and romantic poem. Furthermore, it is a kind of confessional poem, where your inner feelings are conveyed in an honest and raw way. I like it when you mention that you want your thoughts to meet, it brings a sense of intimacy that the speaker seeks to feel in relation to the loved one. I have to say this was more prose, as it is not organized in stanza form. However, it is a great poem for a first time. I think the secret is to convey your feelings well and that makes a poem unique.

[crimson sparrow]

Anytime! ^^
Don't worry, grammar isn't my best quality of mine either, but please continue doing poetry. You'll do amazing with more practice.
Your name's also lovely, too. 😂

[idle swan]

🤔 wuts a prose and stanza if its okay to ask?

[idle swan]

^^ thank u u too!!

oh thank uuu how kind of u!!! 😂

[crimson sparrow]

A stanza is like a paragraph; it separates your paragraph into a more legible poem without it looking like a giant page of words.

Stanzas are really fun to do, too!

You can be very creative with them, just as long as they make sense and fit the theme of your poem.

[idle swan]

Prose is when you write in long sentences, just like you did. While stanzas are made up of short verses/sentences.

Stanza:

I love dead roses,
They remind me of my passion,
To never forget.

[crimson sparrow]

I once read a poem that was shaped like an umbrella, but I forget what its name was.

It was about rain.

[regal plank]

This poem is so cute! It’s really good being your first one :) you could consider adding some structure to it, as in moving to another line after each sentence, or when you want it to but it’s completely up to you depending on what you want to show through your poem. But it’s definitely really good :)

[idle swan]

ohhh so basically maybe smt like this:

Your eyes. The only thing that make us meet.
When you look at me, my heart feels like it just went through heaven and back.
I know its silly, but your eyes are full of emotions I just cant describe, even tho you make me feel them.
When our eyes meet, my world changes. Everything that's around me disappears.
I just wish you would see my thoughts in my eyes.
I'll be honest,
I don't just want our eyes to meet,
I don't want you to *see * my thoughts
I want our thoughts to meet.
I want to *know *what you think.
Is that toxic? Am I wanting to much? I don’t know.
Maybe I don’t deserve you.
Maybe I don’t.
But I would do anything for you
Id run to the moon for you, and write just how much I love you into it.
Id take a star with me...
just to show you how much you shine in my eyes.

I just love you.

okies!

So slant/partial rhymes: (I won't do this exhaustively to keep chat okies but I'll get some examples here - note typically these types of rhymes are driven by PART of the word - and really for a lot of more exact rhymes it's just MORE of the end rhyme. I SUPER dig slant rhymes because they are organic, flexible, and also super dank. Repetition itself, to me, is also a PERFECT rhyme (outside of homonyms).

Weeee have: 'Your', 'world' - note there's only two I found of these but the SPACING/rhythm is clutch I believe

moving forward: 'eyes', 'my', 'I',' 'describe', 'write', 'shine' -> this leads into last 'I' towards the end too where we find you' is repeated for the Nth time (to great effect I feel, it adds to the sincerity and the narrative scope I think) - what makes this set of slants so cool for me is that there's a bit of a break in them in the middle, so it picks up to start, then we go into 'Everything thats around me disappears.' and I felt that flow felt good - I believe devices often can help change the flow of a poem? They can incite the reader to read quicker or slower depending! And I find that super cool personally.

AND THOSE WERE THE SLANTS OFF THE FIRST TWO WORDS LMAO. So let's dooooo ONE more, this one is an interesting one to rhyme: 'the', 'heavEn' (depending on pronounciation), 'of', 'disAppears', ''much', 'a', 'love' (I find being able to rhyme 'the', 'a', and 'of' REALLY handy)

AND THAT'S JUST THE FREAKING RHYMES YO! AND ONLY SOME OF EM (poetry gets so dense with content, I adore it). We also have the symbolism of the stars and the moons to ponder and we have A LOT of nice repetition. Word choice wise? I liked that a lot of the vocabulary wasn't too complicated - I felt that helped make it feel more organic, sincere and just right to the point: making it feel more intimate to me.

AND FINALLY - the timing of the rhymes for the ending line is pretty awesome and I think helps that very last sentance pop out. And I'm out of words to A

[crimson sparrow]

Yes! But then you'll want to section off some of the parts. I'll show you what I mean with your poem:

Your eyes. The only thing that make us meet.
When you look at me, my heart feels like it just went through heaven and back.
I know its silly, but your eyes are full of emotions I just cant describe, even tho you make me feel them.
When our eyes meet, my world changes. Everything thats around me disapears.

