#Dreams

45 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

exotic yarrow
#

Dreams

I want to meet at midnight,
Again, In the forests of my dreams.
We could make a fire and sit
Quietly, watching all the stars in the sky

Twinkle through the night.
You would hold my palm,
Guide my fingers to trace the
Constellations of orion,
Cancer, gemini…

And I wouldn't focus on your
Gentle teachings, instead
The soft touch of your
Palms touching mine,
The hot air of your whispers
Gently caressing my face.

And instead of the stars,
I focus on you, trying
To learn every freckle of your face,
Memorising all the constellations in it.
I slowly count each and every smile
That you give me, or hug that I relish
In everyday.

But after the night ends, and the
Sun banishes all the stars,
I am left waking up on an empty
Bed, and forever living inbetween life
And death.

#

<@&1144090752457113794> <@&1145760802666717234>

pine wagon
#

It seems I had a dream last night

flint quest
#

THIS PIECE IS AMAZING I FEEL! hang on I'm getting too excited to use my cursed portrait mode discord mobile - I'll respond soon (should I be 'at-ting' anyone? I hope the occasional reply is good enough for tagging,)

spare flicker
#

Impressive. The use of imagery here is very much complimented with the metaphorical language. The adjectives used are appropriate and the line structure amplifies the flow of the poem nearly perfectly. Good work.

#

The only improving part, I believe, would be punctuation. Make sure you appropriately place periods, commas, hyphens, and semi-colons---it can drastically change the flow of your poem. By doing this, I believe you will, indeed, improve your flow to near perfection for this particular piece.

flint quest
# exotic yarrow Dreams I want to meet at midnight, Again, In the forests of my dreams. We cou...

I'm really enjoying the change in feel between the first and second stanza - where you start with (I believe) a predicate clause? (gods grammar was so long ago) but that bit of freedom sets A LOT of the tone and also converys some unique descriptions - I feel twinkling, by ITSELF, evokes a lot of visions of both eyes and stars alike - the balance of devices and language you use also feels unique but relatable in the sense it's easy to read through this - I feel like the theme you chose is one that carries a high bar at times to clear, but I feel you achieved that in an effective and unique way both.

I'm enjoying how the stanzas can be twisted into one another - the poem can read effectively starting at different ones and that makes me want to return to it. I also enjoy how 'twinkle' becomes more of an imperative sense and it gives the poem this feeling that the reader is being written to on a personal level - which I find super charming!

There IS one repetition of 'face' I may consider changing? Either or merely adding an adjective to the second face to show the repetition is purpopseful - perhaps like "that very" or perhaps even "cradled" - but this issue is really minor honestly and I feel repetition is very natural within speech and poetry especially anywho.

The slant rhymes at the very end?! %@#$%@#$ AMAZING! I love it. That really helped sell the ending for me, and the timing you achieved I feel also is really special.

Last but not least (and I could keep going on, poems are really dense forms of art I feel) the lines "in every day", "and death" really pop out - this motivated me to go back and read some of the last lines of the prior stanzas and see how they fit with those two short phrases and surprise surprise... they fit really well! Such as: " Cancer, gemini... in everyday, in death - gently caressing your face every day, in death" for the other lines it becomes a bit more abstract but I still feel that type of trick, intentional or not - has merit!

#
  • Anddddd I managed to stop with two whole words in the limit to spare! GO MEEEE
exotic yarrow
exotic yarrow
exotic yarrow
exotic yarrow
exotic yarrow
#

@untold yarrow do u like it?

#

@quaint sluice this is the one i was talking about! i cant belive it got so much good response!!!!

flint quest
flint quest
# exotic yarrow THANK YOU SO MUCH I DIDNT RELISE I DID RHYMES LMAO

you're just too much of a natural! I catch myself doing that sometimes - highkey though you know who really impresses me, as silly as it sounds? There's this cat called Steven A. Smith on sports center and everytime my dad watches it my jaw practically drops at the skills this guy just oozes out like so much ennui served with lattes and shadow.

Oh and in terms of analysis I just enjoyed it! I wouldn't have kept going if I didn't! I have trouble sitting still quite a bit, but that was easy to talk about - I hope the feedback helps inspire you for future pieces! I'm glad I swung by the discord! I was all caught up in ROC so reading some of the writing here tonight was awesome ^ ^

exotic yarrow
exotic yarrow
exotic yarrow
flint quest
# exotic yarrow :ssss noones ever told me that

this is why you have to carry a scary collection and scarier metaphorical stick! it helps people praise more efficiently ^ *

Yeah I'm down! I'm so bored lately on account of folks being busy (c'est la vie!) so it would be my pleasure!

exotic yarrow
flint quest
# exotic yarrow a scary what 😭😭😭

I don't know - just start using language like a bolo and assert dominance over your audience perhaps! and that's why I'm banned from the open mics at cracker barrel - that's a true story I just made up

spare flicker
#

How long did it take you to compose this piece? What was the incentive?

hushed epochBOT
#

*How long did it take

you to compose this piece? What

was the incentive?*

- egg8251
exotic yarrow
spare flicker
exotic yarrow
#

And I was watching a trailer for like a new movie about a man who invades peoples dreams

exotic yarrow
spare flicker
#

Impressive

spare flicker
exotic yarrow
#

Thx <e

exotic yarrow
flint quest
#

This is gorgeous i love it

exotic yarrow
#

The HD

#

Thx

exotic yarrow
flint quest
exotic yarrow
#

BUT LIKE

#

AHHHHWHSNEIHE

#

I WANT IT TO BE DIALY POEMS

#

3:

exotic yarrow
#

@fleet star