I just wish you would see my thoughts in my eyes.
Ill be honest,
I dont just want our eyes to meet,
I dont want you to see my thoughts
I want our thoughts to meet.
I want to know what you think.

Is that toxic? Am I wanting to much? I don’t know.
Maybe I don’t deserve you.
Maybe I don’t.
But I would do anything for you

Id run to the moon for you, and write just how much I love you into it.
Id take a star with me...
just to show you how much you shine in my eyes.

I just love you.

[idle swan]

Meter wise I am hardly an expert and do it by feel for my own work? But I felt it flowed pretty nicely - and additionally I'd really like to take a nice pause and say the last line softer were I to read it personally (I love silent and outloud reading for poetry - I feel like it exists almost between both of them). I hope that helps! Sorry for the novel!

[crimson sparrow]

Usually, I section off my poem whenever a thought changes, or topic changes. But do not change your topic too much, or it'll get very messy and confusing for the reader.

[oblique cypress]

Wonderful! @crimson sparrow has just pregressed to level 1!

[idle swan]

I seee what you did there - I FEEL LEFT OUT - and frankly? I respect that - YOU GO RANDOM DOUBLE KIMMYS

[idle swan]

WAT -- I CANT FOLLOW 😭

[idle swan]

😮

[idle swan]

Hot take I feel like messy and confusing is AMAZING to lean into at times however - but for THIS piece, yeah I think it would hurt it. I really enjoy surrealist adjacent stuff time to time (but too much can leave people feeling rather blind).

[idle swan]

oh she just complimented your name lol

[idle swan]

this is so beautiful!!! dont mind me taking dis and putting it into mah document 👀

[crimson sparrow]

Oh no! I get you, no worries! It just depends on the type of poem you form/create. Messy poems can be nice, but overusing that power isn't good.

[idle swan]

this looks nice! Though I'd consider enjambing the sentences maybe - every sentence ends on a clause which could turn off some readers - others prefer it this way though. Enjambment isn't everyone's cup of tea (nor is it always needed).

[crimson sparrow]

Aww

[idle swan]

I completely agree!

[crimson sparrow]

True true, I'll use this in the future since I'm still learning poetry. I tend to use enjambment a lot of the time just to be "neat".

[idle swan]

big same!

[idle swan]

okay so wait. i think i understood like 1% 😭

my vocabulary isnt big so i have to google what a clutch is, wait ...okay i still dont get it

I think what u mean is like- that the "you" is often repeated bc it adds the intense feeling of sincerity.

now im still confused about what the device was

okay so, how do u rhyme 'the', 'a', and 'of' 😭

I feel it looks real tight with justified text too

[idle swan]

🤔, it does end in a clause. does clause mean sentence? if yes, what else is there to end it with? 😮

[idle swan]

oh so devices would be things like rhyming, symbolism, repetition, consonance (alliteration), and meter and more (I also forgot to cover the consonance above).

Basically people disagree about which and how MANY devices make a poem a poem, but generally any mix of those is a good start!

I find it helpful to point them out to new poets who do it naturally so they can appreciate their instincts and also focus on their natural strengths easier!

consonance by the way is sharing consonant driven sounds, alliteration is when they share consonants in the FIRST letters of the word: so for example

"Fractively, fractionally - farther and farther" has alliterations through f's

Slant and partial rhymes USUALLY though are driven by assonance or sharing vowel sounds - typically in the middle but anywhere is cool. Partial rhymes CAN use either or I believe.

And as they share more consonance or assonance you find you end up with the 'perfect' perfect rhyme!

[oblique cypress]

Wonderful! @idle swan has just pregressed to level 5!

[idle swan]

https://tenor.com/view/flex-gif-23556560

[idle swan]

😮 yooo what. for how long do you do poetry? you know so much about it 😮

[crimson sparrow]

That's what I'm saying 😂

He's very talented, I can tell

[idle swan]

hmn I've been writing on and off for about twenty years now? I took huge breaks though! I had some formal education for classical poetry (that I forget RIP) then some contemporary poetry in college - BUT: honestly I re/learned the above stuff just this year just to cover my bases! It's good to double check. I also learned a TON talking to other writers! I'm always envious of talented writers who do what I can't - and I feel like there's a lot of great poetry out there these days!

[idle swan]

IM BLUSHING TYTY! I hope it helps a bit! Don't sweat the fancy bits too much! Just have fun and make sure to appreciate your instincts every once in a while! You'd be surprised how poetic speech and writing can be naturally done for many including you folks too! ❤️

[crimson sparrow]

It helps a bunch! I'm very appreciative of your feedback, and I love writing just out of thought. The best poems come from the head in my opinion. Thank you oh so much! ^^

[idle swan]

:o yoo what! thats why u have such a big vocabulary. i knew u couldnt be under 18 😭
im proud of u!! ur doing so gudd 😭

tap urself on the shoulder for me 😌

[oblique cypress]

Wonderful! @idle swan has just pregressed to level 1!

[idle swan]

absolutely it was fun chatting! I'm excited to read your stuff sometime! You can feel free to ping me or DM depending what's easier but I'll try to keep an eye out yo!

[idle swan]

AWWW TY! I needed that encouragement today - weird last week heh - you'd be surprised sometimes though! I have some younger friends who are CRACKED.

I honestly dropped by this one because it felt strong already! It's a little lazy of me? But I like to double up the reading for pleasure and chit chatting lmao

[crimson sparrow]

Yippie! I'm excited to read your stuff, too! You seem very phenomenal in poetry (I hope I spelt that right, English isn't my first language.)

[idle swan]

:3 stay strong! and its crazy how many people are in poetry. i figured it out on tik tok. maybe u guys know her? She does alot of love poetry too. wait. https://www.tiktok.com/@raeganspoetry?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc

I found it so inspiring that i wanted to start too now. u-u

[idle swan]

yaa!! me too! she seems so good in poetry. like just the way she writes casually when just chatting. aaaaa 😭

[idle swan]

you did I think! and your english looks so good already I feel! It's actually humbling and super cool as a native english speaker just HOW GOOD a lot of english often is for people who picked it up!

Anytime you'd like to check it out lmk! I'm VERY particular about formatting some of my stuff (and terribly lazy) so I usually share via links or my reddit.

I'd like to post something for the community here though! Everyone is so nice so far and the diversity in content is KILLER I think.

[idle swan]

aww tyty! You too if you need it! I'm super stoked poetry is so popular but it's wild to me too! Excited to check her out!

[idle swan]

she's rather good!! I bookmarked her for good measure! I like to record all of my stuff so seeing another reader was awesome!

yass!!!! you do dat!

[crimson sparrow]

Ahh thank you! Duolingo is my bestie right now 🤣

For sure I'd love to check it out. ^^

[idle swan]

oh interesting! I want to try that out maybe - I always feel a bit embarassed only knowing English - what is your primary language if I may ask?

And if it's okay I'll happily cherry pick some stuff for ya! I'll post some stuff here? But mostly shorter, inspirational stuff for us writers to enjoy - most of the spicy stuff is either longer or has some unusual typography.

[idle swan]

YOOO WHAT I JUST SAW IN UR BIO THAT UR NAME IS NOT JUST KIMMY, ITS KIMBERLY ASWELL 😭 what

[idle swan]

A story for that poem is coming up on wattpad. im looking forward to publish it here too so yah! stay tuned ladys and gentleman u-u

[idle swan]

https://tenor.com/view/im-ready-lets-go-jog-excited-kanna-kamui-gif-14525315

[vital sky]

@ ME PLS

[idle swan]

-w- sure sure

[idle swan]

I edited my eyes a bit, with the spaces etc and changed the second line i think it was..I read it a few times and then came to this idea last night before i slept ^w^

Your eyes. The only thing that make us meet.
When you look at me, my heart feels like it skipped a beat.
I know its silly,
but your eyes are full of emotions…
I just cant describe,
even tho you make me feel every one of them.
When our eyes meet, my world changes.
Everything that's around me disappears.

I just wish you would see my thoughts in my eyes.
Ill be honest,
I dont just want our eyes to meet,
I dont want you to see my thoughts
I want our thoughts to meet.
I want to know what* you think*.

**Is that toxic? **
Am I wanting to much? I don’t know.
Maybe I don’t deserve you.
Maybe I don’t.
But I would do anything for you

Id run to the moon for you, and write just how much I love you,…
..into it.
Id take a star with me...
just to show you...
how much you shine in my eyes.

**I just love you. **

[idle swan]

LOVE IT! I'm excited to see how your grammar and typography continues to evolve! YOU SCARY M8!!! ^ ^

me too 😭

[plucky mason]

Very nice 👍

No really very nice. I like how it’s structured…